Taking Chances

I try not to write about guys I’m dating that I actually really like.  But in this case I’m going to make an exception.

I do a fair amount of dating, but I don’t usually take it past one or two dates.  I’ve written before about how picky I am and how being a young divorced mom seems to turn guys off.  That combination isn’t exactly a winning one for relationships.

But I’ve been seeing this single dad recently and I like him, so I’m going to try to only give up enough detail to prove a point, and nothing more.

We’ve been on a couple of dates.  He’s basically awesome.  He seems like a great dad, he has his daughter more than the mother does, he’s super sweet and smart and funny.  He comes up with all these great ideas for dates and is very respectful of my situation with Caroline, and of how busy I am.  And he seems really into me.

And yet I kept hunting for reasons to push him away.  I do that with every guy I date, basically because I’m afraid.  I like being self-sufficient and independent.  I’m happy being single and I’m afraid to bring someone new into my life and let them get close to me.  I’m even more afraid to eventually bring someone into Caroline’s life.  And maybe, a little bit, I just don’t think I deserve somebody great.  It doesn’t make sense, but in a weird way I feel like because my relationship with Caroline’s father didn’t work out, I should be done in that department, and focus my energy on raising her the best I can.

Which is so stupid, because I have to be happy in order to raise her happy.  That was the whole point of my divorce in the first place.

I was talking to my friends about it, trying to convince them why I shouldn’t keep seeing him.  I couldn’t really come up with anything.  I think they wanted to strangle me.

Friend 1: He wants to bring you where on Saturday?  Forget my heart skipping a beat, I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

Friend 2: Jules, could you please stop sabotaging yourself?  This guy is like an effing white knight or something.

Me: I don’t want a white knight.  I’m allergic to their horses.

My point in telling you all this probably-too-personal-stuff (story of my blog, right?) is this: being a mom doesn’t mean my daughter has to be my only focus.  Being a divorced mom doesn’t mean I have to punish myself for not having things work out with her father.  I have to have a happy and well-rounded life in order to give my daughter the same.

And maybe sometimes, I’m just going to have to take a chance on things.  Even if it’s scary, even if I’m not sure.  Who knows what will happen in the future… but I was brave enough to take the leap in ending my marriage.  I can be brave enough to take leaps like letting someone new into my life, too.

Add a Comment
Back To Unexpectedly Expecting
  1. by Cat

    On August 16, 2011 at 9:05 am

    You are doing a great job at raising Caroline and providing a safe future both you deserve to be happy and to have someone give you all the things that you were not getting from your ex husband.

    I could understand your hesitation on going further because we always think about our little one’s first and getting into a relationship seems daunting but if he is a great guy (it sounds like he is) and he’s understanding of your situation and is also on the same boat that your on as single parent then why not? Take your time have fun and enjoy each other and then whatever happens happens :)

  2. by Lucy

    On August 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Where do you find these guys to date? And the time? It sounds like you’ve got it figured out, help me! lol. I have my son any moment I’m not at work (which is when his father has him). And i don’t know where to meet anyone that would be okay with the fact that I have a kid. :/
    but I feel the same way as you. I sabotage everything.

  3. by Julia

    On August 18, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Hey Lucy! Well, it helps that I’m at a teaching hospital so there’s tons of students and residents… haha. Also I meet guys through friends, or out at bars, or wherever. Maybe you could try online too? As for the time, I usually have my mom or a friend come stay at my place once Caro is in bed (she goes to bed around 7-7:30, so that makes it easy enough). It’s always a stretch, though, with the time… but as I’m sure you know, as a single parent, everything’s a stretch :) Good luck!!

  4. by Cristian

    On August 28, 2011 at 2:02 am

    My mom is a second-marriage woman. My older brother was, actually, born on her previous marriage. My dad adopted him, so we all have the same lastname.

    I guess(not-the-kind-I-want)relationships are hard things to overcome, but I’d like to think my mom is really happy… and we’re all one big family.

    The chance you’re taking might feel like a huge one… but every time you open up to someone (in any sense) you have some risks to get hurt. You have almost the same risks to get amazing things out of that.

    I hope this is the case where you end up winning… So far, Julia… you’ve been taking the right desicions.