My Sitters Are Driving Me Crazy, Part 3

I have a job. Actually several. One is this blog. Another is in television. In addition, there’s my job of being a parent. And a wife. And taking care of Wayne Sanchez.

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Yet, when it comes to the “professional” jobs, why do I feel judgment from “the other side?” I’m talking about the SAHM (Stay At Home Moms). Not all obviously, but enough to warrant a post on the topic.

On a typical week, I work 40+ hours at my professional jobs. I have sitters for 15 of those hours. Could I have them more? Absolutely. But I like to maximize my time with Fia. I grab other hours during her naptime and at night. In other words, I am just like many of you. Juggling, wearing many hats and trying to find that balance. Yet you can see how quickly I was fed to the wolves at the mere suggestion that perhaps a sitter has faults. And rather than addressing that, I got attacked by a bunch of you for not being with my child all 168 hours of the week.

Why were so many of the comments directed to the fact that I have a sitter? And that I don’t define my life solely based on the birth of my child? Here are some examples:

“…If she actually did it [take care of her child]  day in and day out, I’m sure she would consider it a job.”

Oooh, ouch. You can read more of Part 2 to see what I said about that.

“There is always taking care of your own kids…”

“Since it would seem that you just want to fuss about it, sounds like the mom thing may not be your “bag” either.”

Double ouch.

But this is my favorite:

“I honestly don’t think anyone should have a “parenting blog” unless they are a stay-at-home-mom/dad. Because only then can they make an entire blog about the day to day life of their kids and what it’s actually like.”

When did this SAHM get so entitled that it is her way or the highway? And that the only perspective on parenthood is from someone who doesn’t work outside the house? Granted this was an extreme comment, but it begs the question: is Parenthood a dictatorship? Is only one person’s parenting style worth hearing?  I don’t think so. There are thousands of ways to parent, all with their good and bad points.

In the 200 comments that were posted on this blog and facebook, I never saw one “professional” working woman criticizing the fact that I have a sitter (because frankly, that wasn’t the point of the blog). Yet, there is clearly some bitterness, judgment, maybe resentment?? in some of these comments. And this isn’t the only place. I hear it on playgrounds, in coffee shops, and as you can see–all over the Internet.

I admit, I have it good. I fall between the SAHM and Working Mom. But there are plenty of others who have to work far more taxing hours outside the home.  Some by choice, others because they need to feed and clothe their children. And guess what my friends who do it by choice say? It makes them a better MOM. That’s right. It is their way of getting balance and perspective, and space to breathe.

Trust me, I sometimes think that my mom friends who have full time nannies are missing out. And they are on some level. But what might they be gaining in return? And teaching their kids about life? Independence? Not to mention the financial contribution to their household. There’s also self-esteem and confidence to consider.

I guess what I really want to know is why is there such a debate between us? Aren’t we moms members of the biggest club in the world? Aren’t we supposed to be the biggest cheerleaders for each other? Why do we ridicule, judge and jump so quickly to conclusions?

When I had Fia, I made a decision to have help. I knew I would still need a creative outlet.  And I guarantee I’m a better parent because of it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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  1. by Michelle

    On June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Great blog Jill! I have experienced similar comments, but for an entirely different choice. I’m leaning toward the decision to not even have children (happily married 9 years, both of us on the same page). I’ve heard many a nasty and bold opinion about that personal decision (mostly because I’m asked flat out why not – at the salon, work, in a cab!) Everyone asks and comments, but women can be especially judgemental. It’s time we all respect the choices people make in their lives, and adhere to the old-fashioned rule of keeping your opinion to yourself!

    You take a risk putting “your” story out there Jill – but rest assured so many more people are enjoying your contrabutions than are judging them. It would be a very boring place if we were all the same!

    Michelle

  2. by Colleen

    On June 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Wow! Sorry you are getting so slammed, Jill!
    Like you, I also fall somewhere between stay at home mom and working mom, as we homeschool our sons, plus I do various educational product development plus reviews, etc. Just as you hear criticism from stay-at-home moms, I got slammed for homeschooling my sons recently when we took our son to the doctor’s and we had to see an on-call doc. When the on-call nurse and on-call doc asked my son about what grade he was in, he replied that he is homeschooled. The nurse then repeated the question and he added that it is irrelevant that he works at his own intellectual level. They interpreted it as him being a wise cracker vs. a profoundly gifted child who is homeschooled becasue there aren’t programs to meet his needs in our community, much less the needs of really any child in our community, as our local school is less than stellar.
    What started as an office visit about something entirely different (he went in for a blood sugar test) got turned into something completely different: a total and utter attack on the fact that we homeschool the boys.
    The on-call doctor was especially unprofessional and launched into a tirade about how the point of school is to teach kids things like yes, ma’am, no ma’am, to follow rules, and to follow a schedule. She then told us all about her brilliant daughter and how school was only about socialization for grades 1-8. I was shocked! But, just like the attacks you have experienced regarding how you care for your child or the fact that you may have to use a nanny or sitter really digs into the fact that people are very quick to judge others without knowing what the truth really is…if anyone reads your excellent posts and sees how your interact with Fia, how you do adorable, developmentally appropriate things with her such as having her help make cookies or paint, they would see what a gem of a mom you are and that it is not all about the quantity of hours versus the quality of hours.
    But with that being said, just as you and I fall somewhere in the middle of what we consider the middle to be, everyone has their own perceptions and unfortunately misconceptions of what is the best thing for a child.
    You are doing right by your daughter by my estimation, but what really matters is that you are doing right by her by your own estimation. It is hard when people who do not know you can come down so hard when they have no idea of how you try like crazy to balance everything in your life.
    That is the hardest part when we try to reach out to share our own experiences that have been challenges for us and people take it as a green light to blast you for whatever you might do that is not within their framework for a parent.
    I do not know you all that well, only through connections from my sister and her hubby from way back when, but can honestly say that if you were a neighbor, you would be the kind of neighbor and friend I would want to have! You are doing some wonderful things in your life that make your daughter have a rich set of experiences and that should not be overlooked! You strike me as a very giving person who loves her daughter and would do anything for her.
    When you brought up your frustration regarding a sitter or nanny losing some items, that should have made any mom mad, not just working mothers.
    That is a person who is supposed to be looking out for your child’s best interest not taking the time to keep track of things or to be respectful enough to try hard to not have it happen again.
    It is not you trying to make a sitter or nanny look bad, it is the truth that they did not care for your child’s things and not little nickel-dime dollar items, either…a stroller? Seriously? That is not something that can walk away undetected at a park or play date. You had every right to be upset! I would have been too!
    The only word of caution that I have shared is to find a new sitter or nanny, as there is bound to be someone out there who would provide your daughter and her belongings top-notch care.
    As far as the snarky people who want to share their thoughts on how crappy it is that you work, ignore them for the most part. Just as I was ready to write a rebuttal all about the on call doctor who raked me and my son over the coals for his honest reply regarding his grade level and for the fact that we homeschool, I have decided to back up and not address it with her directly, as there are some people in the world who will never ever change their positions on things.
    These people draw their positions so firmly that they will not waiver in their stand and to me, it is best to just try to avoid them altogether.
    Just as it is such a shame for you to be blasted when you have done so many cool things in your life, it is the narrow minded who really lose out at the chance to get to know you and to get to see how you are around your daughter.
    We will never go back to the doctor who was on-call and it is her loss not from the money standpoint of not having us as patients, but from the standpoint that she did not get to know our family, to see how kind, caring, helpful and bright my sons are or how loyal we are as a family when it comes to sharing the word about a great professional person.
    Just focus on what you have been doing and that is doing right by your family and yourself. The only thing is that also to keep in mind that there are some lovely stay at home moms out there, because just like you and me, there are some who do a little bit of this and a little bit of that and we end up identifying a little with everyone but not quite being in the cookie cutter mold with anyone, and that is okay too:)
    You are an awesome mom from every indication I have seen and just wish you lived in the Sunshine State, as it would be great to have you and Fia over for a playdate and some coffee!!!

