Types of Men You Find Online

Hello, friends.  After a short hiatus from the world of online dating (because it sucks, you guys), I’m back with more tales of hilarity.  To come to the aid of my fellow single women, I’ve helpfully organized the types of men you meet online into several broad categories.  What can I say?  I’m a giver.

The profile-liar guy.

There is no point in lying on your profile about things that are obvious within five minutes of meeting you in person.  This includes height (6 feet, 5’8″, same diff, right? No.), occupation (a paralegal is not a lawyer, and the guy who keeps the books for a sketchy bowling alley is not an accountant), and general appearance (we’re gonna know it if that photo was taken in 1996, gentlemen).

The “P.S. I live in Colorado” guy.

Why contact me and bother discussing meeting up and dating if you live two thousand miles away?  Next.

The guy with his kids as his profile picture.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about the single dads, but you guys do realize that everyone can see those pictures, right?  Just trying to help.  Because I’m not sure you understand how the internet works.

The fast-mover guy.

A couple of anonymous emails does not a relationship make.  It’s a tad creepy when we’ve exchanged three messages, tops, and you’re calling me “baby” and talking about moving to my area because “nothing’s keeping me here anyway”.  Please, just… stop.

The “separated” guy.

Ladies, this one is straight-up married.  Move it right along.

The guy who insults you in order to hit on you.

This isn’t third grade, guys– if you pick on us, we aren’t going to get the message that you’re interested.  Long emails about how wisdom tooth extractions are a scam are not going to go over well with a dentist, a lecture on how I shouldn’t be so picky since I have “baggage” isn’t going to go over well with a single mom, and messages that say nothing but “hey MILF” are not going to go over well with anyone, unless it’s sent to a woman looking for a guy in my next and final category, which is…

The sugar daddy guy.

You’d be surprised at the number of emails I’ve gotten offering compensation of some kind for dating them.  These guys are all over the place– from the guy who offered me clothes, lingerie, and time on his exercise machines to a guy who offered to pay my bills to the guy who came right out and asked if I was looking for a sugar daddy (“I think there’s a name for women who do that,” I told him sweetly. “It starts with an ‘h’ and ends with an ‘ooker’.”).

Sigh.  I’m getting pretty discouraged with the whole online thing, you guys.  Any categories to add?  Please post them in the comments!  It’s a public service project, really.

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  1. by Caitlyn

    On July 1, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Now don’t you wish these categories only applied to Internet dating? When I was bartending my way through undergrad, I had someone offer to pay my entire college tuition if I’d bartend naked for one night… Thanks but no thanks.
    Good luck, girl. Keep weeding ‘em out, the other single ladies appreciate your PSA(and that’s what it is, really).

  2. by Krista

    On July 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

    The last one that contacted me (after which I immediately deleted my account) was the “bi-sexual guy” that said (almost verbatim) “too bad you’re not into casual sex, you have a great ass!”
    Wow. just wow. That was when I realized I was never going to meet the man for me online and to stop trying (it was my third and final attempt).

  3. by Kathryn

    On July 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Sigh. These are sadly so true. Especially the ones who are “separated.”
    I’m a single mom and am also taking a long hiatus from online dating.

  4. by Elizabeth B

    On July 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    There is also The Right Guy – My husband of almost 7 years falls into this category. But they are hard to find and require you to sift thru a lot if profiles. Good luck!

  5. by me

    On July 6, 2012 at 12:49 am

    lol – I love this. Especially the reference to “P.S. I live in Colorado Guy”. What is up with that? I recently tried Match.com. I live on the West Coast and most of the “winks” I got were guys from Florida. What exactly are these guys expecting to happen?

  6. by Julia

    On February 2, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Hi Julia, you’re SO right, you nailed it. Online dating is a full-time job, and I just had to quit. But where are us single moms supposed to meet people, really??