Posts Tagged ‘ pregnant pipe dreams ’

Gift Guide: Your Pregnant Friend Who Always Has Crumbs on her Belly and a Little Plumber’s Crack Action Because Her Shirts are Too Short and Her Pants Refuse to Stay Up

Monday, December 10th, 2012

‘Tis the season for gift guides. I solicited a few ideas from my nearest and dearest preggos and received two retaining water thumbs up at the list below. To ensure gift giving success and cause the pregnant in your life to give a jolly heel kick (if she were in any condition to do so) read on.

1. Pants that stay up and don’t show yo booty. I’m not sure who decided maternity pants rely on a thin layer of spandex to contain a watermelon sized gut, but I shake in my boots for the day when my belly shows the spandex who’s boss by ripping clean through it after one indulgent meal. If you find these mythical maternity pants let me know. Everyone in my life would thank you for it.

Don’t even get me started on “the never stays in place” belly band that requires constant tugging and pulling to stop the public from the imminent danger of a full moon.

2. An endless supply of cozy, cute, slip-on shoes. There’s a point when seeing how far you can bend over isn’t a funny party trick anymore, it’s just not plausible. For this purpose alone the slip-on has been invented. Get those swollen feet into some TOMS or better yet, some sex-ay cheetah print house slippers.

3. Accessories (totally separate from shoes people). If you peruse maternity wear, 1% is actual clothing, the rest accessories. Apparently, when you’ve reached Bulgy the Whale stage, all one can do is accessorize the crap out of that bump. A pregnant lady deserves to feel did up by rocking the rhinestones with her food stains.

4. A house cleaner. Whether you take on the noble task yourself or hire out, let the pregnant lounge around the house while someone else conquers the dust bunnies. I’d save this invaluable gift for the third trimester when again, bending over is not an option and your pregnant completely understands the sentiment when Disney’s Gaston belts out, “I’m roughly the size of a barge!”

5. Gift cards for clothes. The maternity wardrobe constantly needs updating due to the ever-changing bod. Sadly, there’s no one-size-fits-all for the food baby stage, the beer belly stage, the basketball under the shirt stage, the slowly shrinking uterus stage, and nursing boobs the size of your face stage. Help your preggo feel beautiful through each stage with gift cards as she still loves clothes, they just may not love her back yet.

6. An intravenous line of food. Maybe it’s a pregnant pipe dream, but sometimes getting off the couch to scrounge for food is just too much. Let the craving of choice flow freely by cutting out the middle man (i.e. movement of any kind).

7. A napper. Put your pregnant to bed. This is the best advice I can give. It thwarts hormones and makes the world seem rosy again. If she’s got kids already, this gift is of supreme importance. Come over and take her littles to the park and refuse to bring them back until she’s slept for at least 2 hours. Kidnapping for the sake of bestowing a pregnant with a nap is a-okay in my book.

8. A massage. I’ve never had one while pregnant but my pregnant people swear by them. As one friend put it, it was worth every handsome penny she paid the sweet soul who worked her zebra-esque stomach and expanding J-Lo booty.

9. Tummy time. The luxury of belly sleep is kissed goodbye during pregnancy. I’d sell many a body part on the black market for one night of some sweet tummy sleep lovin’. The mattress to make this dream come true exists. I think it’s still in the early stages of production, but I believe in science. Maybe next Christmas it will be as popular as that dang Elf on the Shelf.

10. Mechanical claw or grappling hook. This may not seem thoughtful at first but the inability to bend over and pick things up can be a real downer. I frighten small children everywhere with my hog in heat grunts as I attempt not to burst from bending over. Now this idea would be a real winner if the hook could support the weight of my 2 1/2 year-old. It would solve all sorts of predicaments. It would be like gifting world peace.

Image: Plumber’s Crack via Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock.com

Image: Cleaning Supplies via Africa Studio/Shutterstock.com

Image: Prenatal Massage via Leah-Anne Thompson/Shutterstock.com

Image: Mechanical Claw via PHOTO FUN/Shutterstock.com

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