Things I Never Thought I’d Say

Every parent has had those moments.  You say something to your kid (usually in response to something weird they’re doing) and immediately you can’t believe that just came out of your mouth.  Having kids can make you say the strangest stuff, right?

Here’s my list of things that yes, I have actually said out loud to my daughter and didn’t even think twice about it:

“Let’s take your toast out of your purse.”

“Actually, that’s not shampoo, it’s applesauce.”

“Mommy doesn’t feel like wearing one of your diapers today.”

“No, you may not take that little boy home as a pet.”

“Do you want to hold my beeper on the potty?”

“Mommy doesn’t need a binky in her mouth right now.”  (Or ever.)

“That is not a hat.  It is a bowl full of cereal.”

“I’d be happy to read you this book once you take all the Legos out of the tub.”

“Carrots want to go to the party in my tummy?!  YAYYY!!!”

“I don’t think Pooh Bear wants to go for a swim in the toilet.”

“Please take that Play Doh out of your pants.”

“Mommy’s belly is not for standing on.”

“Peas go in your mouth, not in your ears.”

“Maybe we could run around naked another time.”

“Of course Mommy has a bellybutton too, but maybe we could look at it when we get home.”

“You can watch TV if you let me clip your toenails while you watch it.”

And my personal favorite, said just this morning…

“I can pick my own nose, thank you.”

So, let’s hear them: what are some things you’ve said to your kids that you never thought you’d hear yourself say?

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  1. by Harmony

    On November 15, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Recently I had to say “Please don’t lick the car” which I kind of thought was a given LOL

  2. by Amy S

    On November 15, 2011 at 10:25 am

    “Owen you can not run around outside naked. No, the neighbors do NOT need to see your Penis!”

  3. by Erinn

    On November 15, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    My BFF once said to my daughter and her two kids, “You don’t real bite the pretend food!” (from the play kitchen.)

    I can’t even think of the funny things I have said…I’m sure there are some…

  4. by Heather Morgan Shott

    On November 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    “C’mon, Mason, let Mama see your boo boo” (his butt)– a phrase that started to come out of my mouth when Mason started getting bad diaper rash and I needed to rub diaper cream on it.He hates having his diaper changed so he normally makes a fast escape and I have to chase him around.

  5. by Julia

    On November 15, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Haha!! These are cracking me up!! Love it.

  6. by Mary

    On November 15, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Lissa, let’s not turn the dog crate upside down, while the dog is in it. Also, Lissa, you have to peel the banana before you eat it.

  7. by Elizabeth

    On November 15, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    I have to say “stop putting that shoe in your mouth….what if I stepped in dog poo??” more than I would like to admit… Gross!!

  8. by Melodee

    On November 15, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    This is hilarious! My mom and I joke all the time about the random things you find yourself saying to kids that would otherwise never come out of your mouth. My favorite was when my stepdaughter was about 3, I was on the phone with my mom and I suddenly blurted out, “Please don’t eat the fake banana!”. We still laugh about it.

  9. by lynn

    On November 15, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    “No, we don’t colour the cat’s bum with markers” wait, what? really?

    “we don’t lick our books”

    “Please take the dead flies out of your pocket!”

    “Is your bum still itchy? let mommy see.”

    Yes, I have a boy.

  10. by Adrienne

    On November 16, 2011 at 11:01 am

    In Walmart: Yes, dear. Her boobies are bigger than mine. Can we talk about this in the car?

  11. by Adrienne

    On November 16, 2011 at 11:01 am

    In Walmart: Yes, dear. Her boobies are bigger than mine. Can we talk about this in the car?

  12. by L

    On November 16, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Recently heard come out of my husband’s mouth in all seriousness:

    “There’s no walrus food in Daddy’s belly-button.”

    Hahaha! The rest of these are great, too. And I recognize the “Carrots want to go to the party in my tummy?!” phrase.

  13. by AFB

    On November 17, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    During Potty Training:

    Kathryn did a poo-poo, Kathryn did a poo-poo – La la la la! (As we sing and dance around the room!)

  14. by Tanya

    On November 17, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Dylan, please stop throwing the dog poop.
    Dylan, the tv is not for licking.
    Why are you coloring on bentley? (bentley is a pit bull)
    Your wiener doesn’t stretch!
    There are many others…sometimes I get so confused after I say things that I just burst out laughing.

  15. by Tanya

    On November 17, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Dylan, please stop throwing the dog poop.
    Dylan, the tv is not for licking.
    Why are you coloring on bentley? (bentley is a pit bull)
    Your wiener doesn’t stretch!
    There are many others…sometimes I get so confused after I say things that I just burst out laughing.
    I’m unsure how many times I’ve had to explain that “mama is not for climbing on!” I am not a jungle gym. To which the response is always “why not?”

  16. by Jessi

    On November 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    “There is monkey hair on the bologna” this may need some interpretation, I made my son a monkey costume for Halloween and the material was shedding pretty badly and got everywhere, we were finding monkey hair fir days.

  17. by Andrea

    On November 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Me to my daughter “There is no reason you will need a rolling pin in bed tonight”

  18. by K

    On December 6, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    I once heard my mother shout across the house at my younger sibling “TAKE THE CAT OUT OF THE OVEN!”

  19. by lauren

    On December 14, 2011 at 1:56 am

    “Yes honey, that oobi has lots of hair on his back just like daddy” & “yes that one has no hair on his back, uh huh just like you & me” both said while laying in bed with my 3yr old during our ‘slumber party’ daddy was out of town so I camped out in her room :o )

  20. by Ruth

    On December 21, 2011 at 12:21 am

    “Take the cheese off the window!”

  21. by Jeni

    On December 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    “Leave the rolling pin out here,& no it is NOT a baseball bat!”

  22. by Brooke W.

    On December 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I just said this one a moment ago:

    ‎”Baby, stop snorting that straw! You’re one step closer to snorting cocaine!”

  23. by Ria

    On January 19, 2012 at 7:54 am

    I can’t remember the others, but my personal favorite was. “No, you cannot pee on the neighbor. Not even if he’s making you mad.” A boy obviously…

  24. by Loryn

    On January 25, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    So far my personal favorite has been “No no Grayson, you have your own penis. Don’t touch Jango’s (our dog)” then there was “Yes baby, I know Jango’s food is on the floor but I promise you yours tastes better. And no you do not need to chew on his bone.”