    Have a great rest of your day, Jill!
    Colleen :)

  3. by Jill Cordes

    On June 23, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Michelle, I really appreciate your words. My husband and I had been married 10 years (and getting old!) before we decided to take the plunge. Obviously I’m thrilled that we did. But I understand entirely where you are coming from. It’s a tough call. And a lifetime commitment. I was aslo subject to inquiries from every person I encountered. And when I said we weren’t planning on having a family, I was often looked at like I had three heads. That is the world we live in. But through women supporting women and their choices (and thank god we have a choice as many countries women don’t have that right), we can be at peace with whatever we decide. Thanks again for taking the time to read.

  4. by Jill Cordes

    On June 23, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Colleen– your story is really something. And I can imagine how frustrated you felt, especially from a person (ie: doctor) who often helps reinforce our confidence that we are parenting correctly. You’re wise to switch pediatrians, or not go back to that specific doctor.

    Thank you for following this debate so diligently and giving your two cents. Opinions like this are invaluable. Opinions that aren’t the same as yours–but are stated smartly and articulately are also invaluable–but in my case, I felt many were biting and mean. And missing the point entirely. I hope you keep checking back to see what we’re talking about on my blog.

    Best, jill cordes

  5. by Kris

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    Hah! I think women are bloody judgmental no matter what the topic! Why wouldn’t the judgments about child-rearing be the most contentious of them all!? Think about it. Whether you’re talking working vs stay at home, or rules at the dinner table (clear your plate vs let the child decide) – it’s the same deal. I am not sure I agree with the judgment that SAHMs are “resentful” per say. I think that is like making an assumption that they are jealous of your working life (oooo, don’t go there). If they are (resentful), it’s LIKELY because there is no one to say “thank you for a job well done” to SAHM, whereas the working mom is generally complimented now and again – - and if they don’t, the pay check might sometimes makes up for it. Just a thought.

  6. by yvonne

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    even the best people with the most fitting position that gives them satisfaction cannot do the same thing constantly, even the stay at home parrent has a need for self time and anyone who doesn’t recognise this has got bigger issues than bad child care. i’m fortunate to have a handful of experienced people who adore my 4 children to take over when alowing self time because SAHMs experience burn out too.. i have been on the orking side of things also and beinging home the income is as fulfilling as dealing with my children..

  7. by Kris

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Maybe we could all learn to appreciate one another more and the diversity in our life choices and celebrate more rather than thinking that we have to justify/prove ourselves through comparison or judgment. Ahhh, sounds good. I am in.

  8. by Megan

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    As a stay-at-home mom, I have to say Jill, I completely agree with you. Why do Mom’s ALWAYS have to argue that their way is better. It happens with breast vs bottle feeding, attachment parenting, sleep training, commercial vs home-cooked food, and the list goes on. I am so thrilled, blessed, and delighted to stay home and raise my daughter. I also take care of the house and the meals. Those are my main jobs, my main focus. For me, it was never even a decision. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, period. That is what makes me happy. But for me to tell every mom that they HAVE to or SHOULD choose my life-style is equivalent to me saying that everyone should be Catholic, since I am. Or everyone should choose to have their children 1.5 years apart, because I am. Or everyone should prefer Hazelnut coffee over regular, because I do. It’s time for moms to get real, and respect one another’s choices and decisions. And as a SAHM who also takes care of a friend’s daughter twice a week (for money….which might mean some SAHM’s consider me not a true SAHM??) I would never think of depleting the diaper bag without refilling it. However, my own daughter’s bag is often completely bare when I am ready to leave the house, and I end up being late because I need to take the time to fill it…

  9. by Carly

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Why the debate?

    Consider the phrases you used in the end of this post. “It makes them a better MOM.” and “And I guarantee I’m a better parent because of it.”

    To those of us who choose to focus fully on raising our children, we know intellectually that you are most likely mean “better” compared to the kind of mother YOU would be without a paying job. But we can’t help but hear the implication that we, too, could be “better moms” if we had a job and a nanny.

  10. by Jaime

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    I didn’t comment on the first of your 3 part series, but I read it and was intruiged. The series hit a soft spot. I used to babysit a little boy in my home, who is the same age as my oldest daughter. Me being a SAHM and her a 10-hour a day working mom, we each had to respect each other. Some days she envied me, and some days I envied her. LOL. Both sides have their advantages and disadvantages. It’s a personal choice. There shouldn’t be so much hostility between the two. We all work hard and are trying to raise our children the best way we know how. Whether we have a job or stay home full time.

    I’m sorry you got such rude comments. Keep being a good mom!!! The only opinion on parenting that really matters is the one you get from your little girl when she looks at you with love in her eyes
    (And I really hope that mom found her childs blanket. Made me soo sad that it was lost)

  11. by Jantina Wennerstrom

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    LOVE LOVE LOVE that you said this b/c it is who I am and it took me a long time to get over the SAHM guilt cannon that was fired at me for owning this trait proudly… “Some by choice, others because they need to feed and clothe their children. And guess what my friends who do it by choice say? It makes them a better MOM. That’s right. It is their way of getting balance and perspective, and space to breathe.”

    Thanks for the post!!!!
    ~Jantina (mom to a 4, 3 and 1 year old)

  12. by Mae

    On June 23, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    As a SAHM who has been a working mom, I don’t judge you in the slightest for working outside the home or hiring a sitter to care for your child or even complaining about that sitter when she looses your child’s things. Like you pointed out, it’s their job to watch your child and keep up with her stuff! But I can tell you that some working moms are just as quick to attack stay-at-home moms as some stay-at-home moms are to attack working moms. I think it’s a question of feeling inadequate or guilty for not being able to do it all. I love being at home with my kids every day and with my husband’s work schedule it’s the best fit for our family but sometimes I feel like I should be out there earning a paycheck and giving my kids an example of a strong woman using her brains to better the world. When I was working I agonized because I was missing irreplaceable moments in my child’s life and I felt like a failure because I wasn’t there to shape and share in every minute of my son’s early life. Was I a bad mom for working or am I bad mom for staying home? No. But I have a feeling it’s that same kind of guilt that makes one mom lash out at another mom simply for doing things differently.

