Empty

Tyler moved out tonight.

I’m sitting here on my empty living room floor, shaking a little bit. Tonight is hard. Better times are coming, but tonight is really hard.

Things have gotten messier recently. I don’t want to discuss it on the internet, really, but I guess I should have known these things can’t stay too uncomplicated. I am taking his child, basically. He’s losing his baby because I was unhappy. I was naive to think he wouldn’t fight back and get angry.

This was my decision. So why am I so incredibly, indescribably sad? I mean, I guess it’s the little things that aren’t really so little. Like the lack of furniture in my living room. It feels so empty. The pictures missing from the walls. The fact that only half my dishes are sitting in my kitchen cabinets. And then it’s the big things that are really, really big. Like the fact that I promised to love him and be with him forever and I’m breaking that promise, like the fact that marriage is supposed to be for better or worse and I’m cutting and running, like the fact that we have a child and I am taking her from her father because I was just too unhappy to keep pretending. Part of me hates myself for doing this, he definitely hates me for doing this, and I wonder if she will hate me one day too.

But I can’t… I can’t just let it slide. I can’t go back. I can’t fake it, or just push through, or ignore the fact that I was just as lonely when he was home as I was when he was away. I can’t live that life anymore. Not for anyone. I’d be doing everyone more harm than good. And the subject of divorce would continue to come up over and over until this same exact thing happened, so I might as well get on with it while she is too young to remember the fights and the yelling and the bitterness and the boxes of books and sheets and cookware… and the empty living room…

I know I’m doing the right thing. But sitting here on the floor of this empty room, my doubts creep in and that’s why I’m shaking a little. I should call someone to come over. I have plenty of friends who would. But right now I guess I just feel like being alone. In this empty room.

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  1. by Merks

    On October 1, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    I love you.

  2. by Anonymous

    On October 1, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    I cannot agree with this. He still loves you. He loves your daughter. Tough it out. If its bad for another year, then pull out. I think you will come to regret this later. It seems that vows mean nothing these days

  3. by Merks

    On October 1, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Anon, it seems you don't have the full picture because if you did you would get your self righteous ass off whatever high horse you're on. And who asked you to agree with it anyway? She's not asking for your approval. Believe me, no one wants nor needs your approval. So go live your sad little life.

  4. by NancyandMark

    On October 1, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Oh Julia!! My heart breaks for you, Tyler and Caroline. Over time things will get better, I'm sure of that. Just take one day at a time and stay strong. And know that we are always hear to listen whenever you need us. Thinking of you!

  5. by lena

    On October 2, 2010 at 4:06 am

    It's hard and it sucks and of course you're sad. But you said it yourself, you know your doing the right thing. Everyone deserves to be happy, even if that means breaking a promise. Stay strong!

  6. by Bex

    On October 2, 2010 at 7:13 am

    It is good that you feel this heaviness and heartache in a way, because it shows that you take your vows seriously, that this decision isn't just some frivolous choice you made because you couldn't be bothered. It's so much more than that, it's about self-preservation, and no vow is worth giving up on yourself and your right to be happy, especially as young as you are. There will always be people like Anonymous who will judge you, but you just can't let yourself listen. And there are plenty of us out there who understand.

  7. by Erin

    On October 2, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Julia, my heart breaks for you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Keep your head up high, and you are right, happier times WILL come!

  8. by MJS

    On October 2, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Remember that marriage vows go both ways, and this is not solely either of your "faults". Remember it is also breaking a vow to effectively detach from your wife. It's not fair, and not any less to "blame" than finalizing what was already unofficially in effect by calling it quits. It's especially not just (or even more) your fault just because you are the one who acknowledged that this wasn't working, and made a positive change going forward. I hope you can find a way to not think of this in terms of you being the one who "caused" all of this. I keep putting those words in quotes because talking about "fault" and "blame" is simply not productive. This marriage is not working, and that is OK to admit and do something about. What is productive is what you are doing.It feels awful now, but you will amaze yourself (and Caroline) as time goes along. Julia, I had a lovely single mom (and a really a sweet dad too) and I don't blame either of them for ending their marriage. They still loved me to no end, and I'm a very happy and successful adult. Childhoods are both difficult and wonderful no matter what. Regardless of parents being divorced or married (or remarried). I know you can't NOT worry about this now, but like you said, it really does turn out better growing up in two happier homes rather than one home full of strife. There is no "ideal" out there that you guys will be depriving Caroline of. She will be loved and cared for no matter what, and that's what matters to a kid. …but of course, you already know that. :) You know what is right, and we love and support you always. Lots of love to you. Hang in there, Julia.

  9. by Gianni

    On October 2, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    :( Hang in there. My heart hurts for you. I've got you and your baby girl in my prayers.

  10. by Una giovane signora

    On October 2, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I've only recently come upon your blog, and while I've never been in your position, I can certainly understand some of your pain.As a child of multiple divorces (my parents are each divorced twice), my heart breaks for your family. Divorce is never simple, or easy, but sometimes it is for the best.Perhaps if Tyler really wanted it to work, he would have worked harder to keep you both in his life. Good luck and stay strong!

