Posts Tagged ‘ growing a baby ’

I Forgot…

Wednesday, December 12th, 2012

31 weeks/7 months

I forgot that being THIS pregnant means…

I suffer from a very active pregnant brain. I wish I was making it up that I put liquid dish soap in the dishwasher and lathered my hair with body wash. It sounds straight out of some cheesy sitcom, but alas, it’s my pregnant brain reality. Nothing makes a girl feel like an idiot as trying to bail out 10,000 bubbles from the bottom of her dishwasher. Bubbles are all fun and games until you find them all over your kitchen floor.

I have a bad case of the grumpies. As my husband politely asked me to stop being grumpy the other evening, I felt exposed. What? I mean I knew I was a grumpasaurus, but I thought I was keeping all my grump to myself. Busted. It made me grumpy. Surprise, surprise.

I feel too much. See grumpies above but also, everything is a hot mess of feelings right now. I am a total loony as I swing from laughter, to annoyed, to happy in the space of thirty minutes. I can cry at any given moment. Don’t test me because that juice is da truth. Would the crazy lady now possessing my body please leave post haste?

I am uncomfortable. Somehow I erased the part where it gets downright Olympic sport hard to carry around a tiny human all day. Sure, sure Olympians are all sorts of heroic by setting world record paces for the 100-meter dash, but has anyone asked them to do it while chasing after a lightning fast toddler and a belly full of baby? I rest my case.

I no longer move gracefully. There’s a lot of moaning and groaning as I roll around in bed. That came out wrong. You know what I mean. Basically, I’ve turned into the tennis player who can only serve the ball if they let out a intimidating grunt. I can only move now if accompanied by a serious groan.

I no longer enjoy getting dressed. I channel my inner Santa Claus as I lock and load the belly into its expando waistband each morning. I live the movie Mean Girls every time I tell people, “These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.” My memory now recalls how I wanted to burn the two shirts that still fit by the time I was done being pregnant. I hated the sight of those clothes. If anyone asks, they met their demise gracefully.

I now notice people look at my belly first, my face second. To all the girls who get their boobs checked out first, face second, I feel ya. I’m a person too by dangit. Look me in the eyes.

I am officially subject to people’s commentary. To the man who couldn’t believe I was 7 months pregnant and told me “your womb must go down to my leg,” I could kiss you on your awkwardly spouting compliments mouth. To the 40-year-old man who openly leered at me at the airport and said aloud “I loooove a pregnant belly,” please keep your fetishes to yourself. I know you apologized and said you didn’t mean to say it out loud, but somehow it made it worse, not better. To all the people be gawking when I walk into a room now or using the terminology “huge, big, bigger,” can we please not? Just talk about my giant belly behind my back like respectable folks do. Also, it would really help my grumpies.

Somehow I forgot all of these factoids from my first pregnancy. While the tapes most definitely have not erased from labor, the third trimester is catching me by surprise. I’m remembering now though you sneaky little devil. You’re the trimester where everyday I’m doublin’ and literally, the baby triples in size. I love you third trimester, not because you’re easy, but because you’re over soon.

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Super No No’s or Don’ts for Maternity Photos

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

Let’s get something straight. I believe in documenting pregnancy. ALL of it. Like the fact that I’ve cried every day this week. About nothing. Hello third trimester hormones, you’re obviously bunking with me.

In that same spirit of documentation, I believe in photographing the pregnant bod. I’ve done a total crap shoot of a job of it this pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t tout the importance of remembering the incredible act of growing a baby. Whether a professional, your shorty, or the bathroom mirror helps you photograph, take at least a few of this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

I know many a woman who doesn’t want a camera near her for 9 months, but I think it’s a treasure to share with your child. Also, how can you deliver a convincing dose of guilt regarding the sacrifice it was to birth the little hooligan when they’re being an entitled teenager unless you give them documented proof of your belly so large it defines the laws of gravity and rips through every shirt that dares to cover it?

Maternity photos are a relatively newish trend. It wasn’t common during my mother’s child bearing years to have a professional photographer snap the bump. Now, it’s common place. We took them with our first and I’m hoping to find time to do it with this pregnancy as well.

The number one DO for maternity photos is do what makes you happy. If you’re happy, you’ll look beautiful and love them, and that’s what matters. If it makes you happy to take naked nudie pictures on the beach with an “artistically” finger-painted bump courtesy of your toddler while your husband stands awkwardly clear of center stage giving an overly enthusiastic thumbs up, then do it. It doesn’t matter what haters like myself think.

Honestly, I’ve seen a lot of beautiful ideas for maternity photos on the Internets, and while most of them are sweet, a few out there need a little…editing. Or a lot. Or a serious “Just Say No” campaign.

