I try not to write about guys I’m dating that I actually really like. But in this case I’m going to make an exception.
I do a fair amount of dating, but I don’t usually take it past one or two dates. I’ve written before about how picky I am and how being a young divorced mom seems to turn guys off. That combination isn’t exactly a winning one for relationships.
But I’ve been seeing this single dad recently and I like him, so I’m going to try to only give up enough detail to prove a point, and nothing more.
We’ve been on a couple of dates. He’s basically awesome. He seems like a great dad, he has his daughter more than the mother does, he’s super sweet and smart and funny. He comes up with all these great ideas for dates and is very respectful of my situation with Caroline, and of how busy I am. And he seems really into me.
And yet I kept hunting for reasons to push him away. I do that with every guy I date, basically because I’m afraid. I like being self-sufficient and independent. I’m happy being single and I’m afraid to bring someone new into my life and let them get close to me. I’m even more afraid to eventually bring someone into Caroline’s life. And maybe, a little bit, I just don’t think I deserve somebody great. It doesn’t make sense, but in a weird way I feel like because my relationship with Caroline’s father didn’t work out, I should be done in that department, and focus my energy on raising her the best I can.
Which is so stupid, because I have to be happy in order to raise her happy. That was the whole point of my divorce in the first place.
I was talking to my friends about it, trying to convince them why I shouldn’t keep seeing him. I couldn’t really come up with anything. I think they wanted to strangle me.
Friend 1: He wants to bring you where on Saturday? Forget my heart skipping a beat, I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
Friend 2: Jules, could you please stop sabotaging yourself? This guy is like an effing white knight or something.
Me: I don’t want a white knight. I’m allergic to their horses.
My point in telling you all this probably-too-personal-stuff (story of my blog, right?) is this: being a mom doesn’t mean my daughter has to be my only focus. Being a divorced mom doesn’t mean I have to punish myself for not having things work out with her father. I have to have a happy and well-rounded life in order to give my daughter the same.
And maybe sometimes, I’m just going to have to take a chance on things. Even if it’s scary, even if I’m not sure. Who knows what will happen in the future… but I was brave enough to take the leap in ending my marriage. I can be brave enough to take leaps like letting someone new into my life, too.Add a Comment