My “I-Will-Never’s”: Toddler Edition.
I wrote a post like this, long ago, about things I always said I’d never do once I had a baby that got shot to hell once my baby was actually born. I think it’s about time for round two: the toddler edition.
“When my kid is a toddler, I’ll never…”
1. Let her use a pacifier. Little kids walking around with binkies in their mouths were always a pet peeve of mine. Well, let me tell you (as I’ve told you before), Caroline is so attached to hers that prying that thing out of her mouth is a lot easier said than done. We’re pretty much down to naps and nighttime, but I haven’t dared to take the final push just yet. It has taken me this long to even get to that point because the fact is, I don’t have time to deal with my entire house going up in an apocalyptic mushroom cloud every morning over a stupid piece of plastic and rubber. I’m late for work, here’s your pacifier.
2. Feed her junk food. I try not to do this often, but there are several reasons I caved on this one. First of all, some days she’ll refuse to eat anything at all and if I can get a couple of Goldfish in her so she doesn’t starve and/or stay up all night, then that’s what I’m gonna do. Second, I just don’t have time to whip up wholesome food every single time she eats. Third, once in awhile I want to eat junk food, and she sees me doing it and makes a beeline for the bag of whatever salty, fatty deliciousness I’m shoving into my own face. And people, I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Let me have my junk food, I beg of you.
3. Let her watch TV. I was opposed to this because of all the studies that tell you that if you let your kids watch TV they’ll end up with ADHD or Ebola or it’ll make all their teeth fall out or whatever. But listen, that wonderful machine lets me prepare dinner and clean the house and occasionally get an extra twenty glorious minutes of sleep. There’s no way I’m ever gonna pass that up. Everything in moderation, right?
4. Allow her to talk back to me in public. Haha. Hahahaha. Isn’t it hilarious that I ever thought I’d be able to control stuff like that?
5. Carry her everywhere she goes. Okay, she is getting to be way too big to be carried anywhere, at least for me, since she’s nearly a third of my weight at this point. And I shouldn’t let her force me to. But the fact is, sometimes I really need to get somewhere, like work, and she just. will. not. go where I need her to. So I have to pick her up. And then she wants to be carried the next time around. And repeat. It’s a vicious cycle and I haven’t figured out how to break it. In the meantime, the kid’s getting carried into daycare every time I’m late. Which is… every day.
6. Refuse to read books over and over. Because reading is good for them. Right? It feeds their brains. And sets up good habits for lifelong learning. Except by the time I’ve read If You Give a Pig a Pancake seventy-five times, there is nothing on this earth that could possibly resuscitate my brain from its childrens-book-coma and make me become a normal person who can function normally in adult society. The other day, after a particularly long weekend of The Cat in the Hat Comes Back, a patient asked for whitening and I came thisclose to asking them if they’d tried something called VOOM. I wish I were kidding.
Now, it’s up to you: leave your toddler I-will-never’s in the comments, so I don’t feel so bad!Add a Comment