  13. by Katie

    On June 23, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Being that I’ve been in childcare since I was old enough to babysit (over two decades worth now) and living in all the different areas I have, I have seen it all..Working moms, stay at home moms,work at home parents, stay at home parents who choose to have the extra help anyway, etc. etc.. and the list goes on. One thing I’ve noticed with ALL of my job situations, the kids KNOW their parents love them. Even those whose parents are gone all day. I also know that even those parents I’ve worked for at home and have had me watch their chihldren while they work or run errands don’t know any more or less than any other parent (although, I have had parents who know less about their kids than me, no matter how much I try to include them in every milestone or critical step of their lives). That being said, there should be no argument about the working mom and SAHM, or the working from home parent either. On to the real issue now. From what I just mentioned up above (the knowing more than a lot of my parents do a times), I’d like to hit on the babysitter issue. I read Part 1 and almost replied but found that it was pretty much addressed with other comments so my one would just be adding pointless reading. But reading Part 2 and 3 made it much harder for me to not say something. I love my work and work hard to make every situation I’m in work for both me and the parents in a side by side kind of environment. OK,on to the babysitters…Yes, babysitters are human too. They will lose cups, binkiies, leave behind wipes etc..BUT it is kind of part of any childcare givers responsibility to know and be aware of the important things.. LIKE BLANKIES. In all my years as a nanny I’ve come to know these things come second to the well being of the child(ren). Even without a checklist, when I walk out of the door, these are the items I make a mental note to keep my eyes on as well as the child. It’s a given for me. And before we move to a different area or leave for home, these are the first things I make sure have. As far as the restocking of the diaper bag, I’ve always lived by the “you put it in, you take it out and vice versa” rule. If I add things to the bag that aren’t a regular part of the stocking list, such as cups, bowls, spoons, pretty much anything that will need to be cleaned, I make it my responsibility to take it out and if I take a diaper out or use the wipes up,I make it my duty to restock before I leave or notify the parent if such items cannot be found. I’ve been doing this so long I have my own checklist which sometimes adds items some parents have never thought of so I think that has helped me. But those new to the whole babysitte/nanny career may need those lists and instructions set out in front of them. Even if common sense should tell them it’ the right thing to do from the start. And I also make it part of my job to double check before I walk out of the door, because there are those moments when someone has to slip out of the door quickly or comes home with a sleeping child so the bag gets forgotten in the long run. Totally understandable as long as it’s not an ongoing issue for either party.

  14. by Sarah

    On June 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I read all three parts of this saga of yours, and I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your sitters should do their job; it’s what you are paying them to do. If an empty diaper bag upsets you, then your sitters should be aware of that. If Julia made it clear that the blanket was important, her sitter should have been mortified that it was lost on her watch.

    As far as this battle between stay at home moms and working moms goes… well, I think that it’s ridiculous. We live in a society in which women have a choice about how their children are raised. We can choose to stay at home, if we can afford it; we can choose to work outside the home; we can choose to work from home; we can choose to homeschool. I think that we should be thrilled that the decision is ours (and our partner’s, if s/he is present), and respect the decisions of others.

    I personally work almost full-time from home as a researcher. My son gets plenty of attention, and plenty of time to crawl around independently. However, if I find a better-paying job outside our home,I will take it and not feel guilty about it.

    I will admit that I feel slightly superior to some mothers because I use cloth diapers. I am not proud of this, and I (hope) don’t let anyone see it… but other than that ridiculous feeling that I can’t tamp down, I feel like we’re all just figuring it out. The cloth diapers are the one thing that I know beyond a doubt that I’m doing right (and have control over); everything else is just muddling through each day and hoping that I’m doing okay.

    Anyway, I rarely comment on blogs, but I feel like we all live this debate everyday, and the more we talk about it, the more we understand each other.

  15. by Kim

    On June 23, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    I’ve also read all 3 parts of this saga, and I do think it’s ridiculous how some people responded. There’s no need to make personal attacks because you are a little peeved with your sitters.

    I’m another one who falls between a SAHM and a working mom. I work 10-15 hours a week as a cashier at Walmart, doing 5 hour shifts. I only work when my husband isn’t, though, so if I’m not watching my son, my husband is home with him. I still breastfeed (the 5 hour shifts were initially so I didn’t get engorged and now that my son is 8 months old, it’s because he doesn’t like to drink much from a bottle or sippy cup), I make my son’s food because he won’t eat the jarred stuff, and I make sure he has everything he needs. He doesn’t have cloth diapers because there’s honestly no upside to it environmentally, and I get mine SO cheap with coupons to where the price I’ve paid to diaper him so far is maybe only $50? I’m lucky to be in a position where I can work this little. Honestly, our budget could work without the extra money from my paycheck, but this way we can afford the little extras we like such as going out to eat with friends, taking a lot of day trips, and adding to our savings fund for all those things that always go wrong at the worst time. However, I’m a couponing mom and I save us enough money on everything that I make it where that is the case for us. If I paid $100 a week on groceries, I probably would need to work more, but since I might spend $25, that other $75 easily pays both our cell phone bills and buys a dinner out. We don’t have cable because we are perfectly fine waiting until the next night or whenever we have time together to watch a show online, and then we only watch things we want to watch. We spend quality time with our child. Do I feel good about the fact that no one watches our child but us? Yes. But once he’s old enough to point to us and call us Mommy and Daddy, that might change a little. We’re planning to have more children, and when they are older, I know we’ll both want some time off, and grandparents don’t get younger (they just feel it, according to our parents), so we will find a babysitter.

    All you can do is be the best parent you can be. As long as you’re comfortable with the choices you’ve made for your child, they’re probably the right ones.

  16. by Jennifer

    On June 23, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Reading your blog makes me realize that I’m not the only one that has had issues with SAHM and babysitters/ daycare. As a single mother I have no choice but to work so my 7mo old has to be in daycare. I recently lost my job and got a taste of SAHM and I loved it. He was with me all the time everywhere no matter what. I don’t consider it a job. It was a vacation. For a SAHM to put themselves above a working mom who needs child care while they work, maybe she isn’t happy with her choices. Misery loves company. Don’t let em’ get ya down! I love your blog and look forward to reading more!

  17. by Beth

    On June 23, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    I love your blog and was disappointed, but not surprised, by the beating your post received. I never planned on being a SAHM, but with two under the age of four with special needs that is where I am right now. I applaud you for the choices you have made for yourself. I think in order to be the best mom you can be, it is necessary to wear other hats. I want my kids to grow up to be well-rounded, not to estimate their worth as a person solely upon one role they play. They need to see me as more than just their mom. I may not work, but I do things outside the home. I volunteer, am active in our church women’s ministry, etc. It is vital to a mom’s sanity to be more than just a mom. Whether or not we choose to admit it, SAHMs envy working moms the chance to leave and have an adult life outside of the home. I think that is where a lot of the angst is rooted.

    By the way, Your expectations for your sitters are under what mine would be. You really don’t ask much of them.

  18. by Kristi

    On June 23, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Please don’t think we are all like that!!! lol I am a SAHM and I think it is wonderful if you can successfully do both. I have a 2 1/2 year old and I just finished my degree in May. I love being home with my son everyday and having so much time to teach him all the things that I want him to learn without worrying what he is picking up from daycare. However, my last semester of school was such a perfect balance that I actually think a part-time job would be fun and beneficial for us both. I was on campus for a few hours three days a week and my son would go to the daycare on campus as well. He loved that he had friends to play with and I loved that I got “Me” time. I’m sure you didn’t need my life story! lol But my point is that you know what is best for you and your family and anyone willing to be so hateful when they don’t even know you doesn’t need to be aknowledged!

