Posts Tagged ‘ funny ’

I Wasn’t Meant To Be A Bachelor, But Maybe A Hula Hoop Star…

Monday, June 16th, 2014

3 years, 6 months.

Dear Jack,

For the past couple of nights I have come home to notes from Mommy telling me how long to preheat the oven to cook her homemade vegan dinners.

How awesome is Mommy? Seriously!

Let me tell you, life without you and her in the house is so… quiet.

I can hear the refrigerator, the ceiling fan, and even the lights.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that’s a good thing.

That’s my way of saying that there are no “signs of life” other than me in the house.

I should explain; you and Mommy are visiting family out in California for a few days before I get there. (Mommy had more vacation days from work than I did.)

Last Saturday morning, after we packed up your new Okiedog rolling suitcase with several GoGo Squeez pouches and free apps on Mommy’s Kindle, I dropped you both off at the Nashville Aiport.

Since then, I have rediscovered my impressive hula hoop skills, while visiting my side of the family in Alabama: Saturday was also my 15 Year Class Reunion.

But trust me, I am ready to see you and Mommy again.

I just wasn’t meant to be a bachelor. My identity is so closely woven into me being a husband and a dad, that every other part of my life just seems silly.

Everything else seems like I’m just waiting in line for something to happen.

I was meant to be your Daddy. I was meant to be married to Mommy.

Whether it’s fate or not, what I do know is that you and Mommy are parts of my life that unquestionably make sense.

It’s like peanut butter and jelly. Though really, when you think about it, peanut butter and jelly make for an odd combination.

But it’s a combination that works- like you, me, and Mommy.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

P.S. Here are my “unboxing” reviews of GoGo Squeez… as well as your new Okiedog dragon rolling suitcase! (Use code “dadblog” for 20% off purchase at okiedog.us. Good until 7/31/14.)

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Daddy, Did You Run Over That Squirrel?

Thursday, June 12th, 2014

3 years, 6 months.

Dear Jack,

While sitting in the back seat, sometimes you are able to see squirrels dart out in front of our car as they attempt to frantically cross the street.

Each time that happens, you always ask me, “Daddy, did you run over that squirrel?”

Fortunately, so far, each time, I’ve been able to explain to you that the squirrel crossed the street in time.

Though I’m sure from your perspective in the back seat, it probably appears that I indeed am running over the squirrel.

I’ve yet to hit an animal with you in the car.

In fact, in the past month, I have actually saved the lives of two creatures: a baby bird and a baby turtle.

While mountain biking during my lunch break, I have come across animals that would be destined to become roadkill, or at least “sidewalk kill” if I didn’t intervene.

I just stopped on the sidewalk, picked up the animal, and helped it across to the other side.

So as your Daddy, that’s one of the things you know me for: saving animals.

Even bugs- I try not to kill a bug if I can just throw it outside in the grass. The way I see it, I’m contributing to the circle of life. That bug is some other creature’s dinner. Why should I interfere by killing it and throwing it in the toilet?

You would almost think that as much as I apparently care about animals, being a vegan and all, that we would have a family pet.

But we don’t. You have plenty of stuffed animals who you pretend are not only real but that they  are also able to speak to you.

If we’re lucky, I won’t have to “run over” any squirrels on our drives to and from school. But thank you for always asking. You’re just as concerned as I am.

Sure, roadkill contributes to the circle of life by giving possums and vultures their dinner…

But still, I’d rather that happen more naturally than a vehicle with us inside to be the cause of it.

 

Love,

Daddy 

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Boys Can Make Toys Out Of Anything, Like A Plastic Potato

Saturday, June 7th, 2014

3 years, 6 months.

Dear Jack,

Almost exactly 3 years ago on June 21st, 2011, back when you were just 7 months old, I wrote a Dadabase entry called “The Magically Entertaining Wooden Spoon.”

It talked about your ability to make a toy out of anything.

You still have that skill, by the way.

But these days, you also find a way to make a chore out of the new toy you discover.

Two weekends ago while at your cousin Calla’s 3rd birthday party, you somehow found a plastic potato container.

Apparently, Nonna (my mom) got it kind of as a joke for your Auntie Dana (my sister) to pack snacks for her lunch, back when she was in high school.

One of the things I didn’t mention in my most recent letter to you about the birthday party is that for the first hour or so, you were carrying around that plastic potato with his googly eyes.

You used the potato as a place to store the rocks you found in the backyard.

I think it would be safe to use the words “proud” and “protective” to describe the way you carried that thing around.

Of course, you did share it without whoever wanted to see it for a minute. But you kept a close eye on it, as you can see in this picture.

So in closing, you have knack for finding a way to make a toy out of just about any random thing you find. Then, your version of playing with that new toy comes across more like work; or at least a game.

Honestly, you’re a pretty low maintenance kind of kid.

Maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll upgrade you: I could just give you a real potato and say, “Here ya go, Son. Have fun.”

The thing is, I’m sure you would.

 

Love,

Daddy

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My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Birthday Party For A 3 Year-Old

Saturday, June 7th, 2014

3 years, 6 months.

Dear Jack,

For Memorial Day weekend, we took a road trip in the Sante Fe SUV to go to your cousin Calla’s 3rd birthday party. I should point out, that by default, you had to become a Brony for the afternoon, since you were surrounded by two other 3 year-olds, who both happened to be girls.

One of them, was of course, your cousin Calla.

The other was, well, only your best friend in the whole world: Sophie!

She moved away back in February, but it turns out, where your cousin Calla lives in basically the half-way point between where Sophie moved and where we live.

As expected, you and Sophie picked up right where you left off.

Needless to say the three of you had a great time. It should be a given that when in the presence of our family, things will be fun, random, and unique.

And so they were.

The party got started off right with an inflatable castle,  a rocking horse, and a playground underneath the Alabama pines.

After the three of you burned off some energy in the fresh air, one thing led to another, and the next event became a visit down into the storm shelter.

Yeah, because that’s normal…

It is with us, at least. After I closed the hatch, I stood above you all, on ground level, pretending to be the “Big Bad Wolf,” howling through the ventilation pipe.

You guys cheerfully stayed down there much longer than I would have expected.

After all, with the exception of the little bit of light shining down from where I was standing, it was otherwise completely dark in the storm shelter.

I suppose there’s something about hanging out in a storm shelter that makes you crave munchies, because up next, the three of you had vegan vanilla cupcakes at the Friendship Is Magic table.

Meanwhile, we adults dined on vegan French toast and vegan quiche as well.

Because if things weren’t quirky enough with our family, you better believe that our plant-based lifestyle extends beyond just you, me, and Mommy…

What comes next after the snacks and birthday cake? The presents!

We got Calla a tutu, while “Uncle Owl,” who is my Uncle Al (pictured in the storm shelter picture, flashing a peace sign) presented Calla with the gift that earned the title “Most/Least Creatively Wrapped Gift.”

Throughout my whole life, he has always been known for buying us nice gifts, and a lot of them… and wrapping them in newspaper.

This time, though, he decided to mix things up.

He “wrapped” Calla’s largest gift by placing it in a large black garbage bag.

Calla didn’t seem to notice the humor, she was just so happy to be getting a kid-sized Disney Princesses sofa.

I think you missed the “unwrapping” of the sofa, because Sophie’s daddy was taking turns bouncing you and Sophie on the giant exercise ball in the living room.

Just imagine had we known what all was going to happen at Calla’s party in advance.

Imagine if the invitation would have arrived in the mail, proclaiming this:

“Come join us to celebrate Calla’s 3rd birthday!

We will be playing outside in a jumpy castle, riding a rocking horse, hanging out in a storm shelter, bouncing on a yoga ball, and we will try to figure out what’s underneath that garbage bag.”

Yep, just another all-American birthday party for a 3 year-old girl.

All the standard stuff you’d expect to see… in our family, at least.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

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What Does “Gods” Look Like?

Friday, June 6th, 2014

3 years, 6 months.

Dear Jack,

After our routine prayer before dinner one night earlier this week, you asked Mommy and me, “What does ‘Gods’ look like?”

That’s one of those classic kid questions. I love it.

Yet I was so caught off guard by your sincere question of what God looks like, that now, I couldn’t even positively tell you how I answered you.

I mean, you’ve grown up with prayer in our house: In the kitchen before meals, in front of the house before we all leave for work and school, and in the car before we go on long trips.

You’re very familiar with the concept of our family speaking to someone we can’t actually physically see.

Just tonight, while you were holding hands with us during prayer, you began whispering the words to “Ring Around The Rosie.”

I thought you were attempting to pray.

Actually, I guess you were- the best way you knew how.

Still, you have the ability to understand that God is real and invisible; unlike monsters, who you know are not real and only visible on cartoons.

I love admiring the way you are attempting to understand God; because I’m in the same boat, just about 29 years ahead of you.

Of course, speaking of years, the way I see it, time only exists as we know it because of the rate at which the Earth spins and the rate at which it rotates around the sun and the rate at which our temporary bodies age.

That’s how we measure time here on Earth.

But beyond us, greater than us living on this planet, I wonder if time really exists?

Is it true that my Italian grandfather who I was so close to growing up is actually waiting to meet us in Heaven? Or in the “Heavenly Time Zone,” will we pretty much just appear there about the same time he arrives?

So many questions I have about God and Heaven and what life really is like outside of our version of life right now.

With that being said, just know that when you asked what God looks like, it’s something I wonder too.

I think a lot of people are going to be shocked if He doesn’t have a long white beard and a robe.

 

Love,

Daddy

 

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