Posts Tagged ‘
Friday, December 6th, 2013
Joe DeProspero has two sons, a wife, and is complimentary birth control for anyone who sits near him in a restaurant. His writing has been described as “outrageous,” “painfully real,” and “downright humiliating.” He talks about the highs and unsettling lows of parenthood while always being entertaining and engaging in the process. Author of the dark comedy fiction novel “The Boy in the Wrinkled Shirt” Joe is working on releasing a parenting humor book. He currently lives in New Jersey and can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org or followed on Twitter @JoeDeProspero.
I lie to my children. Pretty much daily. You probably do, too. It’s not that we do it maliciously. We don’t wake up every morning thinking, “Today, I will lie through my teeth to my children.” But we do it anyway. It just happens. In fact, we lie to everyone, most of the time with good intentions. For instance, just this morning a co-worker asked what I did for Thanksgiving and I answered, “Just sat home.” That’s totally not true. Hell, I wasn’t even in my home state. I just didn’t feel like explaining it. Technically, I lied. But frankly, this is nothing compared to the blatant mistruths I spew at my sons.
I’m going to venture a guess that most of you have said these at some point. But here’s a list of common phrases I tell my kids that stretch the truth a bit, or a lot.
I’m not gonna tell you again.
I say this regularly. And immediately regret it. Because I most certainly, absolutely, no-doubt-about-it am going to tell him again. Pretty much immediately after I tell him I won’t. In fact, I say it about 16 more times, on average.
I will totally stop this car and leave you on the side of the road.
I mean, that would just be crazy, and definitely illegal. Just to keep them guessing, though, I start slowing down and look towards the shoulder, so they think I’m serious. But the fact that I’d never be evil enough to actually do it makes this a lie.
I’m in charge here.
I wipe their butts, change their diapers, feed them appetizing meals according to their personal taste preferences like they’re czars….and I’m in charge?
I don’t care if you cry; you’re not getting it.
Crying always changes things. Even if we try to resist. Try, just try, not to bend a little bit when a child cries for something. I have a son with a soy allergy. I refused to give him a cookie because of it. Then the waterworks started and before you could say “chocolate chip,” he had a mouthful of soy.
I’ll give you to the count of 3 to sit in that chair.
Okay, let’s get something straight. Counting to 3 by saying “1….2………2 1/6….2 1/3…..I’m serious here….I will totally say it…..okay, here it comes…..3!” This is not counting to 3. This is counting to 15, taking the scenic route.
Santa is watching.
If Santa is watching, and can hear and see everything we’re doing, why do we need to send him a list of things we want him to bring us? Is he just not paying attention? Is he hard of hearing? This is a clear plot-hole. And sometimes I tell them, “I’m going to tell Santa and make sure he takes a toy off your list!” Is he watching or do I need to inform him of things? I need to get this one straight.
I’m never letting you _______ again.
Talking in absolutes with children is never a good idea (see what I did there?). Saying you’re never going to let them play with a specific friend of theirs or take them to a certain restaurant because he acted like a complete goon there last time you went is incredibly unrealistic. And it makes you look like a tool when, inevitably, you go back on your word. So I’ve started to say things like, “That’s it. We’re never eating ice cream in the winter on a Tuesday again!” Narrows the scope and makes lying about 70% less likely.
You probably didn’t realize you were such a liar. Trust me, I didn’t either until I compiled this list. But don’t worry, the real silver lining here is that the vast majority of these lies are told to our children before their long-term memory is fully formed. So the only ones who will remember the lies will be us! And I can live with the guilt if you can.
I’m sure there are more to add to this list. So share some of yours! Add a comment below with your standby phrases that end up being lies! And follow me on Twitter for more conversation @JoeDeProspero and to let me know a topic you’d like written about in a future blog. Tweet me with the hashtag #blogtopic. And, as always, feel free to share this blog with a friend who you think would enjoy it!
* Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com
For more laughs, check out these hilarious (and true) parenting quotes. Then, take our quiz and find out what your parenting style is.
Add a Comment
Thursday, January 3rd, 2013
Revelation: Christmas is best with no company!
Revelation: I’m a homebody.
Revelation: I generally don’t like people staying with us…especially over Christmas.
If you didn’t notice, I totally checked out. Why? Because I was having the most enjoyable time with Phil, Emmett and Fia. I just decided to disappear. Poof.
This year I wasn’t pregnant, we didn’t have a newborn, we weren’t traveling, and we didn’t invite anyone to visit. And guess what? It was, hands-down, the most enjoyable Christmas to date. It may even trump our Christmas adventure pre-kids to Mali, West Africa in 2007.
Yes, the extreme adventure-travel girl, people-person and people-pleaser in me just took a massive break. It was our first “staycation” and I gotta say, it was amazing.
