Tuesday, April 15th, 2014
3 years, 4 months.
In the past few weeks, you have seen the Easter Bunny three times now. I really wish I could know exactly what you’re thinking when you see him.
My guess is that your perception of the Easter Bunny is similar to the way you perceive Trotro the donkey, on Netflix.
You have explained to me, “No, Daddy. Trotro is not a donkey or a boy… he’s a donkey boy.”
So that means the Easter Bunny is not a bunny or a man, but a bunny man.
I’m sure you are further confused by the fact that all three Easter Bunnies you’ve seen here recently looked completely different.
The yellow one in the middle of the Opry Mills Mall sort of looked like a grandpa, wearing wire framed glasses.
About 50 feet away was the brown bunny standing in the doorway of Build-A-Bear (who is not advertised as the Easter Bunny, but it is implied). That one apparently is female- and definitely the happiest. She silently giggles a lot.
Actually, I’ve never considered this, but there is no solid reason why the Easter Bunny has to be a male.
It’s confirmed then- I am officially open-minded to Build-A-Bear’s concept of the Easter Bunny… that he may be a she.
And then there’s the Kroger Easter Bunny.
He sort of followed us around like a puppy; which wasn’t a bad thing. I would say he was more like a real bunny and less of a bunny man.
I think his goal was for us to get our picture made with him. It worked.
He even watched as you got your hands painted.
Nothing says Easter like a snake and a hippo; per your request, of course.
Being a kid is great, isn’t it?
You get to live in a mysterious world where enchanted mutant bunnies appear in public in the weeks leading up to Easter, then all of the sudden get shy and sneak in during the middle of the night to give you candy and toys.
Sounds a little passive-aggressive, though… right? You don’t question that at all and neither did I, at your age.
Logic isn’t so important to you at this stage in life. I miss that.
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Wednesday, April 4th, 2012
This Easter, enjoy the by-products of pig bones, crushed bugs, and my personal favorite, beaver anal glands. I know I will!
Sorry for the Debbie Downer title and subject matter today, but I think you will appreciate how enlightened you will be by the end of this.
Though I haven’t consumed any meat in a long time now, I will be breaking my vegetarian streak this Sunday.
It’s not because I will be grilling out steaks or chewing on some deer jerky, but simply because I want to join in on all that marshmallowy goodness; as we evidently celebrate the bunnies and baby chicks who were present when our Lord and Savior was resurrected from the grave.
Here is why vegetarians, as well as the kosher abiding, must compromise their principles in order to truly enjoy their children’s Easter candy. And for any of you Doubting Thomas’s or blog snipers out there, I’ve conveniently paired each one with a snopes.com (or other more-legitimate-than-Wikipedia) link where you can verify these aren’t simply urban legends or Internet hoaxes left over from April Fool’s Day.
1. Marshmallows: They are what makes Easter candy special, as compared to Halloween or Christmas candy. But what makes marshmallows themselves so special? Well, it’s just that they are made with gelatin, which is comprised of cow hide, pig skins, and bones of both. Pudding, anyone?
2. Red food dye: If any of your candy contains the red food dye Crimson Lake, you will be appreciating the splendor of crushed scale insects (parasites of plants). This is why Starbucks is currently taking heat for their Strawberry Frappuccinos. Could be worse; at least it’s not made from beaver genitals…
3. “Natural” vanilla flavoring: How can you know when a vanilla flavored food is made with actual vanilla or just castoreum, which is the oily secretion, found in two sacs between the anus and the external genitals of beavers? We can’t, thanks to the FDA. But at least we can credit Jamie Oliver for bringing the truth about castoreum to the national limelight for us; just as he did for “pink slime.”
Let’s be honest. Knowing all this is fascinating and equally disgusting, but it’s not going to keep any of us from enjoying some Peeps. Especially not me. Happy Easter everyone!
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candy, castoreum, Easter, Easter bunny, FDA, food dye, Health, Jewish, kosher | Categories:
Health, Must Read, The Dadabase