Monday, February 23rd, 2015
I can’t stop thinking about the inspiring talk I heard recently by Robin Berman, M.D., author of the book Permission to Parent: How to Raise Your Child With Love and Limits. One of the most challenging parts of parenthood, she said, is being an emotional grown-up.
It’s hard enough to deal with all the practical and financial aspects of adulthood. But when you’re tired or stressed or frustrated, it can take a lot of self-control not to have your own meltdown. Or to say something critical or sarcastic or insensitive that you’ll regret later.
Of course, the opposite of acting like a grown-up is acting like a child. While it’s perfectly normal for a little kid to be moody and self-centered and out-of-control sometimes, it’s our job as parents to put our own needs and issues aside and focus on what’s best for our kids. That doesn’t mean we should be selfless or indulge their every whim, but we have to be mature enough to take the high road, to think before we speak, and to not expect our kids to make us feel better.
I’m sure you can tell plenty of stories about other parents you know who’ve taken the low road. However, we all have moments when we’d like a Mommy do-over.
Just one of my own examples: My 10-year-old has been having nightmares lately, and she’s been calling for me repeatedly through the night. She gets truly frightened, and I have to sit with her and help her do breathing exercises and visualize happy scenes instead of scary ones. But we’ve both been losing a lot of sleep. There have been nights when I’ve seemed angry about being woken up (again), and I hate that. So I’ve apologized. The nightmares aren’t her fault. I want her to know that I have faith that she will get through this rocky patch and that I’m here to support her.
“No parent ever gets it right the first time…parenting is the ultimate in on-the-job training,” writes Dr. Berman. “Lucky for us, kids are very forgiving. “
Here are some other quotes that have stuck with me:
“Parenting is a divine invitation to be your best self.”
“You wouldn’t cough on your child without covering your mouth. So make sure your unresolved issues don’t infect your children.”
“If you feel your control or patience waning, remind yourself of the role you want to be remembered for: hero, not villain; protector, not persecutor.”
“Why is it we pay more attention to recharging our smartphones than to recharging ourselves? If we were smart, we’d pay attention when our battery light started flashing ‘low.’”
“No matter what difficulties you run into with your children, keep imagining them at their best. Believing things will get better gives you both something to hold on to until they do.”
Dr. Berman is the newest member of our expert Board of Advisors, and you’ll be hearing more of her voice in our pages. Treat yourself to a copy of her book.
Diane Debrovner is the deputy editor of Parents and the mother of two daughters.
Photo of mom and daughter with painted faces via Shutterstock
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Big Kids, Child Development, Health, Parenting, The Parents Perspective, Toddlers
Monday, September 30th, 2013
My children, who are in kindergarten and third grade, were born at the very end of the summer, so their annual well visits always dovetail nicely with back-to-school checkups. But because I was late to book their appointments this year, and because Saturday-morning slots are hard to come by, we have to wait until mid-October to see the pediatrician. I definitely know two topics I want to bring up. Is my younger daughter’s constant “What?”s just a habit she’s gotten into, or is anything wrong with her hearing? (She seems to hear me fine when she’s in the way-back seat of our car and I’m whispering something to my husband that I’d rather my kids not hear…) And is my older daughter’s vision okay, even if she puts on my glasses and says she sees “much better”? (I only question it because she freely admits she prefers how she looks with glasses.)
I really wish I could’ve had these matters resolved before school started. In our September issue we ran a story called “Is Your Child Ready to Learn?” that thoroughly outlined all of the ways that a child’s health and ability to learn are entwined. The story was a part of a partnership we have with a wonderful organization, Children’s Health Fund, which is dedicated to providing top-quality healthcare to children who don’t have access to it. The experts at CHF gave us a list of the most crucial questions every parent should ask–and bring up with the pediatrician if there’s any concern.
1. How well can my child see? I was really surprised to learn that between 5 and 10 percent of preschoolers and 25 percent of school-age children have a vision problem, according to the American Optometric Association. But less than a third of children have their vision tested before they start school. By age 4, your child should be screened annually. Definitely mention it to your doctor if you notice that your child holds books really close to his face or sits super close to the TV or computer screen or squints even when the light isn’t bright.
2. Could she have a hearing problem? Children who’ve gotten frequent ear infections are especially vulnerable to temporary hearing loss, which can last three months or longer. As with vision screens, your child should be checked each year starting by age 4 at latest. If your child has any kind of speech delay, or if she seems to ignore you when you call her name, or turns the volume way up, or says her ears hurt or that she hears noises, these are all red flags worthy of your doctor’s attention.
3. Is he overly stressed? You may not think to bring up issues like anxiety with your pediatrician, especially in the course of a typical 15-minute checkup. But your doctor needs to know if there’s anything worrying you about your child’s mental health. Perhaps you’re not even sure if your child’s stressed. Some possible physical signs are frequent headaches, stomachaches, nail biting, hair-pulling, and bedwetting.
4. What does she eat? Not surprisingly, children who don’t get enough to eat are at high risk for poor school performance, since they’re just too distracted by their hunger to concentrate well. But children who are overweight or obese (which is a third of all kids in this country) are also at risk because if they don’t get proper nutrition, their brain simply won’t function the way it should. Even a child with no weight or hunger issues can be affected by poor nutrition if she doesn’t get enough fruits or veggies or if she refuses to eat entire food groups. If you suspect your child’s diet isn’t adequate, tell your doctor so you can work together on strategies to improve it.
5. How’s he sleeping? It’s no shock that there’s a direct link between how much sleep a child gets and how well he does in school. Research has proven that sleep-deprived kids have more behavior problems: They’re easily distracted, often argumentative, frequently overactive (a way to help them stay awake), and may be misdiagnosed with ADHD. Tell your pediatrician if your 5- to 11-year-old doesn’t get at least 10 hours of sleep each night, or if you notice any other red flags, including snoring, restless sleep with sweating, or mouth breathing.
6. Could she have asthma? This is the most common chronic disease in childhood and often develops before a child turns 5. One misconception about asthma is that it causes a child to wheeze. That’s not always true. For many kids, the only symptom is a chronic cough–either at night, or when the weather is cold, or as a result of exercise. Let your doctor know if you notice any of these signs, particularly if there’s a family history of asthma or if your child had eczema as a baby (which is often a sign that asthma will come later).
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