Posts Tagged ‘
perks of pregnancy ’
Wednesday, January 9th, 2013
35 weeks/8 months (Basically, super pregnant)
I’d like to start one.
I submit the belly photo bomb to be the latest pregnancy trend. Forget gender reveal or ultrasound parties, let’s make that gargantuan, gawkable, lovable specimen of a belly the real star!
For those new to the bombing ways in general, the photo bomb is basically the art of ruining another person’s perfectly good picture with one’s mug (mean, silly or otherwise) in the background.
Therefore, the belly photo bomb is using the belly to ruin, or rather I’d say enhance someone’s picture. I discovered this secret skill of the pregnant belly the other day as I was taking extremely awkward baby bump pictures. (No matter how hard I wish it weren’t so, I’m the most unnatural person in front of the camera. Let’s just say, it’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face).
Enter the belly photo bomb. With my large margeness splendor of a belly, there’s no reason why my face needs to be in a picture from here on out. Instead, I’m committing to and asking all the pregnant ladies, all the pregnant ladies to sidle up to someone, stick it out, and work it CoverGirl. Bomb those photos.
I know my sister appreciated the sisterly closesness that is forced awkwardness as I realized our height ratio to my bump proportion fit perfectly under her chest when nestled in juuuust right. Awkward photo perfection. I knew this belly was destined for greatness.
Sure, sure we all know the regular party tricks of using the belly as a table to hold food or watching it shred a blouse (oh wait, just me? not on purpose, more in denial of its largeness). I’m ready to own my business in the front and take it to the next level by photo bombing my way through the last 5 weeks of pregnancy. Yes, 5 people! It took me longer to realize that I was pregnant than it will for me to be holding a new baby bundle of joy. Insert girlish hormonal squeal of excitement!
I’m warning the Internets now, the incessant need to document life is no longer safe from this belly. When you’re getting ready to Instagram your froyo, your new shoes, or your morning cup of jo, (link is funny but I give it a parental warning) my belly might just make a photo bomb appearance. No one is safe.
It’s time to have a little fun with the big ol’ belly to make it through these last few weeks of the mind game that is the waiting game.
#bellyphotobomb I won’t stop till it’s trending!
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Tuesday, December 4th, 2012
My #1 Christmas wish has been granted by Santa: Pregnant with a royal. As a celebrity news enthusiast, I consider this a Christmas miracle. My theory is it makes my baby royal by association, or at least increases her gestational cred (kind of like street cred) by being born in the same year as a royal.
I may have peed my pants with excitement (and in the spirit of pregnant lady solidarity) when I heard news of the royal baby. I figure this brings me one step closer to being Kate’s girl for life. There is nothing so unifying as the crazy miracle of growing a babe.
The happy stories, the horror stories, it brings ladies together. Kate, why can’t we be friends? Let’s share maternity clothes and rub each other’s feet, no? Restraining order, yes.
Really, I give a sincere congratulations to mah girl (I’m taking liberties here) Kate and his handsomeness, Will, on the baby heard round the world, his or her future royal highness.
The royal Palace officially confirmed her pregnancy yesterday, after Kate checked into the hospital for acute morning sickness. Please, it’s not severe morning sickness, it’s royal Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Everything sounds classier through an official Palace statement. And by me adding the word royal.
I knock on wood that it doesn’t happen to her, but when the Palace confirms her royal lack of bladder control and releases her royal dilation, it will all just sound a bit dreamier.
This Christmas, I’ve got visions of royal maternity fashion, royal baby names and royal onesies dancing in my head.
Some may think all the fanfare silly, but I think it grand. While I’m sure there will be plenty of nosiness surrounding the baby, I believe most of it is out of sheer joy. There is something about babies that just makes people ridiculously happy.
Regardless of blood, all babies harbor a bit of royalty in their angelic little innocence and chubbiness. The royal baby, along with all babies, deserve some speculating, dreaming, and congratulating.
I don’t live in a palace but my official homestead report to the couple declares, “My deepest regrets on the royal morning sickness, but my sincerest cheers on this amazing experience. Parenthood is the absolute best.”
