My Embarrassing Pregnancy Problem

Pregnancy Woes

If there were an Ugly Vagina Contest, I would win, hands down. Granted, I wrote last week about how I don’t think the lady parts are very pretty to begin with. But in this pregnancy, I think I’ve taken the ugly vag to a new level. This is something mortifying to talk about. And taboo. I’m diving in anyway because I feel we women are sometimes embarrassed to discuss stuff like this. And yes, I am one of those women. It makes me feel prude-ish. Why? Not sure.

But maybe some of you have also experienced my “condition” and have a solution? Or maybe you have a different embarrassing issue? Don’t let me go out on this limb and be met with silence. It sucks when you feel alone in your “female” issues.

I think my condition is called Vulva Varicose Veins. As the belly grows, pressure is put on your blood vessels down there. Those vessels actually puff up. It’s gruesome.

I’d love to know if Angelina Jolie had this while carrying twins. And if so, was Brad freaked out? Somehow I think celebrities are immune to these horrid issues; that it only happens to us common folk. I would love to be wrong, but we’ll probably never know. (Maybe at her next red carpet I’ll go stalk her and shout, “Hey Angelina: did you have Vaginal Varicose Veins when you were pregnant?” To which she’ll reply, “Why yes I did. And Brad found it very sexy.”)

I did buy a maternity support belt to lift my stomach up and take some of the pressure off. I don’t think it’s doing much though. My OB says it won’t make the condition go away, but it will help it from getting worse. Oh good, so my vag won’t go from grapefruit to watermelon size. Whew.   You can buy a fembrace, but then it’s like you’re walking around wearing a diaper. Or these things that Mork might have worn, had he been a pregnant woman. Oh, and to share even more—for me, this condition is only on the right side. So I’m lopsided in my deformity.

On my legs, it’s the left side that’s cursed. I’m getting spider veins. What, is Mother Nature trying to even out the horrors? Wow, thanks. Really appreciate it.

This never happened with Fia. I am now wearing compression thigh high stockings that cost $55 at a medical supply store. And the support belt that has three straps to it. It takes at least 11 minutes to get dressed with my undergarments alone.

Luckily neither of these “conditions” hurt. Though it’s not exactly comfortable either. It feels like I have weights pulling down on my private parts, especially if I stand up after sitting for a while. With 2 months left to go, I still have time to find myself in pain. Bleh. Ugh. Yuck. Argh.

My OB out here is a good-looking guy. I had to get the courage to ask him to take a look. I wanted to get a wax, but I was scared I’d hemorrhage. He laughed. “You won’t hemorrhage. And remember, this office is in Beverly Hills, so wax away.” Then he said he’d seen worse. But I got the feeling I was up there. Like maybe I’d get 3rd place in an ugly vag contest. Thing is, I have yet to get the wax. I’m actually too embarrassed. I need a good aesthetician who has quite literally “seen it all.”

My friends tell me how little I complain in this pregnancy. That’s because if I complained, it would go like this, “Well this morning, my vagina went from the size of an orange to a grapefruit. And has the texture of a cauliflower. And how are you?” No one wants to hear about this. Unless you have been in my shoes before. Or have an equally embarrassing tale to tell. Then I need to hear from you. Come on sisters! Dish with me.

 Image: Pregnant Woman via Shutterstock

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  1. by Heather

    On December 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Jill — I had to wear those compression socks, too! Restless Leg Syndrome during the last half of my pregnancy. My hubby called me granny:)

  2. by Courtney

    On December 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    YOU POOR THING! Glad you can find the humor in it, but seriously, with the move and all, how much can one person take??! I can relate on the wax front, I was terrified to go in after having my son because all the NYC waxers I’ve ever been to are pretty, um, THOROUGH, and pushing that boy out left me with a very minor case of hemorrhoids. It’s almost completely gone now, but the “almost” part gives me pause when I think about someone slathering wax down there and ripping. Yikes. I actually haven’t been for a bikini wax since he was born. Fortunately, I’m not a super hairy person. But still. Let us know if you end up braving the wax, it will give the rest of us courage. I’m sure if you go to someone who maybe specializes in pregnant women, they will have seen it all.

  3. by Jessica

    On December 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    I suffered from crazy veins down there, also in my second pregnancy, not the first. Thank goodness they went away after I gave birth. I had a lot of weeks of wondering if I was looking at a forever-change or just one more pregnancy embarrassment! Hang in there.

  4. by Wendy

    On December 1, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    I totally had the vaginal varicose veins. I totally freaked out when it started as I had never heard of this. You’re right – no one talks about it! Mine were on both sides and extremely painful, especially when I sat down on the toilet (sorry if TMI!) It went away as soon as I had my son. Definitely not looking forward to that particular symptom when I get pregnant again!

  5. by Veronica

    On December 2, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I have another pregnancy yuck that no one ever talks about; the stink of being pregnant! Call it feminine odor, whatever, I felt stinky all throughout both pregnancies. I would sleep with a pillow between my knees to help get comfortable and even the pillow stunk and I threw it out once Baby was born. Ugh. Don’t know if it was from extra discharge from being pregnant, or from being hot/sweaty from being pregnant, but I hated it!

  6. by Jill Cordes

    On December 6, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Ladies, thanks so much for the comments. Glad I’m not alone in my “issues”… safety in numbers, right? Regardless, it’s not fun! 6 weeks to go….thank goodness.

  7. by Nanci See

    On December 6, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Though I did have alot of swelling with my twins my most horiffying thing was peeing….I’d sneeze = pee, I’d cough = pee, I’d sit up in the bed from a laying down position = pee….it seemed like EVERYTHING I did made me pee. I remember spending 40 mins sobing locked in the bathroom cause I pee’d on the bed from a realy hard sneeze and was too mordified to face my husband (to whom cheerfuly told me it was ok to come out because he had cleaned it up…sweet of him but make me even more horrified over the fact.) I got so desprete I wore adult diapers anywhere I went. Sadly still to this day (my girls are two now) if I sneeze really hard I have a chance to spot.

    I agree alot of people dont talk about those horrifiy things that come with pregnancy out of either extream imbarassment or they dont want to sound like they are complaining. I had the hardest time telling even my doctor about what was going on like that with out turning fire truck red.

  8. by BlogHyped

    On December 15, 2011 at 1:07 am

    Great post, Jill. (Gulp) Thanks for sharing on BlogHyped. I’m a husband and father of 2 1/2 (3 officially this coming April) and I can appreciate all you’ve gone through. I can’t relate, and never will be able to, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Maybe to relate, the guys in the mothers’ lives should have to wear those compression stockings for a day? A week? If anything so you could get a nice chuckle and they can at least start to understand the crap we put you through!

  9. by Faye

    On December 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    great post! sorry about your condition but thanks for sharing and making the rest of s not feel so alienated! ive had hemorrhoids and veins and weird smells coming from places people shouldnt be around lol i hate how the books make pregnancy seem so pretty and easy. its not always pretty as we know

  10. by Audrey

    On January 16, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Jill – I’m so glad you shared!! This is my fourth pregnancy & I don’t ever remember having vericose veins on my vag but this time I do. I just figured it was from all the pressure & extra blood circulating down there. I was just hoping they’d go away after the baby is born! I already have puffy veins on my left leg from my second baby. They never went away!! Lots of crazy stuff happens when you’re pregnant. At least most of the worst of it happens in the last half. I’m thankful this pregnancy is flying by & that veins, hems, back ache, peeing on myself (i’ve learned to use a panty liner when i have a cough) are the worst of my problems. In 10 more weeks it will all be over & will have all been worth it!!

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