Posts Tagged ‘ humor ’

Quiet House Throws Mom Into Panic

Thursday, July 31st, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – A local mom nearly lost her senses here Tuesday when she realized her house had been quiet for 20 minutes, despite the fact there were three children under the age of 7 inside.

“I noticed that I’d actually been able to finish a cup of tea, which is unheard of in my house,” said Amy Hansen, 32. “I immediately had to see what on earth was happening.”

Hansen noted that she heard no hysterics, no one yelling, “Guys! Watch this!” followed by a mysterious thud, no furniture straining under the weight of jumping humans, no singing, no one yelling at someone else to stop singing, no slamming doors, no one on the edge between giggling and crying, no “ninja attacks,” no crashing, and no shattering.

When Hansen found all of her kids in the living room, two of them looking at books and one drawing in a notebook, she was still suspicious. “I had to ask them if they were in fact my children and not some kind of robot clones that had just wandered in,” she said.

Luckily, her 5-year-old daughter soon broke a pencil, blamed it on her brother, and then knocked a container of Legos off the table. “Phew! I felt so much better,” said Hansen. “For a while there, that was crazy.”

Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿

Image: Two children with books via Shutterstock

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#JOMO is the new #FOMO because #YOLO

Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

The constant barrage of parenting humblebrags, pin-worthy pedicures, and perfectly posed (and filtered) pics of well-dressed, angelic children is causing us to miss out on what’s right in front of us. So, bid adieu to that nasty FOMO feeling and embrace JOMO (joy of missing out). Let everyone else hustle to keep up with the Joneses while you enjoy the relief of doing your own thing, no matter how un-Instagrammable it may be. Start by:

Just Saying No
When everyone’s volunteering for a PTA committee but you choose to binge-watch Orange Is the New Black instead, JOMO! When your single friend invites you to happy hour but you’d rather sing along to the Frozen soundtrack with the kids (again), JOMO! Only say yes to plans that truly excite you. Who cares if you don’t get tagged in the photo later?

Keeping It Real
Find IRL experiences that mimic the sites you enjoy most. If you’re always pinning craft ideas or recipes, take a cooking class or pick up art supplies and get creative with your kids. Crave connection? Join a mom’s group for a real-life social meet-up.

Seeing the Bigger Picture
For each image of a child quietly reading a book, there are hundreds of un-photographed moments where his behavior is…less than ideal. The next time you’re staring in awe (and envy) at a photo or status update, remind yourself that social media is not real life—and that all the good stuff happens off-camera anyway.

—Sabrina James

Mom Confessions: My Latest Parenting Fail
Mom Confessions: My Latest Parenting Fail
Mom Confessions: My Latest Parenting Fail

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Tiffany Beveridge’s Cutie Quinoa Will Make You Laugh

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

She’s sassy, savvy, and LOL-worthy. If you haven’t heard of Quinoa (no, not the food this time!), you’re missing out. Tiffany Beveridge turned her viral Pinterest board, “My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter”, starring a little girl with the same name as the trendy grain, into a clever book for fans to enjoy.

Quinoa is spirited and a hipster, but it would be a major faux paux to refer to herself as one, according to “The Rules of Being a Hipster” that appear at the beginning of Beveridge’s book. More specifically, as Beveridge writes, Quinoa is “the fearless and fashion-forward little girl who dresses to the ninety-nines, attends elaborately themed playdates with her cohort of posh friends” and “sets more trends in an hour that the number of times you check your email in Twitter feed.” Quinoa lives and breathes fashion, and even knows how to undergo a “textile cleanse” (wearing all white for a week) when necessary. If you’ve never found yourself jealous of a fictional character, you (or your child) will be now.

Of course, the book is also parody of our obsession with the latest must-have foods, styles, and technologies. Case in point: Quinoa’s friends are named Hashtag and Chevron, and a list of Quinoa-approved monikers includes gems such as Chia, Sephora, and Peplum. Likewise: The key to choosing worthwhile extracurricular activities, Quinoa says, is to follow three simple criteria: 1. Can it be posted on Pinterest? 2. Can it be posted in Instagram? 3. Can it be posted on YouTube?

Just as Bevridge’s Pinterest board is full of witty captions next to perfectly styled images, the book contains similar musings. A picture of two children sitting on a staircase is accompanied with the caption, “While playing brownstone, Quinoa and Bodoni got into an argument over who got to be the liberal arts professor and who got to be the work-from-home dad.” An image of an energetic young child dressed in camo, flannel, and some bling reads, “Quinoa’s friend Ellipses has the moves like Jagger, the smarts like Zuckerberg, and the curfew of a 12-year-old.” Laughing yet?

While some of the cultural references may go over children’s heads, the book is a fun read for teens, young adults, and parents who will appreciate Beveridge’s insight and humor.

