Parenthood Rites of Passage
We all love our kids. That goes without saying. Still, there are those inevitable trials that pop up every now and then and you have to suffer through them. Once they’re over, you think, Well, I’m a real mom now. Trial by fire, so to speak. We’ve all been there. No?
Here’s my list of those parenthood rites of passage– have any to add to it?
Cleaning up a bed full of diarrhea and/or vomit.
Your toddler wakes you up in the middle of the night with those six dreaded words: “mommy, I pooped in my bed.” For a split second, you consider pretending that you’re
dead still sleeping, but you know that that mess sure isn’t gonna take care of itself, so you drag yourself out of bed, down the hall and get to it. You strip down your kid and while you’re stripping the disgusting sheets, your toddler gets into God knows what in the closet and runs gleefully amok, screaming from the sheer joy of being allowed out of bed at 2am, wearing nothing but your favorite lipstick smeared across her forehead and Crocs from last summer (where did she find those?) while you’re gagging and planning six consecutive scalding hot showers and a nose amputation and I think my tubes just tied themselves, or at least I hope they did. I forget, why did we have kids again?
Defcon 5 public meltdown in the grocery store.
You’re peacefully strolling down the aisle with your kid in the front of the shopping cart, checking out the cereal selection. You’re cool, calm, collected, and little old ladies think your kid is just criminally adorable and you’re thinking, damn straight, she is. Then it happens. Your child sees cookies, or fruit snacks, or something she wants. She wants it, and all hell is gonna break loose if she doesn’t get it. You always hated seeing those parents who give their kid whatever they want to keep them quiet, so you say no and stand your ground. Your “criminally adorable” child flips the Crazy Switch to just plain criminal, screaming at top volume and trying to fling herself from the cart. Everyone is staring. Those little old ladies are now shaking their heads in disgust at your parenting skills or lack thereof. You’re trying to calm your kid down but nothing is working and finally you wave the white flag and beat a hasty retreat to the parking lot. If you’re lucky, you have your groceries with you. If you’re extra lucky, you paid for them.
One full night of no sleep.
None of this “I got a couple hours” business– I mean not one single minute. We’re talking none at all here, people. And then you have to go to work the next day and pretend to be a normally-functioning member of society. These nights from hell usually end with the newborn stage, but can still happen later on when kids are teething or sick or whatever. You know the drill– baby wakes up, you feed him, he takes forever to fall back asleep. By the time he’s asleep, you know he’s going to want to eat in about a half hour. You lie down. GO TO SLEEP, you tell yourself. QUICK!! Before he wakes up! He’s gonna wake up soon, just try not to think about anything and grab a few quick minutes of– WAHHH! WAHHH!! …Damn it. (And repeat. All. Night. Long.)
So, what do you think? How have your kids hazed you? (Personally, I’m expecting some kind of medal to arrive in the mail. Any day now…)Add a Comment