Thursday, September 12th, 2013
2 years, 9 month.
They say that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone- that it’s easier to take good things for granted when you’re accustomed to them always being there.
Whoever “they” are, I think they make a good point about life.
I don’t want this to be the case with you. I don’t want to take you for granted.
This may sound morbid, but sporadically, I go to a very dark place in my mind, and imagine what life would be like if, suddenly, you weren’t here anymore.
I do believe in a literal hell. And for me, the dark and desperately lonely place in my mind of a life without you in it, is as close to the literal hell as I ever plan to be.
Yet I force myself to go there. I think it’s important for me to go through that mental and psychological exercise.
It’s almost as if I’m subconciously trying to jinx ever losing you, by doing this. It’s my way of feeling I can control the situation.
Though I know I can’t.
I realize it’s not that easy. I realize it’s not up to me; that every day you’re here is a gift from God.
Maybe this helps me understand why I like the movie, Vanilla Sky, with Tom Cruise, so much. Every time I watch it, I have this greater appreciation for my life being how it is right now.
It’s not tainted or maimed by some big tragedy. By now, I’ve finally had some events in my life that have scarred me a bit, but they haven’t cast a forever shadow like losing you would do.
There is more than one way to say, “I love you.”
I hope you can see that all this is just another weird way to say it.
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