Must Love Kids
Okay, internet, I have a confession. Due to the boring lack of activity in my dating life lately, and the fact that I am about to move to an area where I know literally no one, I’ve decided to take the plunge into online dating. (I’m not sure why, but I’m literally cringing while confessing this to you guys.) At least it will allow me to meet new people (not in bars, for the love of God) and if nothing else, make some new friends in the area I’m going to be moving to.
So, I’m trying it. Is there something about it that seems vaguely pathetic to me? Yes. Do I actually think I’ll find someone that way? Not really. Am I going to get all crazy-chainsaw-murdered and stuffed in the trunk of somebody’s car? Probably. But all that aside, I bet it’s gonna be pretty entertaining, and I’m dragging all of you along for the ride with me. Because that’s how much I love you people.
So aside from all the awkward conversation and presumably a hefty dose of rejection and probably being murdered, the worst part about this online dating stuff is writing a profile. Mine is something super awkward and lame about liking to run and whatnot and people probably fall asleep just reading it.
If I didn’t actually care about getting any responses, though, I”d probably write something brutally honest and totally weird, just like the real me:
I am seeking a: Man
Do you drink?: Only when potty training. My daughter, not me. I’m fully housebroken and have been for at least ten years.
Marital status: Divorced. Don’t judge me. I see you over there, judging me.
Profession: I’m not as hot as a dental hygienist, but I went to school for longer.
Education: Someday I will leave school and get a real job, probably.
Do you want children?: I’m all set right now, thanks for offering.
Do you do drugs?: Only caffeine. Well, and then there’s the speed. I mean, I do have a toddler, after all.
Do you have children?: Oh boy do I ever.
Do you have a car?: …What the f–k? Wait, there are people on here without cars? Can I get a refund?
I am looking for: Basically a smart, fun, hilarious, educated, good-looking guy who loves kids and isn’t a douchebag. Must have a job and a car and not live in parents’ basement. Must shower regularly. Must not be an axe murderer.
About me: Well I’m a single mom and a dentist, don’t hold it against me. My daughter is my whole world, so mess with her and I’ll kill you. I work too much but I love my job to a degree that is a little bit pathetic. I can be kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. Example: one of the last guys I dated told me I should dye my hair blonde because it would look better so I dyed it dark brown just to piss him off. This isn’t coming out right, is it. Oh, the other thing is, I write about my life for the website of a major magazine but don’t worry, I won’t use your real name. Probably. You know what? Try to forget that thing I just said about writing. There’s a crapton of super personal stuff on that site about my divorce. Let’s change the subject. …..I like long walks on the beach? I’m going to stop talking now.
First date: Something that doesn’t involve crazy-chainsaw-murdering me.
Interests: My daughter. Teeth. My daughter. Teeth. My daughter. Wine.
So, what do you guys think? Would you date me? Would anyone?Add a Comment