Dear Caroline,

When you are old enough to understand, these are the things I want you to know. First of all, I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone or anything. I hope you know that already, even without me ever having to say so.

I worry that you will hate me someday for making the decision to split up our family. For compromising your relationship with your father. I hope that you will be able to see past the sad parts and appreciate the reasons why I did what I did. Your father and I were not going to be able to live happy lives together. We weren’t going to be able to give you a happy, stable life, and that was so clear to me that I knew I had to part ways with him… and I had to do it while you were still young enough to not remember the awful process of it all.

I hope you don’t think that I did it out of selfishness, out of flightiness, like so many people seem to think that I did. Continuing to pretend would have only hurt us all more in the end, and the last thing I want is to hurt you…

My hope is to give you more stability than you could have had, more love than you could have felt, surround you with more happiness than I could have done if I had stayed with a man I did not love. I am certainly not perfect, and maybe I’m doing it all wrong. I don’t know. But all I can do is the best I can, and what I feel is right for us. I hope that someday, if you are ever in a similar situation, the decision that I’m making now can give you the courage to realize that you are never stuck, you are never trapped. If you’ve tried to make things work and are truly unhappy where you are, there is a way out, you can be happy again, and you shouldn’t be afraid to say that you want to take a different road than society tells you to take.

I love you. I only want the best life for you. Maybe I can’t offer that “perfect” life, living together with your father and a sibling and a dog and a white picket fence out front. But I can offer you all my love and hopefully, two parents who are happier apart than they ever could have been together. I hope that, even if your life is different from your friends’ lives, you believe in the end that your two happy homes are better than a single unhappy one.

I love you.

Mommy

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  1. by Susan

    On November 13, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    That is a beautiful letter, Julia. I hope one day when Caroline reads it, she understands and hears the sincerity and love in it.*hugs*

  2. by Anonymous

    On November 14, 2010 at 1:10 am

    Thanks for posting this. I just found your blog and my circumstances are bizarrely similar to yours. Trying to decide what to do.

  3. by Jenifer

    On November 15, 2010 at 11:49 am

    The truth is hard sometimes. But you know what is right and what you needed to do. Please know that she will understand one day that you did the right thing for everyone.

  4. by Nina

    On November 15, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    She will understand when the time comes. If this feels right in your heart, then it is right. Good luck!

  5. by Urja Dave

    On December 10, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    So beautiful and emotional.

  6. by Corey Beth

    On May 25, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Jules,
    I have loved you my whole live, (all but 5 years of it, really) and there is one thing for sure… that little girl of yours knows love, real love. Hell, I love her like she is my own, and I only see her once a month if I’m lucky (we’re BFFs). Rest your worries. You’re amazing, and she knows it.