Let me offer (and probably offend) some unsolicited tips to keep your pregnancy pictures off (a gem of a website). Remember, the point is to celebrate the belly, not scar future generations with your uh, creative ideas.

This Lady’s Take on Super No No’s or Don’ts for Maternity Photos

1. Go Nudie with Your Partner. I’m going on record and saying couple’s nudity is not for pregnancy photos. No one wants any reminders of how your baby was conceived.

2. Wear Costumes. Dressing the belly up for Halloween is one thing. To remember yourself as a maternally glowing Bozo the Clown? Hard to pull off.

3. Be the Overly Supportive Partner. See reference to number one, but I’m not sure why a man needs to be shirtless in a pregnancy pic. It screams belly envy and over compensating by baring their pectoralis major. Nobody’s breasts should be the star of the shoot.

4. Draw on the Belly. Everyone knows there’s a baby in there. Drawing a fetus on your belly is overkill. And creepy.

5. Look like a Creepin’ Impregnater. If you want your significant other in the picture, put them in the picture. His leering in the background doesn’t send quite the right “supportive” vibe.

6. Compare Bellies. There’s a beautiful reason you’re the size of a house, what’s his beautiful excuse?

7. Use Guns as a Prop. Maybe it’s just my own hangup, but something about babies and guns just doesn’t mix for me.

8. Look Uncomfortable. I’m fully aware it’s difficult to look like like the most comfortable lass when you’re nine months deep, but set yourself up for success I say. Pick poses that work with pregnancy. I’ve never seen them supermodels pull off the pregnant lady reclines in tree pose. If the professionals can’t do it, maybe the rest of us shouldn’t either.

Shoot girl, you know I know that sometimes it’s hard to feel beautiful while pregnant, but I think if you steer clear of the above list, you’ll be taking a step in the right direction. Okay really, you’ll be taking one giant leap for pregnancy-kind.

Image: Yours truly working the awkward “peeping bump” pose

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To My Unborn Daughter

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

30 weeks/7 months

Darling baby girl,

The Christmas lights on the window were barely visible in the early morning sun and your big sister gabbed in her highchair while I fetched the bacon that had begun to pop from the pan. As we sat down for a lazy breakfast, your sister asked to tickle you. With her greasified, syrupy-covered chubby toddler hands I let her tickle “you.” We both laughed at this daily ritual and she declared, “she’s laughing.” As she paused to take another bite of french toast, she asked longingly, “when is sissy boo coming?” Her innocence, her excitement made me press my hands to my belly and reply, “soon sweetie, soon.”

I recount this moment so you know despite the fact that you’ll come into the hustle and bustle of our crazy little family, we are thrilled to be having you sweet girl. We pray for you, we dream about you, we thank God for you.

I wanted to tell you today how much I love you. I wanted to take a moment to think about you. I don’t have a chance to dream about you as often as I’d like, but I wanted to sit, feel your little life and tell you thank you for making me a mom again.

Even though you are not here yet, you’re very much a part of our everyday life. We take you to the park, we show you the Christmas lights, and read you stories. Your sister thinks I Love You Stinky Face is your favorite. I look forward to the day when I snuggle you on my chest as we cheer your sister down the slide. And one day, sooner than I realize, I anticipate the day your sister and I cheer for you on your first trip down the slide.

As Christmas approaches, I can’t help but fast forward to one year from now. I see a busy little baby rounding out our family of four as we sing carols in the twinkle of the tree lights and in probably the chaos but also the sweetness of the moment, I’ll look at you and your sister in matching pajamas, and your handsome dad, and feel my heart expand with a new kind of love for family and the little things.

We need you, baby girl. We need your little personality, your little life to teach us more about love. Soon sweetie, soon.

Dreaming of you today,

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We Meet Again Third Trimester

Monday, November 19th, 2012

28 weeks/6 months

My baby is the size of a head of cauliflower, my uterus is the size of a basketball, our pets heads are falling off! Ladies and gentlemen, we’re officially in the third trimester. Let’s all stand up and give it a well-deserved slow clap.

This means it’s countdown time. Okay, maybe that’s a little premature, but I’ll be honest, the third trimester is my favorite. Sure, it’s the most brutal, but it brings me closer to the end, which means I’m one step closer to snuggling a fresh baby from heaven.

Maybe I’m crazy for loving the third trimester. I mean, let’s look at the facts and let them speak for themselves.

The first trimester is marked by bloating and nausea but it pales in comparison to the excitement of discovering you’re pregnant and telling your people you’re having a baby. Plus, reacquainting yourself with shiny hair and superior nail growth is always a win.

