That’s what I am. That’s all I am. The high that I was on from the thrill of changing my life for the better has worn off. Now I’m just being pulled under by the endlessness of the legalities and the stress and the seemingly bottomless anger and bitterness we have towards each other, that seems to be growing every day.

Does divorce always have to be like this? I feel like there must be couples out there who decide to end things and carry it out in a civil manner. Maybe it has to be more of a mutual decision in order for that to happen…

All I know is that I’m completely wiped out. We can’t even hold a semi-normal conversation without our counselor present. It’s like he’s finally realized that it’s truly over and has stopped asking me to reconsider, to give us a chance… and now the gloves are off. And boy, it really sucks when the gloves come off with someone who knows you this well. They know just how to really piss you off and screw you over.

It’s so exhausting to not only deal with the pressures of my final year of school, taking care of my daughter alone, and the financial stress of raising her without an income other than my student loans… but also emotionally to try to find some way of handling the death of this relationship that was supposed to be forever. Most of the time, I try not to stop and think about any of it, because if I do, I start to fall apart… but I can’t do that forever. At some point I am going to have to turn around and face the fact that my life has pretty much exploded in my face. I have my own therapist (separate from our couples counselor) to help me through it, but it’s so hard to make it work with my schedule when I have patients until 5pm and then I have to get to daycare.

On the days I can push it to the side and focus on what matters and the light at the end of the tunnel, I am happy. Other days, like today, I am huddled in the corner of the library with my headphones on, trying not to cry. I don’t know what I’ve done/ Or if I like what I’ve begun/ But something told me to run/ And honey you know me it’s all or none…

So much pressure from all directions, I feel like I am going to crack… why can’t we just both agree that we weren’t right for each other and walk away from this, relatively unscathed? I wonder if it ever works out that way. I kind of doubt that it does. I am starting to think that getting divorced is the only way to truly get to know the person that you married.

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  1. by Kristen

    On October 26, 2010 at 10:22 am

    The very last sentence you wrote illustrates that this is the right thing for you to do, no matter how painful it is right now.

  2. by Ashley T

    On October 27, 2010 at 10:44 am

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Someday (very soon) you'll be done school, the legal crap will be over and you'll be able to breath easier again and really start your new life. You're not going to drown because you've made the right decision. But I don't think I need to tell you that… you know it.Hang in there!!!!!

  3. by Jenifer

    On October 29, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Keep your head up and focus on your little one. She needs you. This will past it will just suck getting through it. Take care.

  4. by Anonymous

    On November 3, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Is Tyler giving you child support for your daughter?

  5. by Katie

    On November 12, 2010 at 3:05 am

    dont forget about us.

  6. by Julia

    On November 13, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Anonymous– yes, he is.Katie– I hadn't forgotten :) Just life gets in the way of posting sometimes. New post now, though!

  7. by Ashley

    On November 28, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    I really love your blog, and I think you are an amazingly strong person and a fantastic mother. I have been following your blog for a while now, but this post really made me want to tell you how wonderful you are!