  19. by courtney

    On June 24, 2011 at 8:27 am

    great points…i agree with you. i work because i have to, and i don’t think that makes me less of a mom or less able to talk about my child and parenting. i think it’s a real shame that people who have the ability to stay home with their children feel it is acceptable to judge others who don’t. they are lucky, can’t they just be happy with that? why does it have to be a competition? love the blog, keep it coming! :)

  20. by Minutiae

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    I’m so glad you posted this. I’ve felt similar discrimination from SAHM’s because I work a full time job. My daughter is in daycare, and will be an only child (I have an abnormality that I didn’t know about until I gave birth, and probably should have prevented me from having the one I have).

    Not only does working outside the home give me some perspective and space, but it is a great opportunity for her to spend time with other children in a social situation, and also for her to learn from sources other than her parents. There are pros and cons for both SAHMs and those of us that work, but it’s when we can’t respect each other’s choices and be supportive that we lose the plot altogether.

  21. by April

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I have done both and I don’t think anyone that does have to work out of the home and have children is wrong at all because we all have our own situations of why we do it. No one has the right to judge anyone for their parenting skills because I have not ever seen a perfect parent!

  22. by Amanda

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    I agree that Moms are supposed to be supportive of each other, and yet we usually end up being our own worst critics as you pointed out here. I was reading another blog website this week, and the topic was another hot one–breastfeeding vs. formula-feeding. The comments were mean, nasty, and degrading from both sides–much like the ones you mentioned here. I cancelled my subscription to the site and the magazine it was affliated with because of it. It is wonderful that we have differing opinions and that we are allowed to share them…but can’t we do so with RESPECT and KINDNESS? If you can’t, then I say you shouldn’t. And that’s just my opinion. Thank you, Jill, for your well-written blog…keep up the good work. :)

  23. by Mychelle

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I don’t know why others think they should control your life and parenting. I applaud you and all the other mothers like you. I’m a young single mom. I hear it all the time you need to do this and you need to do that. My two year old is doing great because I’ve done what I think is best. I go to college and am looking for a flexible job so that when my little one is with her sitter I can work hard to finish my things and get back to her as soon as I can because I don’t want to waste a second of my time with her. I don’t send her to a sitter because I don’t want to be with her or be a mom, I do it so I can make a living for us.

  24. by Jenn

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I just wanted to say that I have been a working mom, a WAHM and a SAHM but in every situation, I was still Mom to my boys. I find it very arrogant for someone to think, let alone say, that their parenting style/situation is the best for everyone. We all have to make choices in life and in parenting and who’s to say that their choice is the best for everyone?
    I appreciate you taking a stand for your choices while still encouraging us to learn from and encourage each other as mom’s.

  25. by Marlynn

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Wow..that is really some harsh words but I am not surprised!! Some mom’s who stay at home are not completely happy and some mom’s who work aren’t either those are usually the ones who comment like that! Should we bash each other for it..no way!!! I am a Teacher and lucky to be home for 3 months in the summer and long holidays! I do tutor extra during the year and worked on my Master’s Degree..I do this because I love my job and my kids and want them to see the importance of education as well as hard work..there is lots of ways to do this but this just the way that I can show them! I have been there for everything important in their lives and had family involved in helping when I couldn’t be there! I wish you the best and all my fellow mom’s out there whether working at home or outside the home! It’s a tough job!

  26. by Monica

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I get so tired of SAHM saying there jobs are just as hard as working moms. Just because we do not stay at home all day with our children, we have the same responsibilities and duties as everyone else. STOP COMPLAINING! Be grateful you have the opportunity. And those of you that do stay at home and embrace it then hats off to you! We need more moms like you out there.

  27. by ME

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I totally agree with you. I work full time from home, and get up at the crack of dawn to get 3 hours in before i spend time with her and get her off to preschool and race back home to work until she is done, then race to go get her and work after she goes to bed.

    I think alot of the little lost things can be overlooked as it just adds stress to an already stressed life. Buy extra if they have a favorite cup or hat in case they lose them… be preemptive.

  28. by Jen

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I think that like so many things, it comes down to psychology. Either the people lashing out are actually rather resentful that you are able to maintain a self identity (something that so many who strictly stay home struggle to hold onto (myself included!)), or any number of other factors. I have FTWM friends who envy my ability to stay home, and I have others who know it simply isn’t the choice for them. Quite frankly I would go nutty if I digressed to be a like one of those insects whose children absorb them… (what are those bugs?)

  29. by Morgan

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I hate being treated like I’m not a mom just because I don’t stay home with my son. Honestly I would LOVE to! But I can’t. It’s not financially possible for us–we do fine without my salary, but my salary definitely helps and keeps us from being ‘okay’ by the “skin of our teeth”–instead we’re ‘okay’ by a better margin. I have nothing against SAHM–in fact I’m pretty jealous of them on many many occasions. They can be with their child when he/she is sick and wanting Mommy…get stuff done and be there for their kids at whatever time…but me? I’m stuck only “being there” outside work hours…*sigh*

  30. by Mae

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I have been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. I love both. Right now I’m a stay at home mom out of necessity as my twins one has cancer and the other has seizures. I’ll admit, I get the total mom guilt thing going on some days because I feel useless, like I’m not contributing to the financial burden. However, I then think I AM contributing, I’m here with my babies daily loving and teaching them in this crucial time (they are all under 4) But I’m not going to lie, I can’t wait to go back to work. I was GLAD when my daughter started preschool, and I can’t wait for my sons to start preschool next fall. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids, or want to be with them. I just have no “me” time and for my sanity…I need it. I NEED my outlets. I don’t get a lot of adult conversation at home right now, and I miss that about working. There was a way to define myself out side of being a mom. I love being a mom and wouldn’t give it up for the world but I’m also more than just a mom. I’m a woman, sister, friend, and a creative person. When my first daughter was born my husband and I were able to work it where we had the same days off, but during the work week we took turns watching her. RARELY did we have to have a sitter, but it did happen from time to time. I do not think ANY less of a working mom or a stay at home mom. If you need a sitter, day care, nanny, whatever…do it. As long as that child is being taken care of and loved that’s all that matters. I’ve found my kids get tired of being around me ALL the time so it does them good to go across the street and visit the neighbor and her kids for an hour to play. They are so excited to see me when they come home. I think that was unfailr to someone to say you weren’t cut out to be a Mom because you have sitters and they are driving you a little crazy. (Although the sitters are only human ;) cut them a little slack, but I do understand your point!) I think you have every right ot have a parenting blog, there are MULTIPLE side to parenting and they all deserve to be seen. Some parents are parents to kids with medical issues (I have a child with cancer and one with seizures and one with a speech issue) that makes life different for us! Some moms work, some moms are single moms, there are working dads, extended families, adopted families, Gay or Lesbian families, families that travel all the time, etc etc. NO FAMILY IS ALIKE, NO FAMILY IS PERFECT! Keep on doing what you are doing. Your Fia is adorable.

