Posts Tagged ‘ Television ’

My “I-Will-Never’s”: Toddler Edition.

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

I wrote a post like this, long ago, about things I always said I’d never do once I had a baby that got shot to hell once my baby was actually born.  I think it’s about time for round two: the toddler edition.

“When my kid is a toddler, I’ll never…”

1.  Let her use a pacifier.  Little kids walking around with binkies in their mouths were always a pet peeve of mine.  Well, let me tell you (as I’ve told you before), Caroline is so attached to hers that prying that thing out of her mouth is a lot easier said than done.  We’re pretty much down to naps and nighttime, but I haven’t dared to take the final push just yet.  It has taken me this long to even get to that point because the fact is, I don’t have time to deal with my entire house going up in an apocalyptic mushroom cloud every morning over a stupid piece of plastic and rubber.  I’m late for work, here’s your pacifier.

2. Feed her junk food.  I try not to do this often, but there are several reasons I caved on this one.  First of all, some days she’ll refuse to eat anything at all and if I can get a couple of Goldfish in her so she doesn’t starve and/or stay up all night, then that’s what I’m gonna do. Second, I just don’t have time to whip up wholesome food every single time she eats.  Third, once in awhile I want to eat junk food, and she sees me doing it and makes a beeline for the bag of whatever salty, fatty deliciousness I’m shoving into my own face.  And people, I’ve got enough on my plate as it is.  Let me have my junk food, I beg of you.

3. Let her watch TV.  I was opposed to this because of all the studies that tell you that if you let your kids watch TV they’ll end up with ADHD or Ebola or it’ll make all their teeth fall out or whatever.  But listen, that wonderful machine lets me prepare dinner and clean the house and occasionally get an extra twenty glorious minutes of sleep.  There’s no way I’m ever gonna pass that up.  Everything in moderation, right?

4. Allow her to talk back to me in public.  Haha.  Hahahaha.  Isn’t it hilarious that I ever thought I’d be able to control stuff like that?

5. Carry her everywhere she goes.  Okay, she is getting to be way too big to be carried anywhere, at least for me, since she’s nearly a third of my weight at this point.  And I shouldn’t let her force me to.  But the fact is, sometimes I really need to get somewhere, like work, and she just. will. not. go where I need her to.  So I have to pick her up.  And then she wants to be carried the next time around.  And repeat.  It’s a vicious cycle and I haven’t figured out how to break it.  In the meantime, the kid’s getting carried into daycare every time I’m late.  Which is… every day.

6. Refuse to read books over and over.  Because reading is good for them.  Right?  It feeds their brains.  And sets up good habits for lifelong learning.  Except by the time I’ve read If You Give a Pig a Pancake seventy-five times, there is nothing on this earth that could possibly resuscitate my brain from its childrens-book-coma and make me become a normal person who can function normally in adult society.  The other day, after a particularly long weekend of The Cat in the Hat Comes Back, a patient asked for whitening and I came thisclose to asking them if they’d tried something called VOOM.  I wish I were kidding.

Now, it’s up to you: leave your toddler I-will-never’s in the comments, so I don’t feel so bad!

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Toddler + Hurricane – Power = Insanity

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

Hey everyone!  Hurricane Irene stole my power and my internet for way too long but I’m back in the twenty-first century now, thank goodness.  Having a toddler and being without power is pretty much the worst thing ever.  I don’t know how the Amish do it.  Honestly, I don’t even want to talk about it.

Just kidding!  I totally do want to complain about it!  (Have you even met me?)  Here’s my list of the top ten worst things about having no power with a little kid.

1.  No TV to entertain your kid while you get ready for work or cook dinner.  (Well, Caro watches her shows on Netflix on my laptop because I don’t have cable, but same difference.)

2.  No hot water to bathe yourself or your kid in.  You choose: cold-showering a screaming toddler, or having a child perpetually covered in ketchup and worse.  I’ll leave it up to your imagination which option I chose.

3.  No power to your refrigerator or freezer, so all your food goes bad.

4.  No power to cook with.  Not that you have any food to cook because, remember, it all went bad in step #3.

5.  A really effing dark house after 8pm.

6.  No air conditioning or fans, unless you count the kind you fold out of paper accordion-style like you did in third grade, which I most certainly do not.

7.  No internet to play on after your kid goes to bed.  What am I supposed to do, read an actual book?  Like, on paper?? Ew.

8.  Actually, just kidding, your kid never goes to bed because the white noise machine doesn’t work without any power, so the issue of what to do with your alone time goes pretty much out the window.

9.  No electricity to wash your clothes or your cloth diapers, you dirty hippie, you.

10.  Did I mention there’s no TV to distract your child while you do what you need to do with no help because remember, you’re a single mom?  Because you’re me, in this scenario, in case I forgot to mention that.

Anyone else deal with nineteenth-century conditions as a result of the hurricane?  How did you make it through?  Anything to add to my list?

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Children’s Television: What Is *Happening* Here?

Sunday, July 31st, 2011

Kids’ TV shows: I love them, and I hate them.  This post is mostly about how I hate them.

Disclaimer: please bring a sense of humor to this post.  I’m sure I’ll be criticized for letting my toddler watch TV but honestly, an hour or so per day never killed anyone.  I’m not going to pretend it’s “educational” or anything.  As far as I’m concerned, the TV is a magical box that keeps her from filling the toilet with my shoes or shredding and eating an entire box of Kleenex while I’m trying to cook dinner.  Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to let you in on just a few of the things that go through my head while Caroline’s favorite shows are playing.

Yo Gabba Gabba: My name is Julia!  I’m way too white to dance!  As are 75% of the kids on this show.

When it comes to this show, all I have are questions.  For example, what is happening with Brobee’s elbows?  They are all double-jointed and weird and I’m pretty sure they defy the laws of physics.  They remind me of this time I saw a patient with a broken nose and I touched it and it wiggled like Jello and then I went off and threw up in the corner.  And why do all the inanimate objects on this show have to have human faces?  Why is DJ Lance’s jumpsuit so tight, and is that blinding shade of neon orange really necessary?  Also, what are his diet secrets?  And really, Plex, you have no idea what the word “fun” means?  You’re messing with me, right?  I’ll tell you what “fun” is– it’s whatever the creators of this show are taking that lets them come up with this trippy stuff.

My friend Lauren said it best: “Yo Gabba Gabba seriously makes me second-guess whether or not I successfully avoided taking acid this morning.” (more…)

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