My Preschooler’s Top 10 Excuses Not To Go To Bed
(Alternate Title: Go the F*ck to Sleep.)
Anyone who has a preschooler knows that the only thing more impossible than walking on water is getting your kid to go to bed. Seriously. (Probably this is true for kids of any age, but please allow me to delude myself into believing that this stage ends with the preschool years.) If someone were to tell me, “today I scaled Mount Everest and ran the Boston Marathon and won Project Runway and got my kid to go to sleep within five minutes” I’d be all “oh hell no it did not take five minutes, you lying liar. Also, is Heidi really that hot and skinny in person? Do you even know how many kids that woman has had?”
Caroline is three, and she’s pretty much the queen of coming up with excuses to stall when it’s bedtime. She’ll go to bed relatively easily the first time, but then she’ll get up 45 million times with all kinds of crazy-ass reasons why I should let her get up and stay up. (Fingers crossed she’ll still be this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18.) Here’s a selection of my favorites:
10. There’s a dirt spot on my wall. Can you clean it?
9. My Pooh Bear won’t stop looking at me.
8. My hair keeps getting in my face!
7. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about what my preschool friends might be thinking about right now.
6. I feel like you’re having too much fun out there without me.
5. I can’t sleep because I just keep thinking so many thoughts in my head.
4. Remember how you asked me what I did at preschool today and I said “I’m not tellin’ you?” Well, I’m ready to tell you now.
3. I don’t think you brushed my teeth enough!
2. It’s hard to sleep when my mouth is making so much noise.
1. I still need to send out some emails!
Let’s hear ‘em… what are your kid’s best excuses to get out of bed… or not get in there in the first place?
(P.S., I keep forgetting to tell you guys, but if you find my child’s off-the-wall comments entertaining, you can get your fill of Caro conversations anytime here, at my Tumblr. Enjoy!)