Image: Her pregnant foxiness, Princess Catherine, and Prince William, via Featureflash/Shutterstock.com
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Wednesday, November 21st, 2012
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because unlike Christmas, the food is center stage and isn’t encumbered with gift opening, which takes away from precious time spent eating.
Just when I thought I couldn’t love T-day anymore, I realized that it was made for the pregnants and I fell even harder. As soon as holiday and human marriages are approved, Thanksgiving and I are finding the nearest courthouse. I could write a dissertation on my deep and abiding love for turkey day. I’ll spare you, but I will share why when I’m asked what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving, between the mouthfuls of beautiful carbs I’ll be shoveling into my face, I’ll reply, “being pregnant on Thanksgiving.”
Stretchy pants. Seeing as they are already part of my everyday ensemble, I don’t have to waste time packing a change of post meal sweats (pregnant or not, please tell me you do this too?) since the in-laws graciously host us. Can I get an amen?
The gut. Being pregnant means I have the blessed joy of no longer pretending to suck in the gut post meals. I can unabashedly let it hang out, into my expando pants, testing the limits of their elasticity and if they were worth the $12 bargain I paid for them. A side of science with mealtime? A win-win.
Stuffing my face. Listen, it’s a lot of work turning food into a baby and Thanksgiving really gives me the edge I’ve been needing to reach my face stuffing, I mean baby growing potential.
If all goes according to plan, the anatomy of my T-day will look like this:
Post-gorging catnaps: 3
Blind eyes turned to my daughter’s sugar high shenanigans because I can’t get off the couch: 7
Pieces of pumpkin pie devoured: 3.5
Trips back to the smorgasbord: 5
Pounds of mashed potatoes turned into a baby: 4
Vegetables avoided: 6
Times I’ll think I can’t eat another bite but I will anyway: 23
Gosh, Thanksgiving Eve is so much better than its counterpart Christmas Eve. Is it wrong to get goosebumps at the thought of the glorious spread of food that awaits me tomorrow? If it is, I don’t want to be right. Pregnancy has got my back this Thanksgiving with its absence of buttoned pants and expectations to control myself. I happily intend to eat like nobody’s watching.
To my pregnant friends and the butterballs in your belly, happy Thanksgiving!
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Wednesday, November 14th, 2012
The other night while perusing some literature, People Magazine, really academic stuff, I came across a spread of celebs baring their pregnant bellies in bikinis.
Let’s talk about the bikini and the belly. I know, I know, it seems like torture when the holiday that honors both the noun and the verb “stuffing” is right around the corner, but with plenty of people experiencing snow this week, and my home state of Arizona reaching a bone chilling 63 degrees, I thought we could dream about Kokomo. Don’t worry, we’ll get there fast and then we’ll take it slow.
Why is it that at times, women, myself included, feel the need to hide their pregnant body? It’s as if they think a mere glimpse of their shocking condition would scandalize others. Listen, teaching high school while pregnant, which I’ve done, will scandalize anyone enough to realize no matter how many muumuus and mom maternity jeans a lady wears, she’s not fooling those hot and bothered teenagers from knowing she’s done the deed.
They know where babies come from and they have a lot of questions or a lot of things to say when they think you’re not listening about you’re being knocked up. Being a pregnant teacher solidified for me that we’re over the days of hiding the bump from the masses. But are the masses ready for the bikini and the belly?
Please divulge, do you feel bold enough to bear all of your pregnant belly glory poolside? Did I miss the memo that all the ladies be doing it and nobody cares if your stretch marks be showing or your lady business be a little less than manicured? Is every pregnant lady confidently strutting her stuff on the beach while SISQO’s assault on the English language, the thong song blares from the boom box slung over her shoulder?
I’ve always been more on the bashful side when it comes to showcasing the nudie bump, not a picture exists (got to keep my future political career (ha) squeaky clean) but their bikini bumps made me question my previous choice. Sometimes the stars get it dastardly wrong, like this album of their painted bellies confirms, but in bikini v. belly, I think they got it right.