  31. by Janine

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I agree, why can’t we all just get along? I think every person has such a unique experience when parenting that we all offer something valuable worth contributing to a community of mothers. If not for other moms I would have been 10x times harder diagnosing my daughters digestive problems. Working or Stay at home moms it makes no difference. You can be a stay at home mom who doesn’t pay attention to your kid 168 hours a week, too. Parenting is about the quality of time, not the quantity. For the record I am a stay at home mom, and now that my kids are older, I strive to be a working mom. Thanks for your post. I hope it opens some very closed minds.

  32. by Kathryn

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I’ve been a SAHM, a WOHM, and am back to being a SAHM/Full Time student.

    None of those things were easy, and none of them made me a better (or worse) parent.

    Women judge each other, and it’s really sad because we NEED each other.

    Beyond that, the most hurtful comments are the ones from sahm saying wohm don’t love/raise their own children, and from wohm telling sahm that they have no lives, contribute nothing to their families, or are on “vacation”.

    The bottomline is being a parent is hard. But it’s wonderful, too.

    Sorry you received so much flack — and I’ll say it again, people sure are ballsy….on the internet.

  33. by Heather Nations

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    There is such debate between mothers because people seem to think that because one mother does something differently from them and says “This is what works for ME” than that woman is somehow saying that any other choice is wrong. This is an all or nothing culture and people can’t see that sometimes being a SAHM is the right choice and sometimes being a working mom is the right choice. ANOTHER PERSON’S CHOICE ON PARENTING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM! There, that should clear things up for everyone :)

  34. by Priscilla

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I find it horribly offensive that men are never attacked for choosing to work outside the home. Women attack other women for their choices, but nary a word is said when a man would prefer to work outside the home rather than stay home with the kids. Double standard, anyone?

    As for me, I’ve worked outside the home and I’ve stayed at home with the kids… on any given day, my preference of the two changes.

    No judgement from me for either position, as they are both work. I’m glad you are standing up for yourself and your decisions against all the cranky people who are attacking you!

  35. by Carly

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    ALL moms are working moms. Some choose to stay at home, some choose to work & some don’t have a choice. Not all of us are geared to be at home with kids 24 hours a day. When I had a choice, I worked seasonally so I could get out of the house and provide year round health insurance that wasn’t reasonably available through my then husbands job. And when the divorce was happening, I went full time. To take care of my kids without government assistance and very little help from their ‘disneyland dad’. We all do what we have to and should not be so judgemental. It doesn’t make me a bad mom for working and it doesn’t make you a better mom for staying at home. Its a matter of what is best for us and our children.

  36. by Courtney

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Hi Jill,

    I’m sorry about the negative feedback you have received from lots of moms. Unfortunately, they probably don’t understand what it takes to be a “working mom” because they are SAHM’s. I started out as a SAHM for the first few months of my daughter’s life and after getting in a financial crunch was forced to go back to work. We live in Hawai’i, one of the most expensive places in the United States and we pay more rent than some people pay for a 4,000 square foot home in the mainland, so what was I supposed to do? I started back up bartending at night after my husband gets home from work, working until 3 a.m. and then getting up with my daughter at 7 a.m. I’m tired.
    That being said, I don’t think anyone should scrutinize someone else’s life or parenting because everyone’s situation (including financial) is different. I have met several SAHM’s that make parenting mistakes and do things that I don’t think it the “right” way, but I don’t tell them or make them feel like they’re not good enough parents. It’s rude, and you are doing everything you can for your child. 15 hours a week with a babysitter is not bad at all… and children need interaction with people other than just their parents.

    Keep doing what you’re doing and forget about all the other moms who scrutinize for reasons of their own. It’s takes a certain type of woman to balance marriage, parenting, and work all in one! And let’s face it, some of these SAHMs probably envy you for that.

  37. by Emily J

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Good for you, Jill! So happy to see you sticking up for yourself, your family and you child. I often think about how sad it is that mothers in particular are so quick to judge others mothers’ decisions. That does nothing but teach their own children to judge others who are different or who make different choices than their own. I have a full-time job AND I’m an excellent mother to two wonderful babies. They stay with a babysitter 3 days a week and a grandparent 2 days a week. Would I love to have some extra time at home? Sure! Would I give up my job? Nope. I have my own work, which I love, and I’m figuring out how to balance things day by day. I feel that I’m teaching my kids that they can have it all if that’s the path they choose. I refuse to judge other mommmies just because we don’t make the same decisions when it comes to how we raise, feed, teach, etc. our children!

  38. by Amy

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Ah the SAHM gotta love them for their own way of life. Thank goodness this is America and you can make choices to suit your lifestyle. My life style was have my kids (3 boys) early in life so I’m young enough to enjoy them (without worry of my body “breaking down”) and I will still be young enough for my retirement years to ease and comfort with out “lingering” (God would only hope that I raised them right they would be out on their own by then). I haven’t missed out on anything by working. You really can’t when you end up a single woman again caring for three small boys. I accommodated for that change then several years later accommodated for another change of remarrying and bringing in a 4th boy, my step-son.
    I had no choice but to work. I don’t owe anyone an explination as to why. My kids are teenagers and they know why I work and have never been neglected with things that matter, LOVE and KINDNESS. They will also learn from those things.

  39. by jdp

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    2 things.

    1) I don’t understand the purpose of posting a rant about specific sitters. Can’t be the only sitters in the world.

    2) Other people and their “opinions” only matter if you let them :) Makes parenting much easier if you are as choosey about what comments you let touch you are you are about what you let your toddler touch :)

  40. by Sue

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I’m a SAHM and am shocked by those negative comments from other SAHMs. I would never criticize a working mom for having sitters/nannies/daycare for their child; in fact, I think they are pretty amazing! I didn’t become a SAHM because I think mothers “should” stay home with their children, far from it; rather I just thought it would be too difficult for me to try to juggle both (I was exhausted every day after work, pre-child, and I couldn’t imagine finding the energy to take care of a child after a long day at the office; I tire easily and I’m not as good at multi-tasking as others are – I’m better at concentrating on one thing, etc). I have a tremendous amount of respect for working moms – I don’t know how you do it all! I don’t get why so many people are critical of working moms (but nobody seems to criticize working dads). It isn’t any of their business anyway! In fact, sometimes I think I am doing my child a disservice by being a SAHM – she doesn’t get to play with many children her age (I’ve tried to befriend the moms in my new neighborhood but it seems to be a closed circle so far) and half the time I’m so busy taking care of the new baby and trying to keep up with dishes and laundry that she doesn’t get as much attention and fun as I think she needs. Maybe she would be better off if I went back to work and placed her in daycare so she could play with other children and do fun activities and learning? (But I really don’t want my newborn in daycare, I really do feel she’s too young to be away from me). Anyway, I truly admire working moms – you show that you’ve achieved a balance and that’s great! I have no other life right now besides being a SAHM and sometimes it drives me crazy! Good luck to you and I’m sorry some of those comments were so rude!

  41. by Mama

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Really? Who doesn’t check their own diaperbag?