Phil and I both realized what it means to have our own family, our own tradition, and to frankly be selfish about it.
It’s not that we don’t love our families, but just having an entire week where each day we’d wake up with the kids and say, “What should we do today?” was simply blissful. To not be mopping and sweeping up after company or planning meals or dealing with drama–that inevitably comes with family–was relaxing beyond belief.
We went on glorious hikes, we took family naps, we went to the beach and the desert. We saw friends. We watched movies. I now understand why the word ”family tradition” was invented. We now have ours.
Em on his new trike. His feet don’t quite reach, but he loves it anyway! A good gift to grow into.
Fia’s grandpa made her a beautiful doll bed. Santa brought her favorite friend, Olivia. Between the two gifts, she has been entertaining herself for days. I love to watch.
Olivia needs lots and lots and lots of naps. Even though Fia doesn’t want to take them herself. (BTW–this is the only picture where I think she actually looks like me. Fia, not the pig.)
A-Wayne in a Manger. (get it? The cat? He’s in the manger?)
Christmas dinner, and drinking wine from my friend Kerstin Walz, who launched her own wine label this year, Stark Wine. It is delicious. I sent it out as Xmas presents to those in my life who appreciate good wine.
Having dinner with good friend Jenn Lee. Phil is there too, but he is taking the picture. Obviously. Goal: try not to over-explain in the New Year. Like I just did.
Nothing better on a Christmas day hike than your baby falling asleep on your back. Delicious.
This may be one of my favorite pictures of Fia to date. Notice the rodent hat and the sparkly shoes. Phil graduated from Madison, so naturally he was hoping for a Badgers win in the Rose Bowl. Didn’t happen, but at least he had his best cheerleader with him.
Okay, so below is when things got really adventurous. Mid-week we decided on a whim to go to Death Valley. That blog is coming tomorrow, so check back. Here’s a sneak peek:
Add a Comment
Amargosa hotel, Badgers, christmas, company, Death Valley, doll bed, drama, family tradition, Olivia the Pig, Rose Bowl, santa, Stark Wine, staycation, vacation, visitors, Wisconsin Badgers | Categories:
Fearless Feisty Mama, Have Baby, Will Travel, Mom Situations, Mom Tricks and Tips, Moving to Los Angeles, Must Read
Monday, December 26th, 2011
Author’s Note: Join me every Monday as I share Fia’s ongoing milestone (mis)adventures–from potty training to talking to everything in between. Mayhem and mischief guaranteed on Milestone Monday!
Christmas is funny with a tot. On the one hand, the holiday has so much more meaning to me since I get to see it through her eyes. On that same note though, because I’m seeing it through her eyes, I understand why no parent should waste their time making too big of a production.
I knew she wouldn’t totally “get” that she wakes up on this day and has presents from a red old fat guy. However, for my sake, we still wanted to create a holiday as if she understood.
Christmas Eve Phil and I were up late, assembling the trampoline and the easel for her. We put all the gifts under the tree. We drank Eggnog (well, I did. Phil drank Chimay). We listened to Christmas tunes. I loved it. (Granted, growing up, my family Christmases were highly dysfunctional, so the opportunity to do it right is kind of a cool milestone for me personally.)
The Night Before Xmas....
On Christmas morning, she came downstairs with us, saw the toys and the gifts, and made a beeline to the television. ”Sesame Street,” she said, pointing. Bah humbug. We both cracked up. We had it coming. We managed to distract her long enough to get her to jump on the trampoline then open some of the gifts, but it was the end of the day before all were opened. I’m glad I didn’t put gobs of time into it. Seems like you would just be setting yourself up for disappointment.
But still, I consider it a perfect day. We all took a 2-hour nap. Heaven. Then a 2-hour hike, followed by a delicious dinner. You don’t get many days in life like this. I’ll take it.
Add a Comment
Saturday, December 24th, 2011
Fia Loves Frosty
Author’s Note: Join me every Friday for a dose of cuteness as I share snapshots of Fia. Adorable photos are guaranteed on Fia Friday!
I am now in the bad parenting category. Fia isn’t going to meet Santa this season. She will surely need psychotherapy in life. We waited until Friday afternoon to go to meet him. I figured since it was a Friday, people would still be working. Major oversight on my part. It was a parking lot just to get into the mall. Then an hour+ wait to sit on Santa’s lap.
However, wandering around the outdoor mall (gotta love LA weather!) was this guy, who Fia knows probably more than Santa. She couldn’t get enough of him… zero fear. Just lots of hoggging of hugs. We finally had to drag her away to give other kids a chance.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
Fia and Frosty
Add a Comment
Fia and Daddy in front of the Xmas tree