Are you raising a little fashionista? These looks will inspire her as back-to-school time approaches:

Back to School: Fashion for Girls
Back to School: Fashion for Girls
Back to School: Fashion for Girls

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Dad Brings Two Kids On Plane, Gets V.I.P. Treatment

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ALEXANDRA, VA - Todd Briscoe, 37, unexpectedly received royal treatment when he brought his two sons on a cross-country flight last week.

“They were adorable!” gushed flight attendant Courtney Flann. “They sat on either side of him, slamming their tray tables open and closed while he sang a song about space zombies. It was sweet!”

Flann said she and her colleagues made sure Briscoe and his boys, ages 4 and 5, could watch nonstop movies and have free first-class dinners, despite the fact the rest of the passengers could only buy BBQ chips and a Lettuce Wrap for $11. “We know that it’s hard to bring kids on a five-hour flight,” she explained. “We wanted him to have the best experience possible.”

Tricia Finewood, 41, a mom traveling with three kids and sitting two rows behind Briscoe, said she saw people fawning over someone but assumed it was a celebrity. “I was dealing with the woman in front of me talking loudly about how ‘parents these days have no control over their kids’ while my daughters read quietly,” she said. “Also, I got hit by a suitcase while getting our bags in the overhead bin by myself.”

When told that the fuss was over a dad traveling with kids, Finewood said, “I get it. Dads with kids are cute. Me? I just dream of a day when I can fly with my children and get past the beverage cart to go to the bathroom.”

Find out your parenting style.

Mother Eff'ed
Mother Eff'ed
Mother Eff'ed

Image: Father and son at the airport via Shutterstock

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Mom Mistakes Dentist for Day Spa

Monday, June 16th, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her new Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ELMHURST, IL – More than halfway into a teeth cleaning on Wednesday, Cheryl Andrews, 38, realized she was as the dentist’s office and not, in fact, at a spa. “I think in theory I knew that a woman was scraping my teeth with a sharp piece of metal,” said Andrews, a real-estate agent and mother of 6-year-old twin boys. “But there was that soft music, and people kept offering me water and asking me to lean back and relax. I kind of forgot I wasn’t there for a seaweed body wrap.”

Dental hygienist Sandy Harold said she knew something was amiss when Andrews requested a heated neck pillow and talked about exfoliation. She’s seen this kind of thing before: “We’ve had parents start meditating or fall asleep without novocain.”

Andrews realized her mistake when Harold gave her a choice of cherry or mint tooth polish. “It dawned on me that we weren’t talking about aromatherapy,” she said.

Still, she’s not at all embarrassed by the mix-up. “I got to sit in a comfortable chair for 30 minutes and not talk about Skylanders.”

She hopes her dentist can get her in for a regular cleaning every Wednesday.

Mom Confessions: The Strangest Thing I've Found in My Purse Was...
Mom Confessions: The Strangest Thing I've Found in My Purse Was...
Mom Confessions: The Strangest Thing I've Found in My Purse Was...

Image: Massage via Shutterstock

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Parents Given 90 Minutes of Babysitting, No Idea What to Do

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her new Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

ROCKVILLE, MD – Charles and Megan Thompson were unexpectedly offered an hour and a half of free babysitting on Saturday, and had absolutely no clue how to use it. “I was dumbstruck when our neighbor said she’d watch the kids for a bit,” said Megan, 31. “We were elated, but what on earth could we do?”

Charles, 32, immediately started looking at movie times. “The last movie we
saw without the kids was Slumdog Millionaire,” he said. “What do grown-ups watch now?”

“We discussed the chance we’d fall asleep during a movie that didn’t have screaming cartoon characters,” said Megan. “We considered going to a restaurant, but if we used our time sitting in traffic or waiting for a table, I might have started sobbing.”

In the end, the couple remembered they had to return a lamp to IKEA and they walked the aisles slowly, hand in hand, without having to remove children from Expedit shelving units or from under Ektorp sofas. “It was amazing,” Megan said. “Just the two of us, talking over meatballs, wondering how bed linens could cost nine dollars. It was totally romantic.”

Take our quiz to find out if you’re ready for another child.

Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿
Mom Confessions: If I Could Spend a Day Without My Kids I Would¿

Image: Fed up couple via Shutterstock and link

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Just Kidding! Facebook Advice From Our Humorist in Residence

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

Our writer Sarah Schmelling offers a funny perspective in her new Parents magazine column, ”Just Kidding! 

Q: Lately, I’m being “unfriended” by other moms on Facebook on a daily basis. I don’t understand it because it seems that, unlike most of them, I have a really good handle on being a mom to my three kids. In fact, I actually find it easy! So I’m always sharing tips and my two cents on what’s worked really well for me. Not to mention all the photos I post of my amazing food, like the mozzarella I made by hand from milk delivered to my door by Amish buggy. Why wouldn’t they want to learn to be more like me?

A: Sorry, I didn’t finish reading your letter—I was too busy unfriending you.

 

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