  42. by michelle

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I just finished reading all three parts of your blog at once, and it seems there are a bunch of issues. As a home daycare provider, I can tell you that taking care of children is all about organization. I take 6 children, all under the age of 5 (which is my legal limit in CT, only 2 under the age of 2) to the park, library, museums, and walking the local bike trail, and I rarely if ever loose anything. It seems you need to have a written contract with your nannys, stating exactly what you expect, and the consequences for not doing what you ask. You may love the flexability of having an on-call sitter, but only you can decide if having missing items, dirty cups, etc is worth having someone on call when you need her. I can agree with some of your points, but as my grandma used to say- poop or get off the pot. Either accept the shortcomings of your sitters, or get new ones. There is no middle ground.

  43. by Jennifer

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Hmm…while I agree that every parent should make the choices that are right for their family and should not be judged for that, I feel that your last article was overly critical and implied judgement of your own of SAHMs (yes, I stay home because I believe it to be the best situation for my children). I do not stay home because I do not need creative outlets or stimulation other than my children. I have encountered plenty of judgement from working mothers who feel that they are smarter and superior to moms who stay at home who are not smart or creative enough to get a job. I have been told “If I stayed at home, I would need to do something on the side to stimulate my brain.” I sacrifice a lot to stay home because I do believe it to be best for my children. I am an intelligent motivated woman who pours that into activities and projects with my little ones. I don’t judge women to work outside of the home, but I do think I deserve their respect and should not ever be treated as an inferior woman.

  44. by Julie

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I think it takes a community to raise a child, and having a sitter or two is part of that community. I am a SAHM but I babysit other kids as my job. I still have my friends or family watch my child from time to time because I know that having time to myself is good for me and my child. It makes me a better mom and all around better person to have that child free time. And having a sitter is what gives you that free time. Good for you for taking time out during the week to do the things you want or need to do! Also time away from your child is better for your child, since you will not always be there for them every second of every day. It helps teach them early on that mommy and daddy are not the only ones that can take good care of you. It will be a blessing come those first days of preschool and kindergarten!

  45. by Ashley

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    There is nothing wrong with either side of the fence here and letting what those people say get to you is silly. All that matters is a healthy happy child and a mothers sanity lol

  46. by JoAnna

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Didn’t read the 1st 2 but this one caught my eye. Shame on moms for passing judgement. We should all be each others cheerleaders whether we are sahm, working or doing both. I do both. I have a full time business out of my home and raising my son. It’s not easy and there are days that I wish I had a sitter but i juggle cause i have that flexibility to do it. I think those that are hating on others are just miserable in there own life and jealous. I will say I had my son at 35 and have worked since I was 16 so I had a hard time thinking that I wouldn’t work. I quit my job and was unemployed for 11 months when my son was born and then created my own Business so that I could have the best of both worlds. Each to their own and what works best for them and there family. If you have the means and finance to stay at home good for you but if you have to go back to work to help pay bills good for you. Take responsibility where it’s due whatever your choice is. Every mom should pat herself on the back for a job well done.

  47. by Emma

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    I commented on the first blog about your sitters, (not too harshly I don’t think :) ) and I read through some of the comments, but unfortunately missed the ones bashing working mothers. I’m so glad you chose to write a part 2 (although the blankie story made me so upset for that little one) and I’m LOVING the part 3!! It is so incredibly appalling that a woman who lives in the 21st century would judge another woman for being both career and family-oriented! We could change some things around if I wanted to stay home, but I don’t want to be a SAHM. I think it’s wonderful if you are able and that’s what you desire, but I am working hard to finish school and reach some of my personal goals that I made before I had a child. There is NOTHING wrong with bettering myself and setting an example like that for my daughter. And guess what? My daughter goes to -gasp!- DAYCARE! I know, it’s horrifying (sarcasm.) But my 19 month old can say her abc’s (ok, only understandable to us lol), is almost entirely pottytrained and actually claps in excitement when we pull up to the school in the morning! She has her own little friends and is well-adjusted and extremely happy. There are always downsides to any situation but I really believe that the judgmental, rude commenters are jealous that you are balancing career and family. You are allowed to pursue your career goals AND take care of your household and child! I am proud to be doing both.

  48. by Sara W.

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I have to admit, although you don’t strike me as an uninvolved mom, some moms who work long hours outside the home and leave their children with strangers (as opposed to Dad or family) by CHOICE confuse or sadden me. Why did they have children if they didn’t want to be with them? I really don’t get it.

  49. by Cassi

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    All I can say is shame on those moms who judge you for your choices. I have been a sahm for 12 years now and while i would not trade my experiences for anything, there are times where i wonder if I didn’t miss out. I am also facing the prospect of single parent hood right now and have next to no experiences in the work force because of my choice to be a sahm. I think moms that work show their kids that they can be a mom and an individual all at the same time and frequently by working they are giving their children more choices in where they can go with their futures. Kudos to you for managing to pull off as close to the prefect combination of the two I have seen.

  50. by Rebekah

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    I’m like your friend, I am a terrific mom because I work outside the home. I have 3 kids and work for a large company located in my hometown which company allows for 20 hours a year for volunteering during working hours. I spend those 20 hours, plus lunch time, etc. at my children’s schools. In addition I’m my daughter Girl Scout Troop Leader and my son’s parent representative in his class. I’ve learned to juggle my career and my family and I’m proud of that. Sounds to me you’ve done the same. Some mom’s are SAHM, some WOHM and some WAHM it’s what WORKS for them – all moms work (have jobs). No mom should judge another because of the choices she has made. What works for some may not work for others, we are all individuals. Be happy and proud with the decisions you’ve made and you and your family will be better off knowing that!

  51. by Crystal

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Jill,

    I think that the SAHM moms you’ve encountered with such nasty opinions of what other mothers do, should probably get off of the computer and pay more attention to their children! As for the rest of us who believe that it is OK to have a life outside of child rearing, I say bravo for being able to find the time do it all.

    I am a SAHM, who has been a working mom, and I am a full time student as well. I LOVE staying home with my daughter and I am grateful that my significant other has taken the full brunt of our financial security on his shoulders. I know he has all of the stresses of work to deal with, but still takes time to be with his children every single day.

    What is so different about a woman doing this as well? I must say, I have been looking for opportunities to work from home while I am here with my daughter to help with the bills, good for you for finding something that works well for you and yours.

    On a final note, I get a babysitter at least once every couple of weeks so that my partner and I can go blow off some steam and have fun without the kids, and we are happier, healthier, and better parents because of it.

  52. by Jennifer H

    On June 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Hi Jill,

    I can only liken things to this: I can’t stand it when moms who work full-time outside of the house try to pretend that they raise their children with as much effort as I do. That is deeply insulting. It’s as if I were to tell my full-time colleagues that even though I work part-time hours I work just as hard as they do at work. Yes, it is hard work squeezing in my 25 hours a week during naptimes and at night, but I am NOT working my job as hard as they are. And, when it comes to parenting any woman who has had a child thinks that they are a great mom who works hard. But, being that stay-at-home moms rarely get any outside recognition or acknowledgement for their hard work, it really annoys us when someone who does NOT spend full time hours, every single day with their child tries to pretend they are working just as hard as us at PARENTING. Your children are learning from their sitters and there is nothing wrong with that, but women who work have to admit that they are you are NOT parenting their own children as much as a stay-at-home mom parents her children. It’s just a fact and there is nothing wrong with that except when moms who feel guilty about doing so, don’t like to hear that fact and try to come up with justifications like, “it’s quality not quantity”, etc. Because then that is a back-hand negative comment on stay-at-home moms that although they have the quantity of time, they might not be as quailty. It’s a very sensitive topic and it’s because we are NOT all the same. There are different mommy groups for this reason. Mommies who are home full-time with no outlet have different issues than moms who work part-time and the same for moms who work full time. Please respect our individuality and do not lump us into the same category as “moms”. For some of us are “mom” title is the only one we have and we carry more weight with it.

