“Will You Get Married Again?”

People ask me this question a lot.  At this point, almost a year after I ended my relationship with Tyler, I don’t really know the answer to it.

For many months after I filed for divorce, I would answer that question without hesitation: “No, not ever.”  I was buried in divorce paperwork and court dates and worries about losing time with my daughter, and the thought of ever legally tying myself to someone again was exhausting and unthinkable.  Now, I’m still leaning towards “no”, but I’m not sure.

It is my cynicism that is the problem.  One of the things I hate most about divorce is that it took from me this bright-eyed innocent hopefulness about love that I used to have.  I’ve been accused of being bitter and although I don’t know if that’s the right word, because I have a very happy life, I can see how sometimes I might come off that way.  I hate that I pass couples and little families on the street and think “but how happy are they really?”  I hate that I hear about couples who have been together for 40 years and think “what if it’s just that neither of them had the guts to end it?”

(Man.  Typing that out sounds pretty brutal.  But you know I go for complete honesty around here.)

I guess that when it comes down to it, my answer is “if I ever find someone I’m compatible enough with to marry.” Having settled for who I married the first time around, I’m incredibly picky about dating… probably unrealistically so.  I am infamous among my friends for always finding a reason to not go on a second date.  I was discussing yet another first date with my friends this week and I was telling them how I didn’t think we had enough in common.   ”Exactly what kind of compatibility are you looking for?” one of them asked.  ”Jules.  You are impossible,” another sighed.  ”You’re going to have to give someone a chance sometime.”

Am I, though?  It took me long enough to establish that I am happier alone than married to someone I don’t mesh with.  If I’m content, why change anything?  I don’t like to go on dates just to go on dates.  I guess I’m in a place where I’m so happy with the way things are going that it is going to take something really special to convince me to be in a relationship… and something far beyond that to make me ever consider marriage again.

Of course having a child adds a whole other dimension to the question.  I am terrified of Caroline getting attached to someone only to have them not end up in her life.  We go through enough back-and-forth with Tyler that I’m even more picky with potential boyfriends because I do not want to let her down again.  On the other hand, a stable married relationship in her primary home, with a good male role model, would probably be better for her than living alone with me until she moves out.

So tell me, if you’re divorced, do you think you’ll get married again?  If you’re a single parent and have never been married, would you like to someday?

Add a Comment
Back To Unexpectedly Expecting
  1. by Sara

    On July 28, 2011 at 9:11 am

    I have been divorced for going on 6 years now and I have to admit, while I am slightly envious of my other friends who have met their matches and remarried after divorce, I am also happy with my freedom. I enjoy not having to worry about any other relationship other than the ones with my three children. I am not closed to the idea of getting remarried, however, I am ok with the fact that it may be quite a while before I meet just the right person for that to happen. My advice is, don’t close yourself off to it. But don’t make it a goal either. Just enjoy your freedom of choices and your beautiful daughter. Everything that is supposed to happen will in its own time.

  2. by SingleMama

    On July 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

    I have never been married and my son has no father figure. I like to think that some day I will get married and my son will have a father, but it is hard. I feel so jaded from my past relationship and I am also worried no one will live up to my expectations for my son. So…maybe.

  3. by Bobbi

    On July 28, 2011 at 10:37 am

    I have been a lurker ever since you found out you were pregnant! While I am married to my children’s father, I will tell you this…I took a while to find out who I was and what I wanted for my life before I even thought about marriage. I lived by myself and learned a lot about myself and found someone that fit into the life I wanted, rather than build a life around another person. I think this was such an important part of my life and while I didn’t get married until later (I was 29) When I did get married I was sure that I not only loved him, but that we were right for each other just the way were, not the way we could be. I think this advice can definately apply to your situation and I hope that you might even pass it on to Caroline. I know that I hope my girls take time after they move out to be on their own and find out who they are and who they want to be before even thinking about settling down with another. Take this time to find out what you want and what you are not willing to compromise. There is someone out there that will fit with you and love you and Caroline just for the way you are and not an idea of what you’re supposed to be or what they hope you might be.

  4. by Jennie

    On July 29, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    I started dating a guy 6 months after my husband left me, and got the final divorce papers 2 months later, the same week I found out I was pregnant (not by my ex)! Needless to say, it was a rough road. I’ve stayed with my son’s father out of convenience mostly, though he is a sweet guy, he’s just not the reliable partner that I want to spend the rest of my life with. It worked for awhile because I hated the idea of getting married again. I, too, am a bit jaded and pessimistic when it comes to marriage. Strangely enough, the recent marriage of Prince William and Kate has sparked something in me that makes me want to have that kind of relationship again. Though I know that nothing’s forever, and I’m still pessimistic about making wedding vows again, at least I’m open to the possibility. This is encouraging me to finally move out and move on, and then to take it slow in finding just the right man, who can be a wonderfully fulfilling partner and role model/father for my son!

