Facebook Wants to Get Me Pregnant

Lately my relationship with the social network has become a little…awkward.

It was subtle at first: the “We’re having a baby!” statuses filling my news feed like the first hashtag in a Jimmy Fallon sketch. Then came the ultrasounds and nurseries and—eventually—living, breathing humans birthed by my high school and college classmates.

But it didn’t stop there.

Maybe it was because my timeline showed that I was married but childless. Or the fact that I had worked for and “liked” both Parents and American Baby. Or perhaps it was the CBS segments I did (and later posted) on postpartum anxiety, sleep training, and raising two under 2. Whatever the reason, Facebook decided it was time for me to join the childbearing ranks. Not years from now liked I’d always assumed—right now.

The ads for everything from prenatal workouts to birth announcements started pouring in. They weren’t funny the way the ones for pet stairs were after I shopped around for a set for our vertically-challenged chihuahua. No, they were far creepier—like Facebook had figured out where I fit into the so-called plan: get engaged, get married, buy a house, have kids.

I don’t know—maybe it’s my fault. Did I send mixed signals? Maybe I should have posted fewer pictures of my cat and more of my 1-bedroom apartment that couldn’t possibly fit a crib. Or worked harder to not be so genuinely happy for my friends that I “liked” photos of their little ones. Or perhaps I should have added life events like “focusing on my career” and “vacationing in places that have adult-only pools” to my timeline.

But I didn’t do any of those things, and so Facebook continues to be relentless. Just today, I received an ad about potty training. I guess in Facebook’s mind (and maybe everyone else’s) I should be on to teaching a toddler how to use the toilet and trying for Baby #2. But here I am—still bump-less. (The one above is from AB‘s prop closet. Don’t ask.) You want to know why? Because I’m not that easy, Facebook. I mean, at least take me on a date first.

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