That Awkward Moment During Pregnancy When…

your life more closely mirrors that of an animal than a human. I’ve reached it.

Let’s talk pandas specifically. Apparently, pandas are extremely sedentary, eat for 10-16 hours a day out of necessity, and spend the rest of their time sleeping and using the facilities. Never has my life so accurately been depicted by wildlife. We are kindred spirits.

By the end of the day, I feel just like a panda, an eating, lounging, giant, and in my mind, adorable thing. I’ll be honest, it ain’t a bad life. These pandas, they know what’s up. At almost 6 months pregnant, I’ve noticed a general pattern. After an exhausting day of eating, I do the horizontal slow roll off the couch and sluggishly meander to my bed to sleep off my food coma. See, totally adorable.

Let’s just say what we’re all thinking, heaven help the end product I become by the 9th month of pregnancy. There is no up from charming, squeezable, panda comparisons. Where do I go from here? Don’t answer that question.

This panda-esque lifestyle has led to another pregnancy milestone though.

PANTSGATE: That awkward moment when you shouldn’t be wearing your pants anymore but you are.

These days, wearing pants is a debacle that just makes me feel like a Vienna sausage putting on its casing. What’s the saying, if you love something set it free? The time has come. We’ve had a good ride pants, but it’s not you, it’s me. It’s not goodbye, just I’ll see ya. Well that is unless you’ve got some sort of stretchy waist to offer a girl.

It makes sense seeing as how at 24 weeks, my uterus is the size of a soccer ball (there is no sexier sentence in the English language).

I have to admit, I felt a bit embarrassed at my lady doc appointment last week. She was giving the indentation marks of my jeans on my aforementioned uterus the Mad-Eye-Moody swivel eye of judgment. I felt like a teen whose mom had caught her dressed in a shorter skirt and hoochier top than when she’d last seen her leave the house that morning. To her credit, she didn’t openly chastise me. But I knew that she knew that I knew that she knew that my non-pregnancy pants days are over.

It all hit a little too close to home while catching up on Modern family episodes this week and Sofia Vergara’s pregnant character also underwent her own PANTSGATE. Granted, she still looked every bit the Latina hotness while pretending her clothes didn’t fit. As for the rest of us, when we reach the same milestone, the phrase “muffin top,” and an admiration for pandas come to mind.

I don’t begrudge it. I try to appreciate all pregnancy milestones. I welcome my healthy, growing uterus with open arms. And mouth.

Now if you’ll excuse me, the food in this house is not going to forage itself…she said as she horizontally slow rolled off the couch.

Image: Sleeping Panda via Lee Yiu Tung/

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  1. by Kaylee

    On October 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

    PROFL. (Panda rolling on the floor laughing)

  2. by Kira

    On October 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

    That awkward moment when you’re not pregnant and the panda is still your main lifestyle aspiration :)

  3. by Jana

    On October 26, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Maybe it’s time to embrace the full time skirt. Something I never took enough advantage of in my p-days.

    I miss those days of shoveling down everything in sight without remorse.

  4. by Nollie

    On October 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Best line in that “Modern Family” episode: “You have some pizza on the ice cream on your shirt.” Too close to home.