  53. by michaela

    On June 24, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Sara w…for your information I LOVE my little boy and would LOVE to be with him…but there are those of us who have any other choice than dropping their little ones off with strangers. We both need to work and we dont have family who are home and can take of our boy! …and btw…I LOVE where we take our boy and they have become like family ; )

  54. by cassiemoun

    On June 24, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    If you are a loving parent who takes seriously, the enormous responsibility of raising a child and you do your best to be the best parent that you can be and to help your child grow to their potential – it doesn’t matter about the details of work versus home, hours spent versus quality time – none of that matters if the above is true. Your kids will be OK. They will know they are loved and valued and you ARE A WONDERFUL PARENT!

  55. by Karen

    On June 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    WOW.
    1. NO ONE knows how to raise your child but you. If your child is healthy, clean, cared for, fed, and most of all loved, thats really all that matters.
    2. Sitters are human. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw anything!
    3. I am a SAHM. I was, until Feb 2011, a working mom. I worked 40 to 50 hours a week and had a 2 hour round trip commute. My child was in daycare (OH THE HORROR) and my kid is turning out just fine. Daycare wasn’t perfect either. I came home with jackets that didn’t belong to me, blankets that were ruined and a child that had eaten nothing but processed food all day, but in the end. She is fine.
    4. I applaud you for opening up and being honest. You are a mom, the way you and your family have designed it, and you are being loud about it. There is NO RIGHT WAY, only your way or my way, or their way, and it all comes down to how well you are doing with what you have designed. I think you are doing just fine.

  56. by CMF

    On June 24, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Hi Jill,

    Ok, I know my comments are a little late, but I’ve been following your story since the first part and just now had time to comment (as I sit here with my 8 month old daughter) :-)

    Right now I am a SAHM (both by choice, and bc of the crappy economy), but I know at some point I am going back to work and will need a sitter.

    When I read your story, I was like, “Are you kidding me? Sitter losing stuff, leaving dirty bottles in the bag and not refilling the diapers?!!!” Come on! That is just a BAD sitter! It is definitely NOT too much to ask of them. What especially gets me is the losing stuff part! That just means they are not paying attention, and isn’t that really what you are paying them for?

    I also hate the SAHM vs WM fight. Everyone is different, and that’s not a bad thing. I don’t think people should look down on or judge someone for doing what they love (working in or out of the home). Everyone has something to offer this world, whether it’s running a household or a company, it’s all important.

    Keep on doing what you are doing, but GET A NEW, MORE RESPONSIBLE SITTER!!! :-)

    Have a great day!

  57. by Lauren

    On June 24, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    I am a SAHM and I have my own “Parenting Blog” (mostly to journal about the crazy things my kids do, but has a little of everything) …but I would never say that you can’t write a parenting blog if you’re not home every hour of every day. There are all kinds of parents, those that work and those that don’t, those that are are overseas and those that go to school, they are young and old – the only thing that should probably be a requirement is that you have kids…unless you want to blog about your cats…

    Even though I am a SAHM, I am actually looking for a job. I love being at home with my kids, but due to family circumstances it may be required soon….which means that I would be a bad mom if I didn’t look for another way to take care of my family!

    I say – you’r blog is beautiful, so is your child and your own story. Keep on working and being a great mama!

  58. by Cami

    On June 24, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I’m sorry you recieved negative feedback. Unfortunately that’s the nature of the ‘public blog’ beast, especially when featured by a national magazine. I’m also sad to read some of the comments even on this post calling for mutual respect. I know you don’t refer to all SAHM as you indicated, but it comes across that it’s felt this attitude of sahm’s is the norm, not the exception. I think the majority do not feel that way and have felt the same negativity from the ‘other side’ as you indicated as well. Especially when refering to mom’s who chose to work outside the home: “It makes them a better MOM. That’s right. It is their way of getting balance and perspective, and space to breathe.” I don’t think one way or the other makes you a better mom, it’s who you are that makes you a wonderful mom. Your child will love you for who you are and what you can do. To compare each other to ourselves, or ourselves to each other will never solve anything. I stay at home out of choice, but have recieved feedback that maybe that’s ‘all I can do’ even though that person doesn’t know that I am college grad, have worked in multiple levels of politics, and successfully ran two businesses from home. If we stop thinking that all or most sahm are pretentious prits who think they know everything, are too lazy to work outside of the home, or couldn’t get a job, and stop thinking that all wahm or work outside the home moms are selfish and don’t care about their children and are more concerned about their own development, than the world will be a much happier place.

  59. by EmilyA

    On June 24, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I saw this blog posted on my facebook wall and went back and read all three parts and I think that maybe the tone of the first (and second a little as well) might have set off anyone who works in childcare. Firstly I really hope that your sitters don’t read this blog because as a child care provider I would be MORTIFIED and a little offended if my faults were broadcast to a large audience especially if they hadn’t been brought to me privately first. Also I think in a relationship where the parties respect each other why can’t you simply say, as part of your job would you please make sure that you refill the diaper bag? If they refuse and this is a huge sticking point for you then they aren’t a good fit. Child care providers are often treated as though the job they do is inferior and that any idiot could do it and it is in fact not challenging at all. This is offensive to the child care provider and not true. Taking care, teaching, loving, entertaining, and everything that goes with it is a challenging job. I have never been able to be a full time stay at home Mom, but I hope that someday I will be able to because I would love to be able to spend more time with my children. I don’t think women should judge each other for their choices because it’s often more complicated than good versus bad. I certainly hope your situation with the sitters improve!

  60. by Tiffany

    On June 24, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Wow. I couldn’t even get through all of the comments. And some of them are awesome displays of non-judgmental moms giving great encouragement. Other comments, however, are wonderfully laced with backhanded comments “I know I’m superior because I use cloth diapers” and “SAHMs are just jealous that they can’t go out into the world and have a real adult life”.

    Are you kidding me?

    Here we are, commenting on a post about how moms shouldn’t be judging each other based on their decisions and crap like this comes spewing out?

    I’m an “in-betweener”, too. I work 8-12 hrs per week and my husband watches our son when I do, so we don’t do daycare or sitters. Sometimes, I’m even able to bring him with me to work, depending on what I have to do that day. I like my choice because I feel like I’m completely a SAHM who has the luxury of working a little bit.

    That said, I can appreciate both sides of the spectrum and I get equally annoyed with the judgements that the other side makes.

    Here’s a great idea… focus on being the best mom you can be & stop trying to squash your own insecurities by trying to make other people feel bad.

    (Didn’t we learn that lesson in grade school?)

    Thanks for your wonderful post!

