Asking Baby to Perform

June 29, 2011 at 8:03 pm , by Jill Cordes

I posted a blog this week about how I’ve basically turned my baby into a more affectionate child. Then a friend sent me this article. It basically says that in asking our kids to perform on cue—whether it’s a hug or kiss or a word or gesture—we are in effect, pimping them out.  She goes on to say,  “And the currency you’re using is the single most powerful in the world: parental love and approval.”

Ouch. That’s hard to hear. But I think the author, Jennifer Lehr, might be onto something.

Here’s the whole article here. It’s short and very worth reading.

Granted, I don’t have to ask for the hugs and snugs as much now that I’ve “trained” her (cringe), but there are still plenty of times I can catch myself pushing her to “do” or “show off” something.  I hate to think she might be getting her self worth from trying to please me.

So where do we draw the line at asking our children to “perform on cue?

For example, her grandparents don’t see her that often. So when they do, I want her to show them everything she has learned. “Fia, can you kiss Grandpa and TT?” “Say “bye!” “Say I love you?”

Is that wrong?

And what about, “Say thank you.” “Say please?”

Is that teaching them to be polite, or is that making them “perform” for your pleasure?

She goes on to say that we shouldn’t make our kids put on a sweater because we feel cold, or eat more food because we don’t think they had enough. Basically, we shouldn’t project our feelings or “know-it-all” behavior as she puts it, on them. They can figure out when they are cold or when to eat more.

Not sure I completely agree with her on those issues. As a mom, I know exactly how much Fia eats in a day. At 6 pm if she’s only had a few crackers and a cheese stick all day, shouldn’t I use my judgment and tell her to eat more? And if it’s freezing outside, I can’t in good conscience let her go outside without a sweater. What if when she is older, like 3, and tells me she’s not tired? Am I to let her stay up late? Um, no.

So there are some things I really think we as parents need to make a judgment call on. And, like with everything, moderation is key, which is what I think Lehr is ultimately getting at. But I wouldn’t mind some other opinions. I won’t second guess Operation Hugs and Snugs, but I might try and tone down some of my other pushy behavior and just let her be. Fi.

7 Comments so far

1. by Kristin Shaw

   On July 4, 2011 at 1:05 pm

   To compare asking baby to show kisses and hugs to “pimping one out” is ridiculous. Babies love to learn and they get pleasure from seeing our joy as much as we get joy from seeing them learn. This is not “toddlers and tiaras”, it’s teaching them love and affection. Talk to someone who DIDN’T have that growing up (i.e. my ex-husband, who had no idea how to show affection) and you’ll see the difference. Jill, you have been doing the right thing all along and don’t let anyone make you second-guess it.

2. by Joey

   On July 4, 2011 at 1:26 pm

   Parental authority is about doing what’s best for our kids and others. Agree that when it comes to safety, nutrition, etc, that our knowledge supersedes our child’s wishes. But other areas are harder to discern what is right.

   I wrote about this in an experience with our youngest child (http://differentway4kids.blogspot.com/2010/12/no-hug-for-you.html). In some situations (like this one), I’m not sure there is an absolute right or wrong answer.

3. by Angie

   On July 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

   Each parent is going to teach and discipline their child the way they see best. I personally disagree with her point of view. I ask my daughter for hugs and kisses when I’m leaving, and I think it is silly to compare that to “pimping” her out. If she says she is too busy, I just drop it. I can see where the other author was coming from in regards to cases where a parent would push the issue or make their child feel guilty, but I think it was a really extreme point of view.

   This topic actually sparked a blog post of my own on the subject if you’d like to see my full thoughts on the subject:
   http://twentysomethingangie.blogspot.com/2011/07/can-discipline-go-overboard.html

   Bottom line is, different kids will respond to things in different ways. There is no “right” way to teach your child.

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