Well, I think it’s safe to say the visitation situation has gone from bad to worse.
Caroline freaks out when she is even in the same room as Tyler. She clings to me, cries, and screams that she wants mommy and doesn’t like daddy. He hadn’t seen her in about three weeks because he has been traveling. He stopped by to visit her yesterday and ended up leaving after about five minutes because she just would not calm down. I had hoped this was just a separation anxiety issue, but at this point it seems like it is something more.
We talked about it today, and we basically decided that he has two options. He can either step it up and take all of his visitation for the next year until he moves away, and try to maintain some kind of connection once he does leave… or he can let the whole thing go, because this half-assed business that is going on right now is clearly not working, and it’s neither fair nor healthy for any of us.
I truly don’t know what is best for her at this point. Is it better to force her to have visits with him in the hope that this is just a phase? He is supposed to take her to North Dakota for two weeks in early June– should we just make her go with him? I panic inside at the thought of forcing my child to leave me, her only real attachment figure, and fly across the country for weeks with someone she doesn’t even really know and clearly does not want to be around. Or is it better to just allow him to throw in the towel? He’s going to live far away from us and will only see her very rarely, and he seems to think it is crueler to allow her to form any attachment to him only to have him move away.
Will she feel more abandoned if she gets attached over the next year and then he leaves without any explanation she can understand, or if she never has any kind of real relationship with him in the first place?
Which is worse, a father who is constantly disappointing her, or no father at all?
Why do I even have to ask myself these questions?
My heart breaks for Tyler. I can’t imagine how it must feel to watch your child throw a tantrum at the mere sight of you. But she is too young to understand that in order to be there for her in the way that she needs, he would have to give up his career in order to stay close by, and his career has always been everything to him, and now that he’s lost his family, it is one of the few things he has left that makes him happy.
I don’t think there is a good answer here. He can give up his career that he loves to be near her and hope that they will eventually develop a better relationship, but that will only lead to bitterness for him in the end. And it seems to me that there is a part of him that would be relieved, to be able to start fresh and not have to re-live his mistakes every time he tries to take a visit with a child who does not even want to see his face.
He said that the situation is similar to my reasoning, back when I filed for divorce– that it was better to cut it off sooner, while she is young and won’t remember how it was before. But I don’t know. In my heart I just cannot say that walking away from your child could ever be the right answer.Add a Comment