Sunday, July 1st, 2012
Hello, friends. After a short hiatus from the world of online dating (because it sucks, you guys), I’m back with more tales of hilarity. To come to the aid of my fellow single women, I’ve helpfully organized the types of men you meet online into several broad categories. What can I say? I’m a giver.
The profile-liar guy.
There is no point in lying on your profile about things that are obvious within five minutes of meeting you in person. This includes height (6 feet, 5’8″, same diff, right? No.), occupation (a paralegal is not a lawyer, and the guy who keeps the books for a sketchy bowling alley is not an accountant), and general appearance (we’re gonna know it if that photo was taken in 1996, gentlemen).
The “P.S. I live in Colorado” guy.
Why contact me and bother discussing meeting up and dating if you live two thousand miles away? Next.
The guy with his kids as his profile picture.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the single dads, but you guys do realize that everyone can see those pictures, right? Just trying to help. Because I’m not sure you understand how the internet works.
The fast-mover guy.
A couple of anonymous emails does not a relationship make. It’s a tad creepy when we’ve exchanged three messages, tops, and you’re calling me “baby” and talking about moving to my area because “nothing’s keeping me here anyway”. Please, just… stop.
The “separated” guy.
Ladies, this one is straight-up married. Move it right along.
The guy who insults you in order to hit on you.
This isn’t third grade, guys– if you pick on us, we aren’t going to get the message that you’re interested. Long emails about how wisdom tooth extractions are a scam are not going to go over well with a dentist, a lecture on how I shouldn’t be so picky since I have “baggage” isn’t going to go over well with a single mom, and messages that say nothing but “hey MILF” are not going to go over well with anyone, unless it’s sent to a woman looking for a guy in my next and final category, which is…
The sugar daddy guy.
You’d be surprised at the number of emails I’ve gotten offering compensation of some kind for dating them. These guys are all over the place– from the guy who offered me clothes, lingerie, and time on his exercise machines to a guy who offered to pay my bills to the guy who came right out and asked if I was looking for a sugar daddy (“I think there’s a name for women who do that,” I told him sweetly. “It starts with an ‘h’ and ends with an ‘ooker’.”).
Sigh. I’m getting pretty discouraged with the whole online thing, you guys. Any categories to add? Please post them in the comments! It’s a public service project, really.
Tuesday, June 5th, 2012
You guys, you truly are not going to believe the crazies I have found on the internet since I started this whole online dating adventure. I thought I was crazy… but these guys take it to a whole nother level. I submit here several messages for your consideration, copied and pasted verbatim for your enjoyment.
Let’s begin with my most… ah… mature suitor. He is 49 years young and his screenname is “slosoftkissr” and no I am not even joking a little bit about that. His profile consists of a long jumble of repetitive insanity that I honestly could not get through and this is the first message he contacted me with:
“have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,I MEAN YOU LOOK SO GOOD IN YOUR PIC’S YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BUY YOU NEW CLOTHES FOR EVEN MORE GREAT LOOKS,I DO HAVE A VICTORIA SECRET CARD,esp.I LIKE YOUR THIRD PIC,IT’S MY SCREENSAVER,CALL ME,WHERE PERSONALITY,EMOTION AND CHARISMA,SHINE THROUGH.(he gives his name and phone number here).AS A FORMER TICKET AGENT WE’LL NEVER BE OUT OF IDEAS ON HOW TO HAVE FUN.”
Okay. Dude? Number one: you’re f—ing crazy. Number two: you’re old enough to be my dad (I’m 28). Number three: you’re f—ing crazy! I was actually contemplating meeting up with this guy just so I could share the undoubted hilarity that would follow with you guys, but then I got to the screensaver comment and now I just want to take 40 showers and delete any and all pictures myself that I have ever posted on the internet, anywhere. I also probably need to start drinking heavily.
Needless to say, I did not reply to this creepster’s first message. Not to be deterred, the very next day he sent me this:
“I FORSEE NO TIME WE’D BE OUT OF THINGS TO CHAT ABOUT,IT’S A MATURE TRAIT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT,AT LEAST YOU TALK ABOUT FAKE GUYS TOO MANY GALS TALK OF THEIR BAGGAGE,DISTRUSTING ANY MAN…………WELL NO I’D NEVER BE JEALOUS NOR ENVY,HOWEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,TO ME IT IS A GREAT INDICATOR HOW WELL YOU WILL TREAT THE MAN YOU DESIRE……… 1 THING ALL MY EXERCISE MACHINES ARE INSURED MY GIRLS HAVE BEEN GOING ON THEM SINCE 30 LBS.,I’VE GAINED SOME (REVERSIBLE) WEIGHT SINCE QUITTING SMOKING LAST YEAR,THE TRIUMPH IS GOING STRONG…LV UR #,OR BLOCK YOURS,I WON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL,HEALTHY CONFIDENCE RIGHT..(he gives his name and phone number here).”
Just… no. Blocked this dude so fast, you guys.
Next up: a 43 year old “hobbyist” (?) who, um, certainly fulfills my requirement of liking kids. In fact, he’s probably got that covered a little too well. His first message:
“You are fine and your kid probably is too
You life is just starting and I want to be there with you having all that fun ”
I’m sorry. Did you just hit on my three year old? Blocked. So fast. Again.
So it seems the verdict is in: I attract the crazies online just like I do in real life. I knew this online dating stuff was a bad idea. But it’s like a trainwreck, you know? It’s so terrible, yet you just can’t look away…