Apparently, You *Can* Fail a Pregnancy Test.

Last week, one of my single friends was worried that she might be pregnant.  She texted me in a panic, asking if I got cramps with my morning sickness, and I yelled at her to take a test, and she yelled back that she couldn’t in the middle of the week because she would be a mess at work if she was indeed pregnant.

Eventually, she finally got up the nerve to take the test.  Here are the texts we exchanged throughout her ordeal:

Her: Okay, I took a test.  It’s blank.

Me: Blank?  What do you mean, blank?  There’s no control line?

Her: Nope.  Blank.  I think the test is too old.

Me: Don’t those things take like 10 years to expire?  Exactly how long have you been taking pregnancy tests?

Her: Don’t judge.  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that according to this test I’m not pregnant yet.

Me: I don’t think you understand what a pregnancy test does.

Her: Of course I do.  You pee on the stick and then you may or may not get pregnant.

Me: Oh.  See, this is why I have a kid.  I don’t know how this s–t works.

Her: Exactly.  If I had been around a few years ago, you might not have gotten knocked up.

Me: Look, would you just pee on another stick already?

(pause for about an hour)

Her: Okay, I got another test.

Me: And?

Her: Only test I’ve ever been happy to fail.

Me: Well, that’s a relief.  This calls for a drink!!

Her: Yeah.  After that first one was blank I was sure I was pregnant.  Probably with a ghost baby.  I didn’t remember having sex with a ghost, but then again I bet no one would, right?

Me: …I see you’ve started drinking without me.

Her: Yup.  Cheers.

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  1. by Shima

    On November 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    LOL! That’s hilarious. Thanks for that.

  2. by SP

    On November 8, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Thanks for the heart attack with that picture coming up first in my reader….

  3. by Julia

    On November 8, 2011 at 8:25 am

    HAHA!! Sorry SP!

  4. by SingleMama

    On November 8, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    So…not to freak ya out or anything, but when I was pregnant, I took 4 tests that all said “not pregnant” when I in fact was…it took until I was close to 6 weeks along to get a positive reading.

  5. by Ryan

    On November 8, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    better than a false positive! I got one of those once… I’ll never buy that brand again!

  6. by Oli

    On November 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    omg so funny =)!
    Until I read SingleMama’s comment!! uhhhhh THAT happens???

  7. by SingleMama

    On November 9, 2011 at 8:40 am

    @Oli: Yes, yes it did! I even went to the doctor. When I told her I had taken 4 tests that all said negative she told me there was no way I was pregnant. I took one a week, in the morning like you are supposed to, for 4 weeks…then the 5th week it finally said “pregnant”.

  8. by katharine

    On December 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    When I took my pregnancy test, it was what I like to call “inconclusive.” Couldn’t tell which result it was because it faint. Ended up getting a test done at the doctor’s office. It was weird being “cautiously excited” at the prospect of being pregnant.

  9. by Elishama

    On December 2, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    I had a miscarriage and every time after that I feel as if am pregnant, I have cramps, nausea and lower back pain the test always comes out negative and Aunt Flo shows up a few days after.

  10. by Nikki

    On December 2, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Reminds me of an old friend. She didn’t want to test either b/c she knew she was pregnant. I finally made her. All I remember is her screaming “what do 2 lines mean, what do 2 lines mean?” She thought it meant twins.

  11. by Allison

    On April 23, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Uh yes – I can second what SingleMama said. Happened to me as well…