Thursday, October 16th, 2014
We all know that bullying can start at frighteningly young ages—the behaviors can show up as early as preschool. But even little kids can be taught lessons that help prevent the problem from getting worse, says Ingrid Donato, the co-lead in bullying prevention at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): “The preschool age is so incredibly pivotal.”
It’s crucial to spot what Donato calls “pre-bullying behavior”—actions like grabbing toys away, pushing kids, or isolating them from group play. While this isn’t technically bullying (which is defined by StopBullying.gov as an imbalance of power, whether physical, emotional, or social, exerted repeatedly) these behaviors need to be stopped early on.
For example, if you have an overly aggressive child, it’s important to intervene when hisactions are harmful, and explain why the behavior is unacceptable. Then come up with solutions—like steering him toward high-octane activities to burn off extra energy. If your child is on the receiving end of bullying behaviors, Donato suggests arranging for her to spend time with a more confident child, who can act as a role model.
But strategies aren’t always enough. To help parents deal with these situations, and just in time for Bullying Prevention Awareness Month, SAMHSA has released KnowBullying, an app for iPhone and Android that provides parents, educators, and caregivers with information on how to effectively communicate about bullying with kids. “We were finding out from the research that kids were reluctant to talk to adults about bullying,” Donato explains. “One of the reasons was they weren’t confident that the adults would know what to do. And when we talked to parents, we learned they were very nervous about talking with their kids because they didn’t know what to say.”
The app has conversation starters to discuss bullying with kids, broken down by age. Suggestions for ages 3 to 6 include: “Share one thing that happened today,” “What makes you angry? What do you do when you’re angry?” or “What rules do you follow at school? Why?” These questions don’t deal directly with bullying, but they do help children talk about situations that could progress to bullying.
“We found one of the most powerful ways to reduce the effects of bullying as kids get older—as well as many other negative things that could happen—was to have supportive, regular, engaging conversations with an adult,” Donato says. That may seems like a small step, but it’s an important one that KnowBullying hopes to inspire parents everywhere to take.
Image courtesy of SAMHSA.
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Thursday, October 31st, 2013
National Bullying Prevention Month wasn’t around when I was a kid. And no one called what happened to me bullying back then—when a “friend” started talking about me behind my back and actively excluding me from our group of friends. The kind of bullying that girls tend to engage in—emotional bullying—was just something you were meant to suffer through in silence, until graduation got you (hopefully) out of harm’s way.
Back then, schools often looked the other way on physical bullying, too. When my brother repeatedly came home with cuts and bruises from being shoved and punched, the school’s vice principal told my mother that my brother needed to just punch back. And when my mother asked, incredulous, if the vice principal was actually encouraging physical violence in his school, he simply shrugged. (That’s when my parents made the decision to move to a different town to keep my brother safe.)
But what no one really talks about is the lasting damage bullying can do, long after the cuts have healed and the remarks have cleared the air. I can feel its shadow in my friendships even now, more than 20 years after I last saw my bully. (Which makes me wonder how kids today manage to keep going, when the insults and nastiness are captured forever on the internet.) I catch myself worrying when a friend turns down an invite and analyzing what was said when we get together—even though I know that the friends I have now are true friends, and that the days of bullying are over for me.
Except that it isn’t entirely, because I have to shepherd my own children through it. I’ve worked with my kids on strategies for fighting bullies, and stressed that our kids should try to befriend the kids who are being picked on, and develop empathy for everyone in their class (even the bullies). And they learn these social skills in a weekly class with their guidance counselor, now mandated by our state.
But that clearly isn’t quite enough. The boys in my daughter’s class recently started making trouble with her, mocking her with racially-tinted taunts. I’m fortunate that the school has taken it very seriously—the principal, the guidance counselor and the teacher are all working together to keep it from happening. But even then, they have to walk a fine line, as calling the kids out on it directly may just lead to more anguish for my daughter. The bullies never like a tattletale.
I know that a lot of bullying comes from the parents themselves. My brother created a documentary about bullying, and went back to our old neighborhood to interview some of his former tormentors. (A few of them, it turns out, were in jail.) One of them said that he bullied my brother because he was envious of what he had: a stable home, loving parents, and a promising future. And in retrospect, I can see how my bully’s mother may have influenced her decision to treat me that way. My only hope is that I can teach my kids to be kind, so that they don’t inflict this pain on other kids—and give enough strength to deal with the kids whose parents won’t.
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