Losing My Mom: One Year Ago

A year ago today my mom died. I woke up this morning not sure how to feel. Glad she is out of her pain? Glad she is no longer a burden to me? Relieved that her tragic life ended so peacefully? And yet, I’m sad. It’s hard to know how to feel when your heart is so full of conflict. From my tween years on, she was an addict. For three decades I simultaneously loved, hated and worried about her. Months went by with no communication. Years went by where I didn’t see her. But towards the end, we were all with her. I was able to whisper my final goodbyes.

In those last days she and I made a pact. We would communicate through lilacs. When Phil and I moved to LA, I realized lilacs don’t grow as abundantly here. But a few weeks ago, we went to the Descanso Gardens.  I knew she would be waiting.

Phil played with Fia while I walked privately with Emmett.

I carried him up to the purple blossoms.

“Hi Mom. This is Emmett,” I whispered.

She reached out to us. I felt her smile. I felt her. God she would love him. She would be so happy that I had a son. She always talked about how my brother, her firstborn, was such an easy, good baby. How instant that love was. Mom, I know what you mean! I have so much to tell you. 

But as I start to think about what could be, I know in my heart what could never have been. Tethered to tubes in the hospital for a year, free of illicit drugs and alcohol, I got glimpses of the mom I had in the early years. I’ve written about it before–how she was the best of them. That is, before the demons took over.

So on this day, I feel a conflict between my head and my heart. Between what I know and how I feel. I say to the good mom, I wish you were here. To hold him. To smell him. To hug me. I say to the tormented mom, May you rest in peace.  


Add a Comment
Back To Fearless Feisty Mama
  1. by bev

    On June 7, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    What a beautiful, tragic, amazing woman. How I wish I had known her. May the best that was in her live on forever in her awesome children and grandchildren. And may they remember her with love, compassion, and forgiveness. Bless you and your sweet memories of her.

  2. by Daryl Tsuchiura

    On October 24, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Im thankful for the article.Much thanks again. Cool.

  3. by loans for poor credit

    On December 21, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I was extremely pleased to uncover this page. I wanted to thank you for your time for this fantastic read!! I definitely liked every little bit of it and I have you saved as a favorite to check out new stuff in your website.

  4. by Recommended Reading

    On December 26, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I do agree with all the ideas you’ve presented in your post. They are really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for starters. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

  5. by HD Tracks Promo Code

    On December 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Hello Loving i just camr to blog since google searching for the solution however very well beautiful Blog therefore got a few am searching for so i was really thankfull for the..i am going to bookmarking your blog to visited regularly and find greater helpfull solution..In addition, i am sincerely Intrested in Supplying the Guest Satisfied For your thoughts so if you are actually intrested then could you let me know..as well as the again Good Blog post..

  6. by coupons

    On December 28, 2012 at 8:07 am

    I’ll right away clutch your rss as I can’t in finding your e-mail subscription link or newsletter service. Do you have any? Kindly permit me recognise so that I may subscribe. Thanks.|

  7. by Eusebio Deveaux

    On December 31, 2012 at 3:23 am

    This is a really good tip particularly to those new to the blogosphere. Simple but very accurate info… Many thanks for sharing this one. A must read post!


    On January 1, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    I’ve recently started a site, the information you provide on this web site has helped me tremendously. Thanks for all of your time & work.

  9. by http://youtube.com/watch?v=xbL01vfSggg

    On January 4, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Simply want to say your article is as amazing. The clarity in your post is just nice and i can assume you’re an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your RSS feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the enjoyable work.

  10. by Jarrod Pascuzzi

    On January 14, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    I believe this website holds some very good information for everyone :D . “We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” by Francois de La Rochefoucauld.

  11. by Grandjudy

    On January 25, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    Jill, tears filled my eyes as I read your beautiful thoughts of dear Suzanne. How much fun we 2 had together starting a business selling macrame holders and flowers. It was such a great time including our children. Watching you grow and putting all that energy into being some of the first professional business women of the 70′s. Thanks for the memories. Remember the KNOTHOLE and Plants by Suzanne.

  12. by coupon

    On May 5, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    to round up his analysis through the entire precious recommendations he had using your web site.

  13. [...] parents would slam the door and shout, “See you in an hour!” and go tearing off. My mother probably went and got high. My father probably went and made charts (we had a sign-in and sign-out chart growing up. Um, [...]

  14. [...] everyone: from losing her famous sister Nora, to her alcoholic mother (one of the reasons I think we are such kindred spirits), to her love of Bakeries (the article above was adapted from the book), and much more. Between [...]

  15. by A Mommy Blogger Bully | Fearless Feisty Mama

    On September 28, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    [...] with absolute honesty. I’m not afraid to write about my anxiety, my struggle with depression, my upbringing and yes, people who attack me for no apparent reason. So how is ”Fearless” not [...]

  16. [...] settlements to count for child molestation by priests. Nevertheless, progress is progress. Or, as my late alcoholic mother would say when reciting AA doctrine, “Progress not [...]

  17. [...] allowed to have and go to sleepovers. I know I loved it growing up (probably more just to get away from my crazy family). I also know it will be hard for me to let her go. I anticipate how incomplete the night will [...]