My feelings about being alone are complicated.

When I was married, I was alone a lot. Tyler would travel at least once a month, and was gone all summer, every summer. We didn’t usually talk on the phone while he was gone. Emails, once in awhile… that was all. I hated it– because we were married. I wasn’t supposed to be alone. I was bitter and I resented that I always had to care for Caroline alone.

He would eventually come home, and there was always a period of… adjustment. Our apartment is small, and it seemed so much smaller with this big other person suddenly in it all the time. I would be used to my quiet evenings of doing whatever I wanted, and he would come back and intrude on those. We would annoy each other. He would retreat into his work, sit on his laptop. And I would be lonely again… except we’d be sitting in the same room. I would wish that he would go away again.

Maybe I just wasn’t very good at being married.

Now I’m alone for real, and I’m supposed to be alone. I have to admit that I really enjoy it. I like keeping my apartment, my space, exactly the way I want it. I like putting Caroline to bed and spending my evenings getting ready for the next day, relaxing, chatting with friends if I want to or just being quiet and not having to cater to anyone if I don’t feel like it. On the evenings and weekends she is with Tyler, I spend time getting work done at school or out socializing with friends. I thought I would get lonely eventually, but I really haven’t. I’ve built this new life where I’ve become closer to my friends and my parents and my child, and I don’t miss having that husband, that partner. This is surprising to me. I’m more of a loner than I thought I was. The realization is almost a relief.

I have zero desire to go looking for a new partner. I have zero desire to accept any of the offers I get from any of the men I meet or know, and I am not trying to be conceited but simply stating a fact when I say that I have had many. I am just not interested; I am content. I’ve never been single like this, and now that I am, it’s kind of addicting. There’s no drama, no anger, no uncertainty, no expectations, no disappointment.

Long-term, who knows? Maybe I will get lonely. Or bored. Maybe I’ll meet someone who makes me want to change the way I live. Sometimes I ask myself if I want to live like this forever, and I cannot come up with an answer. I don’t know yet. Maybe I do. But right now I am in no rush to change anything– I’m just… living. I don’t think I have ever been able to say that about my life before. I’ve always been missing something, wanting something else. It’s such a strange feeling, to be content, to be at peace.

I think I’m onto something, here, for me. And I certainly don’t want to change it anytime soon.

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  1. by MJS

    On March 30, 2011 at 1:28 am

    I love this post. I hope you'll remember to go back and read it now and again to remember this great expression of peace and contentment and not wanting for anything. It's a verbal expression akin to a beautiful sigh of relief. Thanks for sharing this feeling. :)

  2. by Johanna

    On March 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I totally sympathize. When I ended a long-term (and long-distance) relationship many years ago, I wasn't even interested in dating for 2-3 years. I was so happy just to have friends and focus on grad school. (I've been lurking and reading, so was glad to see such an contented posting!)

  3. by Richelle

    On May 26, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    You need to youtube “how to be alone”

    FFIW, Love your blog!

  4. by Julia

    On May 27, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Aw. I love it!! Thanks for sharing that video!