  61. by dalia

    On June 24, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    I still can’t get over the lost blanket! That pic makes me want to cry : (

  62. by Julia

    On June 24, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Ohmylord, I’m sorry, but that last comment you quoted is absurd.

    No one should ever have a mom blog unless they’re a stay-at-home mom? Yeah, who wants to read about a mom who works outside the home anyway? We don’t know anything about being a mom. We’re not REAL moms, right?

    I would not be happy or fulfilled if I did not have a career outside my daughter, and I am not ashamed to admit that. No one should be.

  63. by Sarah

    On June 24, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    I just read Tiffany’s response, and am a little put off by the blatant misinterpretation of my comment. I most certainly did not say that I know I am superior because I use cloth diapers-I said that I sometimes feel superior because of that, and that I realize how small minded that is. I was trying to give an example of how no matter how open-minded I am, there is still part of me that feels that way. Again, I’m not proud of it. But at least I know that is one of my many faults…

    This is why I rarely comment on blogs. Jill, you are a braver woman than I… and I truly admire you for responding with grace and respect to the criticisms (and misinterpretations) of others.

  64. by Amy

    On June 24, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I agree that people have this air today that it’s totally ok to push their opinion down your throat…I work part time ( which I’m sure displeases the Mom in law) I was considering not having children, so I feel the pain of the one posting lady, now I’d like to add two more discrimination topics: I didn’t breastfeed ( gasp) and I am only having one beautiful daughter ( again gasp) …when asked why I don’t want to be a baby factory I try to explain that I was terribly sick with my baby and also she is not a potato chip, I can have just one! She is not just one of a litter and I am not a…( dog, cat,rabbit etc) . You should see the looks I get about all that!

  65. by Tiffany

    On June 24, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    I didn’t misrepresent you. If you feel that that comment didn’t represent your beliefs or feelings very well, it was because you put it out there, not me.

    Sorry you feel that you can’t comment on blogs, but it really wasn’t a nice thing to say, whether you realize the small-mindedness of it or not. We all have those things that we are ashamed of thinking or feeling when it comes to our parenting. However, comments like that simply don’t go over as you being penitent; they come off as you putting your superiority out there. Sorry if I offended you, but I called it like I saw it.

  66. by Michelle

    On June 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I am sorry for the negativity your posts received, even the recent comment by the Mom who questioned if you saying you’re a better mom means you are saying you are better than SAHMs. I feel sorry for those insecure people. I was fortunate to be able to go part time at my job at a large insurance company when my son was born. I went back full time when his Dad left when he was 2. Since then my son has been diagnosed with Autism and Epilepsy. I educated myself on working with kids with Autism when I took a leave from work, even getting a 2nd Master’s along the way. I now make enough money helping others while working part time so I have the best of both worlds. I never miss a school function and I don’t have a sitter. But you know what? I still get slack by SAHMs that “don’t get it.” They’re the same ones that are depressed when all their kids are in school and they have “nothing to do.” My new husband makes 6 figures and I still choose to work while my son is at school. It is truly rewarding and I am fortunate to do something that I love. If I wasn’t doing this, I would volunteer my time. Being home alone would make me go crazy.

  67. by Mary Helen Sheriff

    On June 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Every mom has weighed her options and considered her situation and made what she feels like is the best decision for herself and her family. Whether she chooses to stay home or work or some combination of the two, she’s had to sacrifice something. Which means that those who choose differently have made different sacrifices and so they have the very thing you’ve given up and that is hard too swallow. We all love our children and do the best we can by them. But we are all different and have different need so we don’t make the same choices and that should be okay. We need to stop tearing each other down and instead build each other up. Thanks for tackling such a tough topic.

  68. by Liz

    On June 27, 2011 at 7:25 am

    The bottom line is that everybody should respect others choices. I used to work before becoming a mom and loved it. After my babies were born I didn’t want to miss a thing. I get comments that imply I’m wasting my life staying at home all the time so meaness goes both ways. I feel it’s specially sad that women feel so entitled to criticize other women. Be happy if you haven’t had to deal with a mommy click. We women need to stop this nonsense and start supporting each other, stick out for each other. Wish you the best!

  69. by Ashley

    On June 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    As your former babysitter for the adorable Fia before you moved, I was very intrigued by these blog posts and also pretty surprised. Along with babysitting Fia, I’ve also sat for numerous other families and have yet to lose or misplace any of the children’s toys. It’s not too much to ask the sitter to do what is their job, and they really shouldn’t need to be told more than once what their responsibilities are. Especially since you aren’t asking for much (it’s not like you’re having them go out to a farmers market to pick up organic fruits and vegetables and puree baby food) and since you’re so lovely to work for! I absolutely loved when I would come over to babysit Fia and also spend time chatting with you. You’re an incredible mom and deserve nothing less than an incredible babysitter. Give Fia a hug for me and good luck with the sitter situation!

  70. by Patty

    On July 7, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    I am a full time mom – and work part time. I am blessed to have an incredible boss who encourages me to bring my son go work (home based business). I am the only employee, besides the owner, so there is a lot of pressure to get my work done. At first, it was a great idea and very easy to manage, but my 18 month old now requires more play time, attention and focus, and it’s becoming a mission to juggle both jobs at the same time. So like you, I will be finding a sitter for a few hours. In my opinion, this will be the BEST decision for my son, who will receive all the attention he DESERVES, and for my job which will be smoother and quicker! As far as getting “balance and perspective, and space to breathe”, I couldn’t agree with you more! Being a mom IS a lot of work, and a few hours of some me time will definitely strengthen our relationship. Keep on doing what you’re doing!

  71. by Tana Zoller

    On July 11, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    I love this blog! I cannot even BELIEVE the audacity of some Moms. :( You’re right. We are supposed to all be a part of the “Mommy Club” & cheer eachother on when the need arises. Whether you’re a full-time SAHM Mom, a part-time WOHM or whatever…it doesn’t matter. You’re MOM. I worked as a professional for many years until I was able to make ends (barely) meet to stay home w/ my kids. A WAHM & A SAHM have perks and downfalls. Do I wish I could eat lunch on the lake somewhere BY MYSELF & get paid for it? Yep. But, do I LOVE sharing a lunch w/ some of the cutest kids in the world? Even if I end up wearing their lunch 9 out of 10 times? Yep. You go, girl. Forget the nay-sayers…you’re a Mom…and that smile on your baby’s face says “I’m happy my Mom loves me.”

  72. by DONNA WALROND

    On August 2, 2011 at 10:13 am

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  75. by Carrie

    On March 10, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    I agree that it’s not very nice for SAHMother’s to be making comments about your family choices, but make note that it goes both ways. I am a SAHM and I have been on the other end receiving comments like, “I could NEVER give up my career and stay at home, I’ve worked too hard to get where I am,” or “SAHM’s just stop taking care of themselves,” which I have heard in a locker room. I have the solution to this problem of SAHM’s vs. PWM (professional working moms?) First of all, as a mother, make sure whatever you decide that you are 100% confident that it is the best thing you are doing for yourself and your family. And then secondly, realize that your decision is best for you and it may not be best for everyone else. If you do the first part, you’ll never be offended and if you do the second part, you’ll never offend.

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