In Which I Date a Guy Who Does Have Kids

Remember that time I informed you all that guys without kids are too immature and crazy for a single mom to date?  It is with a heavy heart that I now report to you, from the field, that men with kids are just as crazy.  If not more.

Is it just me?  It’s probably me.

I clearly lied when I said that thing about taking a break from dating.  Hi, my name is Julia, and I’m a datingaholic.  (Hi, Julia.)  What can I say?  I get bored.  And lonely sometimes.  (So, apparently, does my reluctant comrade-in-arms Kate Gosselin.  All I can say to that is, DATING TIP: maybe don’t have eight kids and act like a crazy person on national TV for years on end and then try to play it cool like you’re totes normal and dateable.  You’re welcome, Kate.  I’m here for you.)

Where was I?  Oh right.  So I went on a date with this single dad, and this is how it went:

We had a relatively normal (if slightly awkward) conversation for about five minutes.  Then he heaved a giant sigh, clapped his hands together, closed his eyes, and said, eyes still closed, “Okay.  Full disclosure time.”

“Oh… okay.  What do you mean?” I asked, full of trepidation.  Does he wear complete dentures?  Is he wanted for murder?  Is he a Republican?  What could it be that’s so terrible that it warrants mentioning five minutes into a first date?

“I’m married,” he said.  ”Well, separated.  I just moved out.  I’m living with a friend until I can move into my own place.  This is all new to me.  But I want a relationship, and a serious one.  I’m definitely looking for long-term here.  I hope you’re interested in the same.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s… efficient.  Thanks for telling me.”  I opened my mouth to tell him that I won’t be in the area for long, but he went off on a long rant about his wife and all the things that were wrong with their relationship and what a terrible nag she was, and admitted he was so miserable since he moved out that he gets drunk every night.  I quickly decided it didn’t matter how soon I’d be moving away, because even ten minutes more with this guy was probably going to put me over the edge into alcoholism myself.  We had met for breakfast, so I couldn’t even have a drink to take the edge off the terrible awkwardness that this had become.  I stared at the grapes on my plate, wishing they were wine.

So,” he said loudly, snapping me back to attention, “needless to say, I’m now trying to figure out exactly what it is that I’m looking for in my next wife.  For example, she needs to be a lady.  I mean, I’m a gentleman, you know?  I’ve raised my son to open doors.  My daughters will actually stand in front of a door and just wait for my son to open it.  I hope they expect that from men for the rest of their lives.”

“Wow,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “I can’t say I agree with you on that one.  Honestly, I’d prefer that my daughter didn’t ever depend on a man, for a door or anything else.”

He tried to backpedal, but I quickly blocked him with, “So what else is on the list?”

“You really want to know?” he asked with a grin.  ”I’ve got it!  Here, on my phone.”  He grabbed his phone and brought it up while I stared at him, trying to figure out what I had done in a past life to deserve this.  He handed it to me and I scanned through his list of “attributes”.  ”I must not find her annoying” was one of them, along with “she must be undeniably attracted to me”.  ”She must be M.O.” was another.

“What’s M.O.?” I asked him.

“Good question,” he shouted, banging his hand on the table so that the dishes rattled and I jumped.  ”The first word is multi.  And it has to do with sex.  I’ll let you figure out the rest.  Get it?”

That was it.  I looked pointedly at my wrist (and no, I don’t wear a watch).  ”Wow,” I said brightly, pulling out some cash to throw on the table, “look at the time.  I’ve got to get to work.  It was great meeting you.”

He stood up uncertainly.  ”I’ll walk you to your car,” he said.  ”So… do you want to get together again sometime?  I had a lot of fun.  I think this is a good match.  Do you think this is a good match?”

I felt bad and smiled at him.  ”I’m glad you had fun,” I said. “Good luck with everything.”

(So much for the single dad theory.  In case you were wondering, he did not open the door for me on the way out.  But then again, I’m pretty sure “gentlemen” don’t talk about multiple orgasms on the first date anyway.)

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  1. by JJ

    On February 27, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Oh man, oh man – I dont mean to laugh at your painful date, but SERIOUSLY!? Thats just, wow! Thanks for sharing and giving me a laugh, but I DO hope the next date is 10x better!

  2. by Karen

    On February 28, 2012 at 6:56 am

    How do these things keep happening to you? You’re like a magnet for the crazy!

  3. by Julia

    On February 28, 2012 at 7:04 am

    This is why I blog, you guys. This is why I blog.

  4. by Melanie

    On February 28, 2012 at 7:47 am

    O.M.G. what a nightmare! Now I’m definitely not wanting to date again!

  5. by Katie H.

    On February 28, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Are you sure you weren’t being punk’d? lol

  6. by Erinn

    On February 28, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God!!!

    And please don’t confuse my horror with multi-O’s.

    WHERE do these people come from?!?!

  7. by Sara

    On February 28, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Oh wow–so funny and horrific all at the same time! I’m sorry. I hope the next dude is a whole lot less crazy.

    @Erinn–best comment ever! LOL.

  8. by Harmony

    On February 29, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Oh my god……he was a real winner. I can’t believe you didn’t call into work to spend more time with him ;) I am a long time reader of your blog! There is no shame in dating, and keeping your options open. This guy had crazy written all over him. Your next date WILL be better! :)

  9. by AFB

    On March 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Painful. Funny. But oh my god!

  10. by Camille

    On March 5, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    wow! That date started bad… and went down hill. I find it very ironic that a “gentleman” who is just “separated” from his wife is looking for a long term relationship. One could suggest that he should work on the one he currently has. Perhaps he should make a list of things to better it then a list of a “better her”. Just sayin’

  11. by Erin

    On March 8, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Oh man! LOL! That’s even better than the one I had who was in a custody battle over his 13 year old who was accusing him of watching her shower, and suddenly forgot my phone number when I told him in so many words, that I wasn’t trying to get in his pants (when we were arranging a second date).

    This is my first time on your site, and you, Julia, just made my RSS list. LOVE your blog!!