  5. by Erinn

    On July 30, 2011 at 1:08 am

    I am married, so I can’t quite relate to having gone through the divorce thing, but one thing you said in this post really struck me – “On the other hand, a stable married relationship in her primary home, with a good male role model, would probably be better for her than living alone with me until she moves out.” –

    I gotta disagree.

    You can show her examples of how stable relationships work by having strong friendships with positive people who add to your life, versus those negative friendships (and we all have them) that take away from. You can surrogate in strong male role models in the form of other males in your life – cousins, uncles, fathers, grandfathers, friends’ husbands, friends that are male but not boyfriends, etc.

    And honestly, is it really so wrong for Caro to learn that a strong positive woman can stand on her own two feet, and does not necessarily have to have a man in her life to have meaningful relationships, a sense of purpose and pride, and of course, happiness. Love comes in many forms, my friend, and it is the one emotion a child is born knowing. I firmly believe it would be more damaging for you to be in an unhappy relationship with someone else just to give her the illusion of a “typical family” than to be in a happy relationship with yourself. Otherwise, you never would have gotten divorced in the first place.

    So by all means, be selective. Take your time. Set the bar as high as you want. You totally deserve it – And so does Caro.

  6. by Kathie Camp

    On July 31, 2011 at 11:45 am

    I’m divorced with two young daughters ages 7 and almost 5. I’ve been separated for 5 years, and we filed for divorce 10 months ago. We’re going through mediation and have just finished the final stages, so the final court docs will be filed this week.

    After 5 years of being a single mom of two, I do feel ready to marry again. I like the stability of marrige and companionship of having someone who truly cares about me and my girls needs.

    However, as you stated in your blog, I’m very picky now because I want my next marriage to be my last. I’ve also decided that I would wait approx. 6 months of dating someone before they meet my girls. Thus far, no one has met my girls..yes…very picky!

    My ex is engaged and will be married as soon as our divorce docs are finalized. They’ve only been dating 10 months and yet he believes she’s the one. She seems good with the girls and that’s all I care about. Honestly, I’m envious he’s found someone and I’m still searching!

    However, I’m not going to settle and will continue to search for Mr. Right! Wish me luck!

  7. by Shima

    On August 1, 2011 at 12:36 am

    I’ve been divorced for about 4 months now, separated for over a year. I have a 3 year old and a 8 month old. I would like to think I would get married again, but I want to make sure it’s the forever kind. The arguing and the yelling was just too bad in my first marriage and I don’t want to expose my children to that. I’m very picky as well and I really haven’t dated at all.

    However, I’m still young (20) and I know there’s someone out there for me and my kids. :]

  8. by Amy

    On August 1, 2011 at 9:51 am

    After I became divorced more than 5 years ago, I told everyone that marriage was not for me anymore. I did not start dating again until about 3 years ago and it was nothing serious until I reconnected with my high school sweetheart (20 years later, thank you FB)! I have custody of my three children and he has custody of his one child. We started dating in August 2009 and we moved in together in July 2010. We are now upon our 2 year anniversary and even though he wishes to get married I am still saying that marriage is not for me!

  9. by Melanie

    On August 1, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Thanks for this. I’m 6 months into a separation. My son is 7 1/2 months old (yes that’s right he left the marriage when the baby was 1 month old) I right now, I feel like it will take a whole lot to get me to want to be married again. As hurt as I was (and still am) when my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and left, each day I must say it is easier to deal with just me and the baby versus getting upset practically everyday with his behavior and lack of caring about anyone but himself.

    Keep strong and just in case anyone doesn’t say it to you, you’re doing a great job!

