Thursday, September 12th, 2013
2 years, 9 month.
They say that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone- that it’s easier to take good things for granted when you’re accustomed to them always being there.
Whoever “they” are, I think they make a good point about life.
I don’t want this to be the case with you. I don’t want to take you for granted.
This may sound morbid, but sporadically, I go to a very dark place in my mind, and imagine what life would be like if, suddenly, you weren’t here anymore.
I do believe in a literal hell. And for me, the dark and desperately lonely place in my mind of a life without you in it, is as close to the literal hell as I ever plan to be.
Yet I force myself to go there. I think it’s important for me to go through that mental and psychological exercise.
It’s almost as if I’m subconciously trying to jinx ever losing you, by doing this. It’s my way of feeling I can control the situation.
Though I know I can’t.
I realize it’s not that easy. I realize it’s not up to me; that every day you’re here is a gift from God.
Maybe this helps me understand why I like the movie, Vanilla Sky, with Tom Cruise, so much. Every time I watch it, I have this greater appreciation for my life being how it is right now.
It’s not tainted or maimed by some big tragedy. By now, I’ve finally had some events in my life that have scarred me a bit, but they haven’t cast a forever shadow like losing you would do.
There is more than one way to say, “I love you.”
I hope you can see that all this is just another weird way to say it.
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Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
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One of my favorite movies of all time is Vanilla Sky, starring Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, and Penelope Cruz. Most people I know have never even seen it, or if they have, they didn’t “get it.” But for me, it’s one of those rare beautiful movies that helps me appreciate life more every time I watch it. My favorite quote from Vanilla Sky is said by Jason Lee, who plays Brian Shelby:
“You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you’ll know what love truly is. It’s the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.”
Life is not typically so permanently polarized one way or the other. There are good days and bad days. There are days when by default it’s easier to focus on the negative, which coincidentally are the times I realize my thoughts are very self-centered. And of course there are days when by default it’s easier to focus on the positive, which unsurprisingly are often the times I realize my thoughts are focused outwardly- towards others and the world outside of my head. On top of how negatively or positively or inwardly or outwardly each day is going, there are additionally daily circumstantial events which often direct how life will be that particular day.
So for me, the phrase “for better or for worse” in our traditional marriage ceremonies misses the mark a bit. Because the reality of marriage is that there are “better days,” “worse days,” and all of what’s in between. ”For better or for worse” almost implies that life will either turn out one way or the other. Sure, there are extreme better or worse ways life could turn out, but likely, life will be filled with both better and worse times- not either/or.
But whereas whom we marry is completely our own choice (at least in America it is), my son didn’t choose to be born into this world. Ultimately, my wife and I had a major part in making that decision. I am Jack’s father, for better and for worse. There will be a lot of things I do right in parenting him. And there will be plenty of times, when despite my best efforts, I fall short or even fail completely.
It helps knowing that even my best will be nowhere near perfect and that even my worst will be nowhere near tragic. I am a dad, for better and for worse. For sweet and for sour.