Parenthood Rites of Passage

We all love our kids.  That goes without saying.  Still, there are those inevitable trials that pop up every now and then and you have to suffer through them. Once they’re over, you think, Well, I’m a real mom now.  Trial by fire, so to speak.  We’ve all been there.  No?

Here’s my list of those parenthood rites of passage– have any to add to it?

Cleaning up a bed full of diarrhea and/or vomit.

Your toddler wakes you up in the middle of the night with those six dreaded words: “mommy, I pooped in my bed.”  For a split second, you consider pretending that you’re dead still sleeping, but you know that that mess sure isn’t gonna take care of itself, so you drag yourself out of bed, down the hall and get to it.  You strip down your kid and while you’re stripping the disgusting sheets, your toddler gets into God knows what in the closet and runs gleefully amok, screaming from the sheer joy of being allowed out of bed at 2am, wearing nothing but your favorite lipstick smeared across her forehead and Crocs from last summer (where did she find those?) while you’re gagging and planning six consecutive scalding hot showers and a nose amputation and I think my tubes just tied themselves, or at least I hope they did. I forget, why did we have kids again?

Defcon 5 public meltdown in the grocery store.

You’re peacefully strolling down the aisle with your kid in the front of the shopping cart, checking out the cereal selection.  You’re cool, calm, collected, and little old ladies think your kid is just criminally adorable and you’re thinking, damn straight, she is.  Then it happens.  Your child sees cookies, or fruit snacks, or something she wants.  She wants it, and all hell is gonna break loose if she doesn’t get it.  You always hated seeing those parents who give their kid whatever they want to keep them quiet, so you say no and stand your ground.  Your “criminally adorable” child flips the Crazy Switch to just plain criminal, screaming at top volume and trying to fling herself from the cart.  Everyone is staring.  Those little old ladies are now shaking their heads in disgust at your parenting skills or lack thereof. You’re trying to calm your kid down but nothing is working and finally you wave the white flag and beat a hasty retreat to the parking lot.  If you’re lucky, you have your groceries with you.  If you’re extra lucky, you paid for them.

One full night of no sleep.

None of this “I got a couple hours” business– I mean not one single minute. We’re talking none at all here, people. And then you have to go to work the next day and pretend to be a normally-functioning member of society. These nights from hell usually end with the newborn stage, but can still happen later on when kids are teething or sick or whatever. You know the drill– baby wakes up, you feed him, he takes forever to fall back asleep. By the time he’s asleep, you know he’s going to want to eat in about a half hour. You lie down. GO TO SLEEP, you tell yourself. QUICK!! Before he wakes up! He’s gonna wake up soon, just try not to think about anything and grab a few quick minutes of– WAHHH! WAHHH!!  …Damn it. (And repeat. All. Night. Long.)

So, what do you think?  How have your kids hazed you?  (Personally, I’m expecting some kind of medal to arrive in the mail.  Any day now…)

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  1. by Kristen

    On March 13, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    I have been there! And lived through all those things! Let’s see. My favorites (so far) have been projectile vomiting in a nice restaurant. 24 hours after I cleaned her up in the restaurant bathroom I got the same sickness. There was also 6 days in the hospital with my child having pneumonia. She came home on the day of her first birthday. But, it seems to be getting better now that she is older.

  2. by Jane

    On March 14, 2012 at 10:38 am

    You make me crack up, although when all these happened to me, I would so want to break down into tears. My son is very prone to vomiting and does a lot of it in bed, so needless to say there is a lot of cleaning to do late at night. I never dare to walk him down the toys aisle while shopping – he would cry and scream at the top of his lung till he would vomit and how am I supposed to stand my ground that way?

  3. by Sherry

    On March 19, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Ooooooo, this post gives me the chills! Other than the pop part (we’re more of a throw-up kind of family), I could have written this. My 1 1/2 yr old son just threw up for the first time in his life…while sitting beside his 3 yr old brother in one of those big, er, HUGE kids shopping carts at the grocery store. The worst part was that everyone was just staring. No helping, no sympathy, no passing of the paper towels, no nothing. So embarrassing. And gross. And stinky.

  4. by G

    On March 20, 2012 at 2:45 am

    Only one full night of no sleep? I had many of those for sure. Thankfully not very often anymore. Though we did just have a night the other night of one hour of sleep. Ugh