Posts Tagged ‘ sarah schmelling ’

Minutes From The Crawford Family Meeting

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding!

  • Meeting called to order at 6:32 p.m.
  • In attendance was the Family Board of Directors: Mom, Dad, Evan, 8, Molly, 6, and Sam, 3 (from under the table).
  • Also present: Evan’s friend Marco, who invited himself over.

Old Business

  • Molly reminded the Board of a previous discussion about getting a pet hamster.
  • Mom reminded the Board of the family cat, Gertrude. Marco informed the Board that guinea pigs are “cooler” than hamsters. Evan told Marco that he doesn’t actually get a vote and he’d eaten too much pizza.
  • A motion was made to procure a new hamster. Motion was seconded but failed to pass due to lack of votes and mention of dessert.

New Business

  • Evan queried the Board for an allowance increase. A lengthy discussion followed, then broke into separate discussions on what Dad got for an allowance “back in the day,” chore values, and whatever Sam was telling Gertrude under the table.
  • Dad made a motion to hold the discussion. Molly noted that he made his motion with his fist. Voting was postponed while several Board members imitated the motion, and then forgot what the original motion was about.

Meeting adjourned at 6:37 p.m., when Sam started chasing Gertrude.

On next meeting’s agenda: Effective distribution of Halloween candy and at what temperature members can wear shorts to school.

Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿

Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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Quiet House Throws Mom Into Panic

Thursday, July 31st, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – A local mom nearly lost her senses here Tuesday when she realized her house had been quiet for 20 minutes, despite the fact there were three children under the age of 7 inside.

“I noticed that I’d actually been able to finish a cup of tea, which is unheard of in my house,” said Amy Hansen, 32. “I immediately had to see what on earth was happening.”

Hansen noted that she heard no hysterics, no one yelling, “Guys! Watch this!” followed by a mysterious thud, no furniture straining under the weight of jumping humans, no singing, no one yelling at someone else to stop singing, no slamming doors, no one on the edge between giggling and crying, no “ninja attacks,” no crashing, and no shattering.

When Hansen found all of her kids in the living room, two of them looking at books and one drawing in a notebook, she was still suspicious. “I had to ask them if they were in fact my children and not some kind of robot clones that had just wandered in,” she said.

Luckily, her 5-year-old daughter soon broke a pencil, blamed it on her brother, and then knocked a container of Legos off the table. “Phew! I felt so much better,” said Hansen. “For a while there, that was crazy.”

Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿

Image: Two children with books via Shutterstock

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Dad Brings Two Kids On Plane, Gets V.I.P. Treatment

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ALEXANDRA, VA - Todd Briscoe, 37, unexpectedly received royal treatment when he brought his two sons on a cross-country flight last week.

“They were adorable!” gushed flight attendant Courtney Flann. “They sat on either side of him, slamming their tray tables open and closed while he sang a song about space zombies. It was sweet!”

Flann said she and her colleagues made sure Briscoe and his boys, ages 4 and 5, could watch nonstop movies and have free first-class dinners, despite the fact the rest of the passengers could only buy BBQ chips and a Lettuce Wrap for $11. “We know that it’s hard to bring kids on a five-hour flight,” she explained. “We wanted him to have the best experience possible.”

Tricia Finewood, 41, a mom traveling with three kids and sitting two rows behind Briscoe, said she saw people fawning over someone but assumed it was a celebrity. “I was dealing with the woman in front of me talking loudly about how ‘parents these days have no control over their kids’ while my daughters read quietly,” she said. “Also, I got hit by a suitcase while getting our bags in the overhead bin by myself.”

When told that the fuss was over a dad traveling with kids, Finewood said, “I get it. Dads with kids are cute. Me? I just dream of a day when I can fly with my children and get past the beverage cart to go to the bathroom.”

Find out your parenting style.

Mother Eff'ed
Mother Eff'ed
Mother Eff'ed

Image: Father and son at the airport via Shutterstock

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Mom Mistakes Dentist for Day Spa

Monday, June 16th, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her new Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ELMHURST, IL – More than halfway into a teeth cleaning on Wednesday, Cheryl Andrews, 38, realized she was as the dentist’s office and not, in fact, at a spa. “I think in theory I knew that a woman was scraping my teeth with a sharp piece of metal,” said Andrews, a real-estate agent and mother of 6-year-old twin boys. “But there was that soft music, and people kept offering me water and asking me to lean back and relax. I kind of forgot I wasn’t there for a seaweed body wrap.”

Dental hygienist Sandy Harold said she knew something was amiss when Andrews requested a heated neck pillow and talked about exfoliation. She’s seen this kind of thing before: “We’ve had parents start meditating or fall asleep without novocain.”

Andrews realized her mistake when Harold gave her a choice of cherry or mint tooth polish. “It dawned on me that we weren’t talking about aromatherapy,” she said.

Still, she’s not at all embarrassed by the mix-up. “I got to sit in a comfortable chair for 30 minutes and not talk about Skylanders.”

She hopes her dentist can get her in for a regular cleaning every Wednesday.

Mom Confessions: The Strangest Thing I've Found in My Purse Was...
Mom Confessions: The Strangest Thing I've Found in My Purse Was...
Mom Confessions: The Strangest Thing I've Found in My Purse Was...

Image: Massage via Shutterstock

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Parents Given 90 Minutes of Babysitting, No Idea What to Do

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her new Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ROCKVILLE, MD – Charles and Megan Thompson were unexpectedly offered an hour and a half of free babysitting on Saturday, and had absolutely no clue how to use it. “I was dumbstruck when our neighbor said she’d watch the kids for a bit,” said Megan, 31. “We were elated, but what on earth could we do?”

Charles, 32, immediately started looking at movie times. “The last movie we
saw without the kids was Slumdog Millionaire,” he said. “What do grown-ups watch now?”

“We discussed the chance we’d fall asleep during a movie that didn’t have screaming cartoon characters,” said Megan. “We considered going to a restaurant, but if we used our time sitting in traffic or waiting for a table, I might have started sobbing.”

In the end, the couple remembered they had to return a lamp to IKEA and they walked the aisles slowly, hand in hand, without having to remove children from Expedit shelving units or from under Ektorp sofas. “It was amazing,” Megan said. “Just the two of us, talking over meatballs, wondering how bed linens could cost nine dollars. It was totally romantic.”

Take our quiz to find out if you’re ready for another child.

Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿

Image: Fed up couple via Shutterstock and link

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Just Kidding! Facebook Advice From Our Humorist in Residence

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her new Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

Q: Lately, I’m being “unfriended” by other moms on Facebook on a daily basis. I don’t understand it because it seems that, unlike most of them, I have a really good handle on being a mom to my three kids. In fact, I actually find it easy! So I’m always sharing tips and my two cents on what’s worked really well for me. Not to mention all the photos I post of my amazing food, like the mozzarella I made by hand from milk delivered to my door by Amish buggy. Why wouldn’t they want to learn to be more like me?

A: Sorry, I didn’t finish reading your letter—I was too busy unfriending you.

 

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