Is it Time to “Mom-Up” About Sleep Training?

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

At 7 months, I decided it was finally time to say goodbye to my “hired” village, and as my friend and Babble blogger Cassandra Barry likes to say, “Mom-Up.” I had to get rid of my night ladies. Places in Africa needed water wells for god’s sake. I think I could have built/dug 20 so far if I hadn’t employed my gals.

It’s just that with Fia, I was such a wreck from no sleep and no hired help, that I kinda lost my sh-t. We Ferberized her at 4 1/2 months. I became evangelical about the beauty and benefits of sleep training. With Emmett, I’ve done the opposite. I have managed to find all sorts of excuses–some valid, others not–to put it off.

He has reflux. He has gas pains. He’s farting too much. He must be in pain. He’s pooping too much. He must be in pain. He’s not pooping enough. He is constipated. He ate too much. His tummy hurts. He didn’t eat enough. He must be hungry.

This little dude has me weak in the knees with his ridiculously happy temperament that it’s been hard to think about letting him cry.

But the real reason I haven’t done it is I’m not tired! I think in order to go full throttle on sleep training, you have to reach the brink of insanity and misery. Or be falling asleep at red lights. Or have your husband threaten to check you into the psych ward.  Instead, with 8 hours of sleep a night, I have bounced happily through his infant stage, feeling pretty damn good as our bank account dwindles.

Phil and I both started talking about sleep training oh, about 4 months ago. Emmett would sleep happily on one of us while we watched every episode of Storage Wars, The Daily Show, and Breaking Bad. I wasn’t frantically going to bed at 8 pm, hoping to get a 3-hour stretch of zzz’s.

“When are we going to sleep train Emmett?” Phil would ask. “Soon,” I’d say, sipping my wine, not taking my eyes off the TV.  Neither of us were exactly motivated.

At 10 pm, we’d hear the knock on the door and in came our night help.

Frankly, with that set up, I didn’t want to “Mom-Up.” I mean, no one gets an award for lack of sleep, so for me, this was the right decision. To a point. But then it became a bit ridiculous. A little too easy. And I knew it was also in Emmett’s best interest to learn to put himself to sleep. Not to mention we needed our house back. And to some extent, our freedom. I didn’t want to travel anywhere because I knew I’d be the one losing sleep. Having a night nurse does get limiting–in an upper-class-problem kind of way.

So, with this 3-day weekend, we decided it was time.

Night 1:

This one was pretty bad. We put him down at 8:30 pm. He was up at 10:30. I changed his diaper (was only wet). He was up again at 11. I went in and tickled the back of his perfect neck (god I love that boy). He fell asleep until 1:30. Then started to wail. Fia woke up and started wailing too. Phil was running one way, I the other. It would have been comedic if it weren’t the middle of the night. Phil got Fia back down then came into Emmett’s room. I was sitting there rocking him.

“What are you doing?”

“I thought he pooped,” I said, knowing he hadn’t.

“Look, we are either doing this or not. If you can’t handle it, go down and sleep on the couch, and I’ll do it.”

“No, no, you’re right. Okay.”

I put him down (asleep) and walked out. He slept until 3:25. Then we let him cry for an hour. But before everyone freaks out at my cruelty, it wasn’t like he wailed for an hour. He would calm himself down and have 5-10 minute bouts of sleep. Then gear up again. Neither of us went in.

He slept until 7. The worst night was over.

Night 2:

Much better. He woke up at 10:30. I changed his diaper. He slept until 4 a.m. Cried for 7 minutes. I didn’t go in. He put himself back asleep until 6:30.

Night 3:

Down at 8 pm. A small crying fit at 3:30 for 5 minutes. Not a peep until 6.

I think we are there. And I am feeling this tremendous sense of freedom. I’m already planning our next two trips. As happy as Emmett was, I think he’s even happier now. He too is getting the sleep he needs. I also get to say I’ve “Mom-ed Up.” At least in the nights. No way am I getting rid of my daytime help. I still think Cassandra will be proud.

It also goes to show that there isn’t just one “right” way. This is a good lesson for my judgmental self. I was so sure that Ferbering at 3-4 months was the only way to go. Until I read Bringing Up Bebe. Then I thought I should have done everything differently to have my kids sleeping through at 4 weeks via “The Pause.” I was cursing myself (though by Chapter 6, I was annoyed by the book).

But now I have a baby who is sleeping through the night, who can still take naps on me during the day or sleep on us occasionally while we watch TV. I have flexibility to do what I want when I want. And for me, that’s the true definition of “Mom-ing Up.”

I Killed Bunny: My Sleep Training Breakthrough

Thursday, January 12th, 2012

Okay, so I just posted today a long blog about my latest issues and troubleshooting/advice in regards to Fia’s sleep regression.  I said that she seemed to be grasping the idea that when, “Bunny wakes up” (the clock we got for her), “Fia wakes up.” I was hopeful.

However, today, I killed bunny. Yup. He’s dead. And I’m overjoyed.

Here’s what happened the night after I thought she was “getting” it with the bunny clock. She was up at 11, 12:30, 1, 2:30, 3:30, 4, 4:50….in which point I finally put her in bed with me. It was worse than her newborn days.

Side note: if you have a child who has been sleeping fine and suddenly there is regression, every expert tells you to examine what is different; what has changed. I couldn’t think of anything…until…

Bingo. It came to me bright as bunny (did I really just write that sentence? That is f–ked up).

She finally “got” that she had a job to do, ie. wake up when bunny wakes up. She didn’t want to shirk her duties or disappoint. She takes her jobs/tasks very seriously. She was up constantly checking on bunny. I even heard her through the monitor and every time I went in and laid her back down. She’d recite: “Bunny awake, Fia awake. Bunny sleeping, Fia sleeping.”

Poor thing, she was putting pressure on herself not to let us–or herself–down. What can I say? She’s a girl. She’s an overachiever. She’s obsessive. She’s like her parents. It breaks my heart. She is so sweet.

So last night I told her, “Bunny went bye bye.”  (I may have actually used the word dead, because I was so tired I just didn’t care). I didn’t make a big deal about it though. I just said, “Fia wakes up when Fia wakes up.”

Here is where it gets extraordinary. She didn’t wake up ONCE last night. I mean, that hasn’t happened in weeks. She slept from 7:30-5:10. At that point I put her in the guest bed with me (can’t take her into our bed because Wayne is there snoring and spooning Phil. Yes, it’s ridiculous. Actually, Phil is spooning Wayne. Even more ridiculous).

I felt like a new woman today. Fia felt like a new tot. We were both so well rested. I pray my theory holds tonight and subsequent nights. But bottom line for anyone struggling with this is to ponder if anything has changed in your routine, etc. when the sleep regresses. Bunny was right in front of me and I didn’t realize it until it became an obsession for Fi (ie: waking up constantly).

I hope I never have to type a sentence with “Bunny” in it again. Seriously.