In Which I Date A Guy Who Has No Kids
Ever since the HSD debacle, I haven’t felt very enthusiastic about or interested in dating at all, which I think anyone would agree is understandable. Still, when a friend told me recently that she had the “perfect” guy for me, I figured, hey, why not give it a shot? He was a bit younger than me and didn’t have kids, and if I’m going to date I would prefer to date another single parent for all kinds of reasons. But as long as I don’t get Caroline involved again, which you can bet your last pair of mom-jeans I will not, what do I have to lose but time?
Oh, and also my last shred of dignity? There’s always that to be lost. Well, there was. It’s gone, now.
It started out fine. Pretty great, in fact. He asked me to go to this place where there was not only a bar but also all these kid-type games like mini golf and skeeball and a climbing wall, et cetera. We had a great time and had tons to talk about. It went so well that when he invited me back to his place to hang out with his friends, I accepted. (Because, again, why not?) I followed his car back to his place, and that’s where I realized I had made some kind of… miscalculation.
I walked in the door and met his two roommates, who were very nice, just like he was. But the place reeked of smoke, and not the cigarette kind. There were giant speakers scattered around the floor, recycling bins overflowing with beer cans, a hookah sitting on a scarred kitchen table, beer pong “house rules” tacked to the wall, and above the fireplace was a giant whiteboard with a single word scrawled across it in dry-erase black marker: DIARRHEA.
(Well… at least it was spelled correctly?)
One of his roommates rolled by me (yes, in the house) on a Razor scooter towards the bathroom. I went to sit down in one of the chairs at the hookah table and my date grabbed my shoulder. ”Oh, not that one,” he said. “It’s only got three legs.”
“So, how long have you guys lived here?” I asked, brightly, and a little too loudly, in a desperate attempt to drown out the chorus of I’mtoooldforthisI’mtoooldforthisI’mtoooldforthis that was screaming through my brain. ”About six months,” my date said cheerfully. ”No, wait, longer than that…”
I’m not trying to be a snob, here, but really, how could I ever imagine bringing my child to a place like that if we started seriously dating? And what would he think of my place, which is usually nearly spotless and has organic kids’ snacks in the pantry and the lyrics to “You Are My Sunshine” hanging next to silver-framed smiling photos of me and my daughter on the wall?
Really, the last straw was the awkward moment where he playfully whacked me with a couch pillow and blood started gushing from my nose. ”Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” he gasped. “Captain Take-It-Too-Far over here. Are you okay??” ”I’m fine,” I insisted, peering at him as I tilted my head back and applied pressure to staunch the flow. “I’ll send you the bill for my transfusion.” (Awe. Some. This sh*t only happens to me. On dates.)
And yet he was such a cool and funny guy and throughout the few dates we had, we never ran out of things to say to each other. In the end I broke it off because I just couldn’t see it going anywhere– he seemed far too uncomfortable with the fact that I had a child, and I couldn’t get past the fact that we were in such different places in our lives. He seemed a little hurt at first, but quickly agreed that he wasn’t ready to date someone who was already a mom.
I’m in such a strange place in life, you guys. Being a mom defines me to such a degree that I would really prefer to date men who also have children, because they understand me and my priorities in a way that people who don’t have children never could. But I’m also young enough that I still really like to have fun… so 35-year-olds who have kids and go to bed by 10pm on weekends (like HSD) aren’t a good fit for me, either. I used to have a different life, back in college, like the guy in this post… and I loved it at the time, and sometimes I miss it, but I don’t want to go back and I don’t want to date someone who is still there, either. As I told him when I broke things off, I think that for younger guys who don’t have kids, my life might be a nice place to visit, but they probably wouldn’t want to live there.
So, it turns out that I’m extending my break from dating– indefinitely. Whatever happens will happen, but my life is apparently incapable of being non-crazy even when I’m not looking for anything… so who knows what unbelievable situation I’ll end up in next. (Stay tuned for the next episode of “Hey, At Least You’re Not Julia”.)
