Shock

Okay, first of all, if you’re trying to have a baby and having trouble conceiving, please do not read this.

I posted a few hours ago that my period was late and I was going to get a pregnancy test. I saw a faint line and MandyEworth told me that meant it was positive (I am stupid about these things and thought maybe it was negative since it was lighter than the control line). I feel numb. I don’t know what to think. Okay, yes I do know what to think. What the hell?!?!?!? How could this have happened?? I have ovarian cysts, my gynecologist told me I would most likely need drugs to help me conceive when it came time for that. I saw my ovaries on ultrasound, they look like Swiss cheese. How in the heck does that work?!? I feel sort of betrayed, even though it’s not like we just took that to mean we could do whatever we wanted and not use birth control. We use FAM and condoms (and according to my chart, I ovulated a week after we last had unprotected sex– so what the heck happened there??).

I am panicking. My husband is going to freak out. How are we going to get through school?? I’ve put us so far in debt trying to be a dentist, and now this happens. Now is not the time. We can’t afford a child. My hands are shaking.

How am I ever going to get any of the doctors in clinic to respect me? How am I going to earn their respect if what they will see as evidence of my carelessness is sticking right out under their noses?? What are all my classmates going to think? Nobody (at least, no woman) has a child during dental school. It’s just not something you do.

Worst of all, we just aren’t emotionally ready for a child. We aren’t ready to give up our lifestyle. We aren’t ready to be that selfless. Tyler is going to be so upset, I have no idea how I’m going to tell him. He’s not even here, and I won’t see him until the end of July. I’m going to have to tell him over the phone. Ohmygod. I can’t believe this.

The test instructions said that if the line was faint, I should take another one first thing in the morning. I got this digital test that tells you “pregnant” or “not pregnant” and I’m going to use it in the morning so I don’t have to mess around with terrifying ghostly lines.

Please, someone out there who this has happened to, tell me this is going to be okay.

Update: couldn’t wait. Had to know. Holy fucking shit.

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  1. by Evie; aka Momma

    On March 14, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    I know this is really old but I would just like you to know you aren’t alone in how you felt. I am just starting to read your blog (figured I would start at the beginning); I am on poster on THE BUMP as well and saw your link in your siggy.I was the exact same way as you when I found out. I cried hysterically and kept saying “I can’t be pregnant, I don’t know how to be a mom, I JUST decided I didn’t think I wanted kids”. Its a scary life chaning thing and I just thought you’d like to know you weren’t alone.

  2. by JEN

    On July 13, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    JUST READ THRU YOUR ENTIRE BLOG. EVERY ENTRY. I HAVE TO SAY THAT YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB AND YOUR DAUGHTER IS GORGEOUS. I WAS MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS WHEN I BECAME PREGNANT – UNPLANNED. I CRIED AND WAS SCARED TO DEATH. I TOO FELT LOCKED INTO A MARRIAGE THAT I HAD ALREADY KNOWN IN MY HEART WASNT GOING TO LAST. I ENDED FILING FOR DIVORCE WHEN MY SON (NOW 12) WAS JUST A FEW MONTHS OLD. MY EX-HUSBAND FOUGHT THE DIVORCE FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF BEFORE IT WAS FINALLY GRANTED. I AM NOW 35 YEARS OLD, SINGLE AND FIND MYSELF PREGNANT AGAIN…MY REACTION – I IMMEDIATELY STARTED CRYING, OUT OF SADNESS. THIS TOO IS UNPLANNED. I HAVE FOUND IN LIFE THAT SOME OF THE GREATEST BLESSINGS – COME AS A SURPRISE.
    GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!

  3. by Alison

    On July 18, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Wow, I had a very similar situation and felt almost the exact same way when I found out I was pregnant! I also found out in late June of ’08, which was the summer before I was to begin my Master’s program in speech-language pathology. I too was scared to tell my husband and was basically in shock. All I kept thinking was, how am I going to get through school?!? The first pregnancy test I took had a line that was very ambiguous and seemed to show a positive result, but I didn’t believe it until I saw the word PREGNANT on the digital test! I had previously been diagnosed with poly cystic ovary syndrome and also thought it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. After three very intense years, I graduated in May and will be starting work in a few weeks. It’s cool to hear a similar story! I am really enjoying your blog! : )