Thursday, December 1st, 2011
If there were an Ugly Vagina Contest, I would win, hands down. Granted, I wrote last week about how I don’t think the lady parts are very pretty to begin with. But in this pregnancy, I think I’ve taken the ugly vag to a new level. This is something mortifying to talk about. And taboo. I’m diving in anyway because I feel we women are sometimes embarrassed to discuss stuff like this. And yes, I am one of those women. It makes me feel prude-ish. Why? Not sure.
But maybe some of you have also experienced my “condition” and have a solution? Or maybe you have a different embarrassing issue? Don’t let me go out on this limb and be met with silence. It sucks when you feel alone in your “female” issues.
I think my condition is called Vulva Varicose Veins. As the belly grows, pressure is put on your blood vessels down there. Those vessels actually puff up. It’s gruesome.
I’d love to know if Angelina Jolie had this while carrying twins. And if so, was Brad freaked out? Somehow I think celebrities are immune to these horrid issues; that it only happens to us common folk. I would love to be wrong, but we’ll probably never know. (Maybe at her next red carpet I’ll go stalk her and shout, “Hey Angelina: did you have Vaginal Varicose Veins when you were pregnant?” To which she’ll reply, “Why yes I did. And Brad found it very sexy.”)
I did buy a maternity support belt to lift my stomach up and take some of the pressure off. I don’t think it’s doing much though. My OB says it won’t make the condition go away, but it will help it from getting worse. Oh good, so my vag won’t go from grapefruit to watermelon size. Whew. You can buy a fembrace, but then it’s like you’re walking around wearing a diaper. Or these things that Mork might have worn, had he been a pregnant woman. Oh, and to share even more—for me, this condition is only on the right side. So I’m lopsided in my deformity.
On my legs, it’s the left side that’s cursed. I’m getting spider veins. What, is Mother Nature trying to even out the horrors? Wow, thanks. Really appreciate it.
This never happened with Fia. I am now wearing compression thigh high stockings that cost $55 at a medical supply store. And the support belt that has three straps to it. It takes at least 11 minutes to get dressed with my undergarments alone.
Luckily neither of these “conditions” hurt. Though it’s not exactly comfortable either. It feels like I have weights pulling down on my private parts, especially if I stand up after sitting for a while. With 2 months left to go, I still have time to find myself in pain. Bleh. Ugh. Yuck. Argh.
My OB out here is a good-looking guy. I had to get the courage to ask him to take a look. I wanted to get a wax, but I was scared I’d hemorrhage. He laughed. “You won’t hemorrhage. And remember, this office is in Beverly Hills, so wax away.” Then he said he’d seen worse. But I got the feeling I was up there. Like maybe I’d get 3rd place in an ugly vag contest. Thing is, I have yet to get the wax. I’m actually too embarrassed. I need a good aesthetician who has quite literally “seen it all.”
My friends tell me how little I complain in this pregnancy. That’s because if I complained, it would go like this, “Well this morning, my vagina went from the size of an orange to a grapefruit. And has the texture of a cauliflower. And how are you?” No one wants to hear about this. Unless you have been in my shoes before. Or have an equally embarrassing tale to tell. Then I need to hear from you. Come on sisters! Dish with me.
Image: Pregnant Woman via Shutterstock