Categories: Residency, Single Parenting, Unexpectedly Expecting | Tags: Apartment, Breakups, Caroline, Dating, Residency, Single Parenting
10 Comments
by Stephanie
On February 8, 2012 at 10:26 am
Love this post! I’ve been feeling the same way towards dating…but never thought of dating someone with kids until I met a great guy who had a daughter. You’re so right on about SDads being the only type of guy who really knows and understands your priorities. Can’t wait to read more of your articles! –Steph from ThoseYoungMoms
by Viridiana Sansores
On February 8, 2012 at 10:33 am
I can relate to your experience , not that it happened yo me yet but as a single parent I can see that happening. I know some single guys without kids that will die to have a family already and some guys with kids that just aren’t ready , sobif you believe there is someone perfect for you then God will put him on your way .
by Megan
On February 8, 2012 at 11:14 am
So this is the first of your blogs that I’ve read, so I read HSD too (for a frame of reference…) I actually wondered if maybe I’d written it myself while I was sleeping or something… I feel your pain. I hope it gets better for both of us soon!
by Sherry
On February 8, 2012 at 11:28 am
Ok, I honestly could not stop laughing as I was reading this post. What a nightmare (the pot-smell, bloody nose, etc)! Love your humor, even if you’re just poking fun a your situation.
by Kiara
On February 8, 2012 at 11:49 am
I had to read about HSD too. I was a double a**hole. Not your fault at all, but on this topic. Well this guy, even if you weren’t a single mom, wasn’t on your level in life. But don’t give up. Check the signs though, you knew when you entered that apartment that it wouldn’t work. You gotta know, just as a woman, when to say nope this isn’t for me and move on…immediately. As for only dating guys with kids, I can’t agree. I’ve been with a great guy for nearly four years that doesn’t have any kids and I have one. At first I made it clear to him that I’d rather him be her friend than her dad, but over time (b/c her dad sucks) he’s taken on that role. And he’s great at it. So it really depends on the person. You are looking for someone to fit into your world and you into theirs. And you can’t force that.
by Angel
On February 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Julia- Don’t be so hard on yourself. I am not a single mom but I know several and it is really hard to find that perfect fit, it’s hard enough when you only have to consider yourself but it’s even harder to find someone who is right for you and your child. I’ve seen mothers who aren’t picky about who they date “because they aren’t looking for anything serious and they keep them away from the kids anyway” and I’ve seen people who give it one or two tries and give up altogether and then wake up one moring as depressed 42 year olds whose kids are grown and have no one in their lives, like my sister. Take your time and be picky, but don’t give up altogether, you have too much to offer to spend your life alone. As for single dads verses guys WO kids, find the ‘right’ guy, don’t set limits that may keep him out of the running. Every great dad started out as a single guy without kids and every single dad is not great!
by Jordynn
On February 8, 2012 at 8:12 pm
I feel your pain but don’t think just because you meet a guy that has a kid that they changed like you did. Unfortunately, I met this single dad with custody of his little girl that was the same age as my little one through some friends. We first just started talking online before we made any definite plans and I was super excited because we had so much in common and could relate to one another. So we made some plans and before the plans even occurred I started finding things I didn’t like and when we met it was a deal breaker! Let’s just say he’s much better in writing because in person he sounds just like a pot head and both he and his little girl reeked of cigarettes (the actual kind though). Although, I was absolutely taken by his sweet little girl, I was thoroughly disappointed with him. I honestly wondered what was so wrong with the mother that the child ended up with him! This was a few months back already but I still haven’t come across anyone remotely a prospect! I know many people that have had success and marriages through online sites and am considering starting on one by summer if my luck continues to be so poor! I feel for you!
by Lynn
On February 9, 2012 at 1:58 pm
lol. You poor thing. But honestly, you will look back and laugh at this date…if you haven’t already.
I truly believe that a person’s odds of finding ‘the right one’ are greater when they aren’t looking. You’re more likely to be yourself rather than the person you think you need to be.
It worked for me.
by Anthony
On February 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Funny but sad post. It works both ways unfortunately.
by Lupe
On February 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm
LOL! Oh goodness. That would have been a riot! However, not all single men are like that. I met a great guy who has no kids, and we’re the same age (early 20′s), and he is great with my son! We’ve been together over a year now and I couldn’t imagine myself any happier. It will happen when it happens, don’t you worry! Someone will just fall into your lap and you’ll be so surprised you won’t even know!!! Keep your head up!!