Sunday, March 4th, 2012
Today I lend my “dadvice” to a 30-something year-old dad with a preschooler and a toddler who admits his wife just isn’t interested in having sex with him:
“My wife has absolutely NO desire for sex, even if we have the time. She’d rather do something else she can’t while the kids are awake. How do I not take this personally? Our sex life prior to kids was always fine, although she did have same issue after our first born and then she was soon pregnant again!
I want her to enjoy it but I can tell she has yet to get there. When we do have sex, I can tell she just wants it to be hurried up and done with, if you know what I mean! I know this is super personal… but guessing we’re not the only couple dealing with this issue.”
After all, no sex for a man is the female equivalent of a husband not listening to his wife tell him about her day and not helping at all with the housework or the kids. It’s devastating and demoralizing for the guy. So let me help you.
I say that “no desire for sex” is a symptom of a bigger problem: She feels overwhelmed and needs to “break free from reality,” as Kenny Chesney puts it in his newest song. Until that can begin happening on a normal basis, she will never really have the psychological capacity for meaningful sex.
So it’s your job as the man to take charge of the situation; because it won’t be her that’s going to address this issue.
There’s somewhat of a downward vicious cycle in the case of “we’re not having sex anymore not that we have kids.” Dad is frustrated because he is so stressed from being a parent that he needs sex as a release. Mom is frustrated because she is so stressed from being a parent that she needs a release that doesn’t involve sex to even want to have to sex.
Bummer for both parties.
My first recommendation is to read another “Dadvice” article I did recently called Dadvice: Why Doesn’t My Husband Help More With Baby and Chores? I want to be sure that she doesn’t feel like she’s doing all the work as a parent and I want to make sure you have communicated with her that it’s important to help meet her expectations of you as a spouse and dad.
After you have applied that dadvice, it’s time for you and her to have a talk. Here’s the formula:
1. Acknowledge to her that even with all your help with the chores and the kids, she still needs exclusive time to herself. Then present your plan to make that happen for her on a weekly basis. It may mean sending her out on a Saturday afternoon to go shopping while you stay home with the kids. Or it could be the opposite: You take the kids out for the afternoon while she chills out at the house. Either way, give her designated time to herself which she can look forward to at least once a week where she can just relax.
2. Refer to the song “Remind Me” by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, letting her know that you are going to be reminding her of those more romantic days, starting now. Let her know that it’s not okay with you that you two become like Raymond and Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond. Assure her that you want the two of you to end up being that sweet old couple still holding hands in public.
3. Explain to her the importance of having quality time with her throughout the week in ways that don’t involve sex; but instead, meaningful conversations beyond those that occur during the commercials between American Idol. Help distract her from “real life.” Try reading a book together before you go to bed; maybe even a book on communication in marriage. I have to believe she will appreciate your sincere efforts to strengthen your relationship like that.
It’s not a matter of her not being physically attracted to you or a need for Spanish fly. You just have to be able to take control of this situation by confronting the real issue, which is not sex; but instead everything preventing her from even thinking about sex.
Would you like to ask me for “dadvice” to be featured here on The Dadabase?
Just shoot me an email to nickshell1983@hotmail with the word “dadvice” in the subject line so I’ll know it’s not spam. Even if I decide not to use your question as part of my Dadvice franchise, I’ll still at least privately answer you; whether you’re a mom or dad.
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Sunday, August 28th, 2011
Sex sells; so does the idea of empowerment to women.
As the author of The Dadabase, I have made it clear that my mission is to positively re-brand fatherhood. In part, what that means is that I am attempting to undo the negative imaging of dads due to both A) lousy, absent, abusive dads throughout history and B) idiotic bozo examples of fathers in sitcoms and other media particularly during the 1980′s and 1990′s. It means I focus on the good dads out there and that I choose not to paint men in a negative light.
I am equally passionate about women not being degraded in society, as well. Admittedly, that’s a harder subject to address, for the fact I am a guy writing a blog that is primarily read by women- I have to be careful not to be seen as a bigot or a sexist.
The way I am wired causes me to see the world differently than women and I’ve been noticing something I just have to point out. Sure, I am putting myself in a vulnerable situation today, but I am choosing to be brave enough to acknowledge the irony in what is often viewed as empowerment to women.
Therefore, the best and most popular example I can think of is the beautiful, talented, and very intelligent artist, Beyonce. I invite you to watch her latest hit video on YouTube by clicking the pink link below; you may remember this video from when it premiered world-wide on the most recent season of American Idol:
From a man’s perspective, here’s how I interpret the meaning of the video:
Beyonce and a bunch of her scantily clad friends are in a battle with a group of dudes armed in riot gear. In the style of classic Michael Jackson, Beyonce and her crew stun and defeat the men simply because of their hip dance moves, plus a whole lot of sexual imagery. In the end, Beyonce removes the badge from the leader of the dudes, signifying that the girls beat the boys in the battle.
So ultimately, in my skewed perspective, the lesson learned from the video is that women can be more powerful than men by influencing them through sexuality; in particular, by wearing little clothing and doing plenty of body thrusts. (Cleavage shaking is a must!) As for women using their intellect, well, it’s not really about that. It’s actually about overpowering violent, sexually frustrated men by seducing them with the female body.
Challenge my analysis, please. Show me how this sort of imagery is empowering to women. Because in my testosterone triggered perception, this attempt of empowerment to women is actually degrading to women instead.
The way a woman dresses obviously sends a message to a man. I invite you to go to Google Images and type in “Beyonce 4″ and try to imagine what message is received by men when they see the album cover of her newest release, which contains “Run the World (Girls).”
I’ll give you a hint: It’s not, “Wow, I have a new respect for women now, but not at all in a sexual way. Women are strong, intelligent, and deserve the respect of men.”
So why am I singling out Beyonce, arguably America’s most influential pop star among young women right now? Why not point out the obvious “sex sells” marketing strategies of Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, or Ke$ha?
Because people actually take Beyonce seriously. By far, Beyonce truly influences people beyond her music. She herself encompasses the idea of empowerment to women.
Notice I used the phrase “the idea of.”
For me, this is the wrong kind of feminism; it’s ineffective and damaging. Using sexuality to promote the independence of women is simply self-defeating.
Believe it or not, I am a huge supporter of empowerment to women. Knowing that across the world, there are girls and women who are sold into the sex trade, forced into abusive marriages, and deprived of education, I simply see that as hell on earth. Meanwhile in America, young girls are being taught through example by their pop star role models that flaunting sexuality is the key to having power in this world.
Call me a sexist, but I say that true empowerment to women has nothing to do with enticing men through sexuality. In fact, I say that’s the greatest threat.
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Beyonce, daddy blog, feminist, Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, Run the World, sex, sex sells, sexist, women | Categories:
Deep Thoughts, People, Spirituality