Feeling Blue

I just started crying. It came out of nowhere. It was bound to happen. You can’t go through moving your entire family across the country while pregnant, leaving your base of mom friends and a totally different way of living without expecting some sort of emotional toll.

Don’t get me wrong. I wanted to move to LA. I was sick of apartment living, having no yard, strolling everywhere (as in subways, sidewalks, sometimes up to 6 miles a day). New York City is an exhausting place to raise a baby. Now I have a car, a house and a yard. But I feel devoid of my mom posse. Or any sort of routine for me and Fi.

I know it takes time. I know I’m social enough and I will connect with people. I know Fia will get her sleep back under control and we’ll get into our groove. But right now, at this moment, it just feels daunting.

I also realize that since I left home for college 20+ years ago, I’ve never lived in a house for any extended period of time. I’ve always lived in the center of a city. Even if that city was Omaha. Or Sioux Falls. I almost feel like I’m impersonating someone. Is this new lifestyle “me?” At 40+ years old, what if I don’t adjust? I know it sounds crazy, and there are much bigger problems, like world peace and the Eurozone to worry about, but it’s just how I’m feeling at the moment.

I have 3 months to get this all down before the new baby comes. That is plenty of time. And this is my first real day without the chaos of a move or company (my in-laws were here for 10 days and so I had constant daycare and people around me). So I need to go with it.

I have a playdate set up with a mom friend I knew from a few years back. She’s coming over tomorrow with her daughter who is Fia’s age. So hopefully I’ll feel a bit more grounded. But the bottom line: change is hard. But also fun. I am looking forward to feeling the fun part soon.


Photo: Woman with Crossed Arms by Picasso.

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  1. by Courtney

    On November 8, 2011 at 11:57 am

    This too shall pass–a mantra that gets me through just about anything. Hang in there!

  2. by Heather Morgan Shott

    On November 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Jill — I react very much the same way when going through change, even change that I wanted. I think building a community of mom friends will make a huge difference for you. Is Meetup big in LA? That’s how I met a ton of moms in my neighborhood.

  3. by Berit Thorkelson

    On November 8, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Aw. You know, it would probably be out of the ordinary if you DIDN’T feel a little blue during this upheaval. The fun is coming soon, I’m sure. That part doesn’t always show up right away. Thinking of you!