A Tough Love Moment In Autism Parenting

This is a post in the weekly Autism Hopes series by Lisa Quinones-Fontanez, a mom who blogs  over at Atypical Familia.

The other day my friend was over when my 8-year-old son Norrin walked in and asked to use the iPad. I knew he had a mess in his room. I had spent the last hour asking him to clean up. There were sheets of paper and crayons all on the floor. I told him that if he wanted the iPad, he needed to clean his room. And that’s when he started to cry.

“I’ll help you Norrin,” my friend offered, starting to get up from the sofa.

“No. He needs to do it himself. He knows how.” I said.

Norrin kept crying and asking for the iPad. I kept saying, “No. Not until you clean your room.”

I could tell my friend was getting upset. She has a soft spot for Norrin. If it were up to her, she would have given him the iPad and picked up every single piece of paper and crayon herself. But I just kept talking, enjoying my visit with her.

I don’t like seeing Norrin cry (I hate every single second of it). And I certainly don’t like being the cause of his tears (makes me feel like the worst mother in the world). But I can’t give in every time he gets upset. He has to understand the meaning of “no.”

Was it easier to go in and help him clean? Or just let him leave his room a mess and give him iPad anyway? Of course it was. But how would he benefit from that? If Norrin was a typical kid, I wouldn’t allow the same behavior. I can’t expect Norrin to become independent, if I help him every time he cries for something.

I wasn’t asking Norrin to do anything I knew he couldn’t do himself. He knows how to pick up paper and throw them away in the garbage. He knows how to pick up crayons and put them back in the box. Norrin’s tears had nothing to do with autism. It was about him not wanting to clean his room.

So I let him cry. And as upsetting as it was, I knew Norrin wasn’t in any physical pain or in danger of hurting himself. Eventually he cleaned up his room and when he was done, I gave him the iPad.

It’s called tough love for a reason. It’s tough on kids and tougher on parents. But I know that my little moments of tough love special needs parenting will teach Norrin about independence and responsibility.

Catch up with last weeks post: 5 Tips for Traveling By Plane with Your Special Needs Child

From my other blog:

 

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