Must Love Kids

Okay, internet, I have a confession.  Due to the boring lack of activity in my dating life lately, and the fact that I am about to move to an area where I know literally no one, I’ve decided to take the plunge into online dating.  (I’m not sure why, but I’m literally cringing while confessing this to you guys.)  At least it will allow me to meet new people (not in bars, for the love of God) and if nothing else, make some new friends in the area I’m going to be moving to.

So, I’m trying it.  Is there something about it that seems vaguely pathetic to me?  Yes.  Do I actually think I’ll find someone that way?  Not really.  Am I going to get all crazy-chainsaw-murdered and stuffed in the trunk of somebody’s car?  Probably.  But all that aside, I bet it’s gonna be pretty entertaining, and I’m dragging all of you along for the ride with me.  Because that’s how much I love you people.

So aside from all the awkward conversation and presumably a hefty dose of rejection and probably being murdered, the worst part about this online dating stuff is writing a profile.  Mine is something super awkward and lame about liking to run and whatnot and people probably fall asleep just reading it.

If I didn’t actually care about getting any responses, though, I”d probably write something brutally honest and totally weird, just like the real me:

I am seeking a: Man

Do you drink?: Only when potty training.  My daughter, not me.  I’m fully housebroken and have been for at least ten years.

Marital status: Divorced.  Don’t judge me.  I see you over there, judging me.

Profession: I’m not as hot as a dental hygienist, but I went to school for longer.

Education: Someday I will leave school and get a real job, probably.

Do you want children?: I’m all set right now, thanks for offering.

Do you do drugs?: Only caffeine.  Well, and then there’s the speed.  I mean, I do have a toddler, after all.

Do you have children?: Oh boy do I ever.

Do you have a car?: …What the f–k?  Wait, there are people on here without cars?  Can I get a refund?

I am looking for: Basically a smart, fun, hilarious, educated, good-looking guy who loves kids and isn’t a douchebag.  Must have a job and a car and not live in parents’ basement.  Must shower regularly.  Must not be an axe murderer.

About me: Well I’m a single mom and a dentist, don’t hold it against me.  My daughter is my whole world, so mess with her and I’ll kill you.  I work too much but I love my job to a degree that is a little bit pathetic.  I can be kind of a pain in the ass sometimes.  Example: one of the last guys I dated told me I should dye my hair blonde because it would look better so I dyed it dark brown just to piss him off.  This isn’t coming out right, is it.  Oh, the other thing is, I write about my life for the website of a major magazine but don’t worry, I won’t use your real name.  Probably.  You know what?  Try to forget that thing I just said about writing.  There’s a crapton of super personal stuff on that site about my divorce.  Let’s change the subject.  …..I like long walks on the beach?  I’m going to stop talking now.

First date: Something that doesn’t involve crazy-chainsaw-murdering me.

Interests: My daughter.  Teeth.  My daughter.  Teeth.  My daughter.  Wine.

So, what do you guys think?  Would you date me?  Would anyone?

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  1. by Karen

    On June 1, 2012 at 4:45 am

    Heck, after all of that, I would date you. I might even let you get to first base!

  2. by Tanya

    On June 1, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    I think when i tried online dating i literally put some of the exact same lines in my profile…and not sarcastically, i really put them in there. I actually wondered for a moment if you’d read it. And some douche told me that i should be sweet and I’d probably get more responses. Yeah, thanks, cuz you’re obviously the person i should take advice from. Lame waste of time. And easy on the people who don’t have cars, some of us are single moms who work hard but still can’t afford a car on top of rent and caring for their child. Ijs…rent, insurance, a car payment, and gas in addition to everyday expenses isn’t always manageable, even if you have a college degree.

  3. by Sara

    On June 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Ok in all honesty, it’s profiles like that that get noticed. Tells the reader that you are honest, witty, and creative. The ones that are just like all the others … Nothing eye catching about them anyway, so they don’t pique anyone’s interest. Of course most of your responses will be from guys who don’t read the profile anyway… But… I met my man online, after almost giving up on them entirely (men, that is)… So anything is possible.

  4. by Rose

    On June 3, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I love this! I am so not ready to get into the world Of dating, virtual or real, but I feel like my ad would read the same…something along the lines of, I am too old for this crap and been around the block a few times, so if you don’t like, well, mah.

  5. by Me

    On June 4, 2012 at 12:29 am

    Haha. I’d date you. Seriously, use that – or something like it. It will get noticed. I thought I’d get back into online dating again recently but I don’t even have time to read the profiles so I gave up. And the only “winks” I got were from guys who live in Florida and I’m on the West Coast. What’s up with that? But the last time I actually did it for real I met some nice people. No axe murderers.

  6. by Tessa

    On June 8, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    This is AWESOME!