  11. by Samantha

    On October 4, 2010 at 2:43 am

    Julia – I can't say that I understand the pain and loneliness that you are feeling, but what I can tell you is how it is growing up with divorced parents. I was older than Caroline when my parents separated, but only by a few years. I was 4, and it took until I was 7 for the divorce to be finalized. I don't really remember them being married (just a few specific events), and I remember a few events from during the divorce. However, knowing each of them like I do I am greatfull that my mom choose to leave my dad. They are both great people separately, but together not so much. There were times that it sucked having divorced parents, but it was also "normal" for me. I was lucky in the fact that my mom made sure not to bad mouth about my dad in front of me and he usually did the same. She also made sure that I saw him when ever I wanted to as we lived close enough for me to do so. I hope that the days start to get easier for you, and before you know it you will have filled your house with new pictures and new memories. -Samantha :)

  12. by Stefani

    On October 4, 2010 at 11:05 am

    There really aren't words…. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. If this is the right decision for you, then you have to do it, no matter how painful it is right now. We all get one life, we can't spend it faking happiness to appease someone else. Hang in there… ::hugs::

  13. by Anonymous

    On October 4, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    I dont agree with this either. Its very sad, a child should never been taken away from a parent. Especially a loving parent.

  14. by PharmDmomma

    On October 4, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Julia, this is not your fault. YOU are not the one taking his child away. You're staying where you've always been. He is the one that has been traveling, and making you and Caro take the backseat. He has no right to be angry at anyone but himself.

  15. by Anonymous

    On October 4, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Thinking of you and hoping there are brighter and happier days ahead.

  16. by SpringPeeper

    On October 4, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know what is best for you and your daughter. You will make it through this. Big HUGS!<3 SP

  17. by Jennifer

    On October 4, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    If you ever need someone to talk to who has been there/done that – don't hesitate to email me!

  18. by Jessie

    On October 4, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Julia. Just know that you and Caro are in the thoughts and prayers of many. You need to do what is right for you and your daughter. I really don't think you are taking him away from him. He'll work it out to see her if he really wants to. That's not your burden to carry. I hope that you can start healing soon.

  19. by Gramy

    On October 4, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Thinking of you Julia and little Caro. She's so gorgeous. You are doing the right thing. There will be tough moments ahead, no doubt, but I swear to you, you will look back on these days and be proud of yourself for staying true to your heart. Good luck, love.

  20. by KatieH

    On October 4, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Don't ever doubt yourself because you are doing what is right for you and Caro. :)

  21. by Katie

    On October 4, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    I'm sorry you are going through this.My exFi recently seperated and it hard when he moved out. Despite it being your decision, every step is hard and you end up feeling empty.Just know that there's a lot of great girl's out here that are rooting for you.You aren't taking his daughter away, don't let him guilt trip you, he's still a parent. You aren't obligated to be unhappy forever because you have a child together, life doesn't work that way. You might of been the one to get the ball rolling, but don't forget that there are more vows than being together forever and he hasn't always lived up to all of them. I'm moving with my son overseas for a year, it's not going to be easy for his father, but we'll work something out. He's going to have to also be proactive as a father. I wish you happiness, you and C deserve it!

  22. by Lulu

    On October 4, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Julia, I am so sorry you are going through this. But you have to do what you feel is right for you. Caro will be much better off with two parents who are HAPPY, whether or not they're together. You need to take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.

  23. by Hope

    On October 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    My heart is aching for you tonight. I have been around since the beginning of your pregnancy, and laughed/cried when you did. I know this journey has not been an easy one by any means. I pray that you find strength for you and for your daughter. I know you will pull through this. And you know we are always here for you. (((hugs)))

  24. by kpg

    On October 4, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Julia, I can totally understand where you are coming from. I think it is best to divorce rather then keep a child in an unhappy home. You will be in my T&P; throughout this hard journey. I have to say you are one strong woman!

  25. by Lisa

    On October 4, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You are a strong woman and you are doing what is best for you and Caro. Hugs and love!

  26. by Erin

    On October 4, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    A friend with parents who divorced when we were in college once said something that stuck with me; it is better to be from a broken home than living in one. I hope you and Caro are finding peace in this time. I'm thinking about you, mama!

  27. by edmo

    On October 6, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    Loneliness sucks, but I bet it sucks even more when someone is sitting right next to you and you still feel that way. It is awful that your husband is losing everyday time with his daughter, I cannot even imagine that feeling or having to live apart from my boys, at the same time he's been there and gone with work often so that's not a new thing. "This Too Shall Pass"

  28. by Becca

    On October 7, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    I'm so sorry. :( My heart hurts for you Julia but if you're not in a fulfilling marriage, you have to do what makes you happy. Big hugs & I'm here if you ever need a listening ear.

  29. by Hannah

    On October 8, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    your happiness is your child's happiness, really.one day when caroline is older let her know that all parents have a love story of their own (ups and downs) and it doesn't always work out. but the wonderful result your union was her.