When I saw their bellies, tall, small, huge, it just seemed right. Logistically, it just makes sense. The last thing a lady wants when carrying around a sweet little space heater in her stomach is to wear more clothing. In fact, bikinis should be allowed as maternity street wear. Especially for those mamas doing el numero tres trimester in the summer. There’s a special place in heaven for them.
The pregnant bod is beautiful. It’s amazing. Daring to bare it in a itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini is a pregnancy must this go round. “You ain’t fat, you’re beautiful,” as the cinematic masterpiece Corrina Corrina teaches. Never are these wise words more applicable than during pregnancy. Celebs should not be the only ones showcasing their pregnant bods at the beach.
Girl, turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout, baby got belly!
Just kidding. But seriously.
Photo: Beautiful pregnant woman underwater blue pool relaxed, via Shutterstock
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Wednesday, October 31st, 2012
25 weeks/5 months
With today being All Hallow’s Eve, I thought I’d give a nod to my pregnant friends who must work a little extra pumpkin into their costumes than those sans baby belly. There are so many costume options for the pregnant posse. I mean do you go the humorous route, or couples costume it with up with your baby daddy, or pay homage to your kickin’ new curves with all the other sexy nurses out there? It’s the decision of 2012 I tell you. After years of careful
scrutinizing research at Halloween parties, I’d like to offer a few foolproof options when it comes to the ol’ preggers Halloween costume.
First, let’s talk sexy. In my heart of hearts, I believe Halloween belongs to the sexy. For starters, sexy _______(insert any noun, yes even alien works) is the most readily available option for costumes. This is all fine and good if you are sexy. But I have a long standing theory that I believe is attributed to Shakespeare, “Some are born sexy, some achieve sexy, some have sexy thrust upon them, and some just never have sexy going on. EVER.” (See Heidi Klum for further proof of this theory.)
I fall into the latter category. While it is believed “the sexy” can be taught, it is actually elusive to some of us. No matter how hard we try, we’ll always get our shirt stuck on our head mid heated clothes removal, or trip and fall over our own feet while trying to seductively shake what our mamas gave us. If you have never got your shirt caught on your head and you work the sexy even during pregnancy, I say you don your sexy nurse, cop, gnome, polar bear etc., costume with that belly, accentuate your growing decolletage, and own the fact that you are a sexy goddess of pregnancy.
If sexy ain’t yo thing, there’s always the creative costume that everyone wishes they would have thought of themselves. Oh, you creative types. You like the challenge of Halloween and you always accept. If Halloween were everyday, you’d win at life. You’re the Rumpelstiltskin of Halloween and can weave any ol’ straw of a costume idea into gold. You go as pregnant Barbie complete with homemade, kick-a barbie box, Mattel logo and accessories. If you use the ubiquitous “bun in the oven” theme you aren’t just satisfied with donning a chef’s hat and apron. Oh no, you’re sporting a clever and intricately detailed oven that basically looks like pottery barn for kids constructed it and I’d play with it if your pregnant belly wasn’t in my way. If creativity is your game, a pregnant Halloween is your dream come true.
Neither of the above categories describes you? Don’t fret, there’s a few options left.
There’s the “paint your pregnant belly any type of ball or circular object” category. Always a winner.
The growing in popularity “stick some baby limbs on that bump” for some zombie creepiness category.
Also, any reference to a bun in the oven or your “eggo being preggo” is always a welcome category.
Or lastly, you can just be cute because there’s just something so dang adorable about bellies in costumes. You can also coordinate costumes with your toddler to up the ante of cuteness. Whether you simply rock the always abundant maternity stripes as a bank robber, or make that sweet belly into a little jack-o-lantern, you can’t go wrong. The belly is your oyster. Literally and figuratively.
Embracing the pregnant Halloween is a must. It’s not every year you have a protruding belly as a serious source of inspiration, so celebrate my pregnant friends. Even if that means your way of celebrating is to eat most of your toddler’s candy as a justifiable and necessary lesson in sharing with her future sibling (my favorite way to celebrate). And please, do share how you and your bump worked your pregnant Halloween.
Image: Painted pumpkin belly via Lipik/Shutterstock.com
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