Life as a Normal Person vs. Life as a Toddler Mom
Remember those days when you didn’t have a kid? Ah, I think about them sometimes. Most daily activities could be completed within a reasonable amount of time and without five cups of coffee and a massive heaping of patience. We never appreciated it though, did we? I know I didn’t. And if you’re anything like me, you have a ton of childfree friends who don’t really get it. Since I am such a friendly and helpful person, I’ve put together this guide to daily life with a toddler for you to send to those friends or post on your Facebook. Not to complain, okay? Just to give them a little taste of what our lives are like. It’s either that, or send them our kids in the mail, you know, and postage is getting rather pricey these days.
So here it is: step-by-step guide to daily life with a toddler (with handy side-by-side comparisons to daily life as a normal person):
Getting ready for work as a normal person:
1. Get out of bed.
3. Get dressed, put on makeup, do hair.
4. Eat breakfast.
5. Leave for work.
Getting ready for work as a toddler mom:
1. Get dragged out of bed by toddler at least an hour before alarm goes off.
2. Make toddler breakfast. Make toddler another breakfast because they refuse to eat the first one.
3. Get out toys for toddler to play with while you shower. Get in shower. Shower as fast as possible while toddler holds curtain open and screams for attention.
4. Get dressed. Attempt to put on makeup but toddler is throwing fit because she wants to put on makeup too. Toss toddler box of Q-tips to play with and tell her it’s makeup. Watch toddler empty entire box of Q-tips onto floor. Sigh heavily. Dance a jig while singing Old MacDonald in desperate attempt to entertain toddler while swiping on mascara.
5. Give up completely on doing hair at all, ever again.
6. Run out of house with four bags over your shoulder and toddler on your hip, running 20 minutes late. Get to daycare and realize that toddler has no shoes on and you’ve forgotten your own breakfast.
7. Resolve to get up earlier tomorrow. Miss exit for work because you are exhausted.
Cooking dinner as a normal person:
1. Get out ingredients.
2. Chop ingredients.
3. Cook dinner.
Cooking dinner as a toddler mom:
1. Get out ingredients.
2. Realize you don’t have at least four things you need to make what you were planning. Drag toddler out to grocery store to pick up missing ingredients. Get home and realize you’ve still forgotten at least two ingredients, think eff it, and start cooking anyway.
3. Start chopping ingredients, but toddler starts screaming for attention. Put down food, pick up toddler, and put on DVD to entertain toddler while you cook. Toddler throws screaming fit because she is hungry. Give toddler snack to keep her happy. Continue cooking, pausing every 5 minutes to refresh toddler’s snack.
4. Finally finish cooking but realize you are no longer hungry because it has taken over an hour to make dinner, and neither is your toddler, because by this time, she has eaten the equivalent of 14 snacks.
5. Put dinner into fridge for next night.
6. Completely forget about that dinner until two weeks later. Throw dinner out.
I know all you toddler moms will back me up on this one. Any activities to add to the list?
(Oh, and if all else fails with those unsympathetic childfree friends, just send your kid with them for an hour or two. One of my friends thought she wanted to have a baby, and then she spent one hour with my daughter at a playground… and decided she’d rather just get a dog. Never fails. Good luck.)Add a Comment