Apparently, You *Can* Fail a Pregnancy Test.
Last week, one of my single friends was worried that she might be pregnant. She texted me in a panic, asking if I got cramps with my morning sickness, and I yelled at her to take a test, and she yelled back that she couldn’t in the middle of the week because she would be a mess at work if she was indeed pregnant.
Eventually, she finally got up the nerve to take the test. Here are the texts we exchanged throughout her ordeal:
Her: Okay, I took a test. It’s blank.
Me: Blank? What do you mean, blank? There’s no control line?
Her: Nope. Blank. I think the test is too old.
Me: Don’t those things take like 10 years to expire? Exactly how long have you been taking pregnancy tests?
Her: Don’t judge. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that according to this test I’m not pregnant yet.
Me: I don’t think you understand what a pregnancy test does.
Her: Of course I do. You pee on the stick and then you may or may not get pregnant.
Me: Oh. See, this is why I have a kid. I don’t know how this s–t works.
Her: Exactly. If I had been around a few years ago, you might not have gotten knocked up.
Me: Look, would you just pee on another stick already?
(pause for about an hour)
Her: Okay, I got another test.
Her: Only test I’ve ever been happy to fail.
Me: Well, that’s a relief. This calls for a drink!!
Her: Yeah. After that first one was blank I was sure I was pregnant. Probably with a ghost baby. I didn’t remember having sex with a ghost, but then again I bet no one would, right?
Me: …I see you’ve started drinking without me.
Her: Yup. Cheers.