  10. by Aundrea

    On August 1, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I have never been married and I’m 25. I have a 9 1/2 month old son with a wonderful man who I have been with for 2 yrs and 4 months. Not engaged and no plans to get married anytime soon, although I would in a heartbeat. We are madly in love and talk about having more children sometime within the next couple of years. We aren’t married because he has been married before (14yrs) . He is 26 yrs older than I am. I know pretty big age gap but it works :) he has been divorced almost 10 years and always wanted children. He thought that time was over before he met me. He has been hurt not only by his ex wife but an ex gf he was with for 5 yrs. So to answer your question… Never been married, would love to but it will take some time with my sons father before he wants to make that commitment again. Whether ill be here waiting is the question ;)

  11. by Gary

    On August 1, 2011 at 10:05 am

    I was married for 6 years, when my ex wife decided to take our children and leave. I hated the thought of being with another woman, after what she did. Fortunately, I’ve never been one to dwell, and a couple of months later I met my girlfriend. Call me impatient, but she moved in almost immediately, and was pregnant a month later, after my divorce was finalized of course. Now, I have my 3 boys back with full custody, and have a new baby boy! Will I marry her? I feel like I already did!

  12. by Stephanie

    On August 1, 2011 at 10:15 am

    I have a two year old son with a man that I was with for seven years before we split up. We were never married but it felt like we were. While he moved on very quickly after over a year apart I have yet to even looked at someone that way. I’m not saying that I will never get married or be in serious long term relationship again. I just take the whole prospect of it quite daunting.

  13. by Aleta

    On August 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

    I had just gotten out of a bad relationship when A childhood sweetheart came riding back in to my life on his white horse. We fell madly in love and had our Son a year and a half later. When we found out we were pregnant the nightmare began. He was not a Knight in shining armor. I was devestated. But now a little over a year after I had the strength to make him leave I am happier than I have ever been. My Son Is my world, every thing I do is for him and I am a better person for it.

    I hate the idea that my Son does not have a stable Father figure, (his Dad is very flighty and I do not trust him alone with my Son) but I hate even more the idea of having a home filled with turmoil. I have a lot of Men in my family who are more than happy to help teach my Son how to be a man and that makes me comfortable.

    So no I have never been married and I do not think I ever will get married ( or date for that matter) I can not bring myself to take my Son to a sitter so that I can go out and date. It seems unfair to him, he did not ask for Mommy and Daddy to split up and I do not feel like I am sacrificing anyhting. I am a very Happy content Single Mom and do not want or care for the aggravation of a relationship….I can do bad all byu myself:-)

  14. by Tara

    On August 1, 2011 at 10:36 am

    My husband and I divorced after 13 years of marriage and have been divorced for 2 years now. We married young and were ill equipped to deal with the mature demands of making a lifelong commitment. I have dated, in the hopes of finding my match, only to realize I didn’t want to expose my kids to a relationship that may not work out. After much soul searching and reflection I realized that I wanted my family back together. That maybe we had both grown up and would be able to work it out. Currently we are both open to trying again, and yes, if it works I would marry him again.

  15. by Drew

    On August 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    When I got divorced I was so young and the divorce was so ‘ugly’ it was hard on me emotionally – I had to learn to both trust my choices again and to become open to a relationship again and I had to figure out how to move on while protecting my infant son from being hurt by a process of finding a new partner – something I certainly didn’t feel like doing at first. It wasn’t just about me anymore and that made everything more complicated.
    I am fortunate that I happened to find a wonderful man and we took it slow and got married a few years ago. It was the right person and the right choice for me and my son, but it was not easy. No matter how a divorce goes down I think it’s traumatic and takes awhile to work through those emotions but I’m glad I did

  16. by Jean Nebel

    On August 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    NO WAY!!! I am happy and do not want someone to be there 24/7 I want and like my freedom. I can take my own garbage out I do not need a man to do anything for me. I was divorced to my sons father many years ago, but married again to someone I went to school with and in 2004 he passed away unexpectedly. I miss him and feel he was the only man who would ever make me happy that I would actually want to be with so I do not want to be with anyone else again. I have tried dating, but I do not like having someone wanting me to be with them every night or day. I like my alone time and I just have not found a man who is even 1/2 the man my hubby was and really do not care to all men seem to have one thing on their minds and sorry they will not get that from me. So I say a BIG NO!!!

  17. by Julia

    On August 1, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Thanks for the comments, everybody! It’s a lot to think about… and really depends on the marriage you’re coming out of, I guess. Thanks for sharing your stories. It always makes me feel better to know that other people get where I’m coming from.

  18. by Bruce Peter

    On August 2, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    What’s the point? I mean really marriage is a disposable commodity. It’s far easier to dump your spouse than to try to figure out what is going wrong and fixing it. The people who suffer are the children.

    I think marriage should be outlawed as an outdated novelty. With the divorce rate exceeding 50% the vows that one take are usually for better, or until better comes along!

    Hope your child fares better than mine did. Good luck with that!