The second trimester usually gets the best rep and it’s noteworthy “go tell it on the mountain” characteristics include an energy resurgence along with belly be poppin’ and booty be poppin’ adorableness. Basically, it’s the trimester that makes a girl feel like Beyoncé. “All the ladies if you feel me help me sing it out…”

The third trimester is characterized by what feels like and quite possibly could be, the jolliest and fattest Santa sitting in the ol’ uterus. Phrases like mucus plug, leaky breasts, dilatation nation, start to enter your vocabulary. Sexy time gets awkwardly creative as you progress from the more manageable fruit and veggie comparisons (cauliflower) to the more daunting, and unbelievable, pumpkin and watermelon. You’re on level red severe risk of stretch mark attacks and suffering from a serious case of waist envy. Most important of all, it’s impossible to dance Gangnam style with your toddler without peeing your pants from all the super classy jumping around. Have I sold you on trimester tres yet? Yes? Nailed it.

Despite all of the above “pleasantries” this last part is my favorite because all of it just brings me closer to a baby. It’s all part of the “having a baby” deal and I’m okay with turning into (for a limited time) a blubbering bowling ball filled with gas. Hit me with your best shot, third trimester. Bring on the hemorrhoids, the Braxton Hicks, and the belly gawking and belly droppin’. This mama bear can’t wait to meet her baby.

Image: Watermelon belly comparison via PonomarenkoNataly/

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A Pregnant Halloween

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

25 weeks/5 months

With today being All Hallow’s Eve, I thought I’d give a nod to my pregnant friends who must work a little extra pumpkin into their costumes than those sans baby belly. There are so many costume options for the pregnant posse. I  mean do you go the humorous route, or couples costume it with up with your baby daddy, or pay homage to your kickin’ new curves with all the other sexy nurses out there? It’s the decision of 2012 I tell you. After years of careful scrutinizing research at Halloween parties, I’d like to offer a few foolproof options when it comes to the ol’ preggers Halloween costume.

First, let’s talk sexy. In my heart of hearts, I believe Halloween belongs to the sexy. For starters,  sexy _______(insert any noun, yes even alien works) is the most readily available option for costumes. This is all fine and good if you are sexy. But I have a long standing theory that I believe is attributed to Shakespeare, “Some are born sexy, some achieve sexy, some have sexy thrust upon them, and some just never have sexy going on. EVER.” (See Heidi Klum for further proof of this theory.)

I fall into the latter category. While it is believed “the sexy” can be taught, it is actually elusive to some of us. No matter how hard we try, we’ll always get our shirt stuck on our head mid heated clothes removal, or trip and fall over our own feet while trying to seductively shake what our mamas gave us. If you have never got your shirt caught on your head and you work the sexy even during pregnancy, I say you don your sexy nurse, cop, gnome, polar bear etc., costume with that belly, accentuate your growing decolletage, and own the fact that you are a sexy goddess of pregnancy.

If sexy ain’t yo thing, there’s always the creative costume that everyone wishes they would have thought of themselves. Oh, you creative types. You like the challenge of Halloween and you always accept. If Halloween were everyday, you’d win at life. You’re the Rumpelstiltskin of Halloween and can weave any ol’ straw of a costume idea into gold. You go as pregnant Barbie complete with homemade, kick-a barbie box, Mattel logo and accessories. If you use the ubiquitous “bun in the oven” theme you aren’t just satisfied with donning a chef’s hat and apron. Oh no, you’re sporting a clever and intricately detailed oven that basically looks like pottery barn for kids constructed it and I’d play with it if your pregnant belly wasn’t in my way. If creativity is your game, a pregnant Halloween is your dream come true.

Neither of the above categories describes you? Don’t fret, there’s a few options left.

There’s the “paint your pregnant belly any type of ball or circular object” category. Always a winner.

The growing in popularity “stick some baby limbs on that bump” for some zombie creepiness category.

Also, any reference to a bun in the oven or your “eggo being preggo” is always a welcome category.

Or lastly, you can just be cute because there’s just something so dang adorable about bellies in costumes. You can also coordinate costumes with your toddler to up the ante of cuteness. Whether you simply rock the always abundant maternity stripes as a bank robber, or make that sweet belly into a little jack-o-lantern, you can’t go wrong. The belly is your oyster. Literally and figuratively.

Embracing the pregnant Halloween is a must. It’s not every year you have a protruding belly as a serious source of inspiration, so celebrate my pregnant friends. Even if that means your way of celebrating is to eat most of your toddler’s candy as a justifiable and necessary lesson in sharing with her future sibling (my favorite way to celebrate). And please, do share how you and your bump worked your pregnant Halloween.

Image: Painted pumpkin belly via Lipik/

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