I Think I Need to Clarify
First of all, thank you all so much for your comments, emails, and Facebook messages. I really am overwhelmed by how many people care about what I’m going through. Even after me only updating sporadically here and not posting anymore at all on the bump boards/MM. Honestly… I can’t say how much it means to me to know that people are wishing good things for me and for Caroline. Even people we don’t know in real life at all.
But I need to expand a little on my last post, I think. Yes, we are getting divorced. The word itself still sounds ugly and horrible to me. But this decision is 100% mine and I am about 90% happy with it at this point. (Our counselor asked me what the other 10% was and I hesitated and finally said “guilt” and she looked at me like she knew that I was done.) It feels like… relief. And hope. And lots of sadness, too, but… mostly I am looking forward because I am tired of feeling like I am only going to live my life halfway happy.
The awful parts: how devastated he is. The guilt trips. The knowledge that I am denying him a full relationship with his child (he’s going to live across the country from us… how can they really ever be close?). The worry that I’m not doing what’s best for her… that I’m being selfish. Feeling like I could die when I see him hug her and cry…
The good parts: the relief of having made the decision. Knowing deep down that this is the right thing. Caring for her alone without feeling that awful, all-consuming resentment about the fact that she and I will always come in second or third after his career. Hoping that someday I will find someone who is able to give me what I need… that better times are coming. Taking charge of this life that seemed like it was completely derailed by those two lines and this beautiful child while his continued all but undisturbed.
I can’t stay with someone just because I feel bad for them. I can’t keep faking it. This is going to happen at some point and I may as well follow through before things are much more complicated… before we have a house, real jobs, money, more children. Do I split up our family now, or in ten years? The move to Denver that has been looming is really what forced the issue. It was like, do I move forward with this? Do I pack up my life and leave all my family and friends, find a job out there, have more children with him, buy a house with him? Or do I just… not?
I choose not.
I know this is the right thing. I know it because he hasn’t lived here for three weeks or more, and I feel… at peace. Relieved. Happy. Not that I don’t care about him or wish him well. He is a good person who deserves more than someone who is always looking over her shoulder for a different life.
Please don’t feel sorry for me. Well, if you want, you can feel sorry for the messiness and sadness and legalness of it all… because that part really is terrible. But I’m making the hard choice that I feel is the right one.
Thank you again for all of your support. Really. I am tearing up just typing this.
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