My feelings about being alone are complicated.
When I was married, I was alone a lot. Tyler would travel at least once a month, and was gone all summer, every summer. We didn’t usually talk on the phone while he was gone. Emails, once in awhile… that was all. I hated it– because we were married. I wasn’t supposed to be alone. I was bitter and I resented that I always had to care for Caroline alone.
He would eventually come home, and there was always a period of… adjustment. Our apartment is small, and it seemed so much smaller with this big other person suddenly in it all the time. I would be used to my quiet evenings of doing whatever I wanted, and he would come back and intrude on those. We would annoy each other. He would retreat into his work, sit on his laptop. And I would be lonely again… except we’d be sitting in the same room. I would wish that he would go away again.
Maybe I just wasn’t very good at being married.
Now I’m alone for real, and I’m supposed to be alone. I have to admit that I really enjoy it. I like keeping my apartment, my space, exactly the way I want it. I like putting Caroline to bed and spending my evenings getting ready for the next day, relaxing, chatting with friends if I want to or just being quiet and not having to cater to anyone if I don’t feel like it. On the evenings and weekends she is with Tyler, I spend time getting work done at school or out socializing with friends. I thought I would get lonely eventually, but I really haven’t. I’ve built this new life where I’ve become closer to my friends and my parents and my child, and I don’t miss having that husband, that partner. This is surprising to me. I’m more of a loner than I thought I was. The realization is almost a relief.
I have zero desire to go looking for a new partner. I have zero desire to accept any of the offers I get from any of the men I meet or know, and I am not trying to be conceited but simply stating a fact when I say that I have had many. I am just not interested; I am content. I’ve never been single like this, and now that I am, it’s kind of addicting. There’s no drama, no anger, no uncertainty, no expectations, no disappointment.
Long-term, who knows? Maybe I will get lonely. Or bored. Maybe I’ll meet someone who makes me want to change the way I live. Sometimes I ask myself if I want to live like this forever, and I cannot come up with an answer. I don’t know yet. Maybe I do. But right now I am in no rush to change anything– I’m just… living. I don’t think I have ever been able to say that about my life before. I’ve always been missing something, wanting something else. It’s such a strange feeling, to be content, to be at peace.
I think I’m onto something, here, for me. And I certainly don’t want to change it anytime soon.