Rings in the River
Wedding rings. They’re the ultimate symbol of a marriage. What are you supposed to do with them if you get divorced?
I had completely forgotten that I still had mine. Long ago, shortly after I first told Tyler that I wanted a divorce, he had stolen my engagement ring off my dresser and left his wedding ring in its place. I realized it a few days later and asked him (furiously, but let’s not get into that) where the ring was. He told me he had pawned it. I left our wedding rings where they were, on my dresser.
Fast forward to last night. Caroline was with my parents, because daycare was closed this week and my mom has been doing a ton of driving every day to watch her for me, so I told her she could take her for an overnight. I was cleaning, because I’m a loser and that’s what I do with my toddler-free time, and saw the rings on my dresser. I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I didn’t want them in the house, but throwing them in the trash seemed wrong somehow, and pawning them seemed hardly worth the effort for whatever I’d get for two thin white gold bands.
Finally I decided to take them down the street to the river that runs by our old apartment, which is where we were living when we got engaged. I put them in my pocket and jogged down there. I flipped through my iPod for something appropriate, couldn’t find anything, and settled for Fergie.
Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?/ And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay…
I got down there and walked out to the middle of the bridge. I took out the rings. Before our wedding, I had had Tyler’s ring engraved on the inside with the inscription “We Are Ours Now”. I looked at it in my hand. Wrong, I thought. I am mine now.
I threw them in the river. And I don’t mind telling you that this big girl did not cry.
Then I jogged home. And I didn’t feel any sadness for what we lost, any anger for things he’s done to me, any guilt for things I’ve done to him, any regret for what might have been. I didn’t have that numbness I felt for the months immediately after I filed, or the wrenching grief I felt for the months after our divorce was finalized. I didn’t even simply feel content– I felt happy. I felt lighter. I felt hopeful and excited for my future, and whatever is in store for myself and for Caroline.
So this is what it feels like, I thought. This is how it feels to be truly over it. I like it.
I like it a lot.Add a Comment