Posts Tagged ‘
Deep Thoughts ’
Friday, June 6th, 2014
3 years, 6 months.
Back around six years ago when Mommy and I got married, I read a book by John Eldredge called Wild At Heart.
It presents the concept that everyone, at some point in the their life, endures a psychological wound.
That “wound” ultimately ends up defining some people; though for others, it makes them stronger.
I experienced mine a while back. It’s that moment in life where you realize life isn’t actually as innoncent or simple as you thought it was.
The older I get, the more I feel like Hans Solo and less like Luke Skywalker.
Or maybe it’s that I feel more like Darth Vader and less like Hans Solo.
As your dad, there’s a part of me that hopes you never have to experience your wound.
But if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to reach that level of understanding and maturity that is so crucial as you will eventually grow into true adulthood.
For now, though, I hope it’s something that’s far away. These are the years you get to be a kid.
You get to live in an innocent world where part of you still believes dinosaurs still exist and that Grover from Sesame Street might actually be your teacher next week at school, as I keep teasing you about.
As for me, I’ve lived long enough to have to fight off cynicism. I have to fight off being jaded, at times. I have to remind myself to be positive, despite how blessed our lives are.
The concept of working hard to earn a good living is not something you have to think about right now. You get to sleep all night and play all day.
Seriously, how awesome is your life right now?
Let’s keep it that way. But let’s face life together- with all its blessings, its curses, and everything somewhere in between.
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Friday, June 6th, 2014
3 years, 6 months.
After our routine prayer before dinner one night earlier this week, you asked Mommy and me, “What does ‘Gods’ look like?”
That’s one of those classic kid questions. I love it.
Yet I was so caught off guard by your sincere question of what God looks like, that now, I couldn’t even positively tell you how I answered you.
I mean, you’ve grown up with prayer in our house: In the kitchen before meals, in front of the house before we all leave for work and school, and in the car before we go on long trips.
You’re very familiar with the concept of our family speaking to someone we can’t actually physically see.
Just tonight, while you were holding hands with us during prayer, you began whispering the words to “Ring Around The Rosie.”
I thought you were attempting to pray.
Actually, I guess you were- the best way you knew how.
Still, you have the ability to understand that God is real and invisible; unlike monsters, who you know are not real and only visible on cartoons.
I love admiring the way you are attempting to understand God; because I’m in the same boat, just about 29 years ahead of you.
Of course, speaking of years, the way I see it, time only exists as we know it because of the rate at which the Earth spins and the rate at which it rotates around the sun and the rate at which our temporary bodies age.
That’s how we measure time here on Earth.
But beyond us, greater than us living on this planet, I wonder if time really exists?
Is it true that my Italian grandfather who I was so close to growing up is actually waiting to meet us in Heaven? Or in the “Heavenly Time Zone,” will we pretty much just appear there about the same time he arrives?
So many questions I have about God and Heaven and what life really is like outside of our version of life right now.
With that being said, just know that when you asked what God looks like, it’s something I wonder too.
I think a lot of people are going to be shocked if He doesn’t have a long white beard and a robe.
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Wednesday, May 7th, 2014
3 years, 5 months.
If Facebook itself were a game to be won, it would be very difficult to determine the winner. It would be even harder to become the winner.
Here’s what I mean.
I would think that the true “winner of the game of Facebook” would be the person least perceived by their friends as a narcissist, yet somehow isn’t secretly a snoop.
Maybe I should create a Venn diagram? (See below.)
Let me just say, I definitely am no Facebook winner.
However, I don’t want to be identified as either a narcissist or a snoop… but if I outright deny that I’m neither, doesn’t that just prove I’m a narcissist?
Since last June, I have made a point to spend less than 5 minutes a day on Facebook- and my life has become better for it. (Narcissist comment?)
Basically, I’m usually on there just long enough each day to post pictures of our family, see if I received any new notifications, and take a look at a friend or family member’s profile if I’m wondering what they’re up to. (Narcissist comment?)
Then I get the heck out of there, before I’m tempted to make a divisive comment about politics, religion, or food.
But even then, I could easily see how I could be perceived as a narcissist. I mean, seriously- everyday I post a new picture of you, or a selfie of our family, or a story about you.
To some, I very well could be that annoying guy who is perceived as trying to make it look like he has the perfect family and the perfect life, thanks to the stage of the everlasting talent show/high school reunion of Facebook.
While I’m grateful for what I’ve been blessed with, I quickly and openly recognize that my life is far from perfect. (Narcissist comment?)
However, I do believe in the importance in being a positive influence in society; which to some, can come across as being a show-off or self-obsessed.
And then on the other side of the spectrum, if I’m not a narcissist, am I a snoop?
If I’m not a person who is perceived as tooting my own horn all day with happy pictures and stories, am I instead the opposite- a person who is quietly snooping on everyone else, without giving out too much information about my own life? (Because that’s not fair, right?)
I wonder if I can get away with admitting that it can be very challenging to scroll down my Facebook feed without having some kind of judgmental thought about someone who is clearly crying out for attention; whether it’s a negative rant, a duckface selfie, or a “look at my awesome life!” update.
Full circle. Am I that happy narcissistic person? Or the snooping friend? Or am I simply both, by default?
I’m not good at playing the game of Facebook. I’m better off just sitting on the bench- throwing in enough sporadic comments and pictures that are positive and that don’t mention questions or comments regarding politics, religion, or food; that way I’m still contributing without oversharing and inviting people to unfriend me.
All I know is to keep doing what I do: Open the window to friends and family to let them see what is going on in my life, which is you and Mommy.
But (fellow) snoops are welcome too.
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Thursday, April 3rd, 2014
3 years, 4 months.
Until last night, I had never seen a full episode of the popular TV show, How I Met Your Mother.
But after hearing all the hype about the final episode that aired this week, I decided to check out the first couple of episodes on Netflix.
It’s interesting because the first episode flashes back to the year 2005, when the protagonist and narrator was 27 years old and meets the woman he wants to marry… and sort of ultimately begins to chase for 9 seasons.
Seeing the show took me back to a place in my life when I was that single 20something year-old guy without a wife and child.
It’s such a different state of mind.
Yes, there was so much “freedom” back then, yet I clearly remember that deep yearning to meet the love of my life, who would in essence connect me to a universe in which the world made better sense to me.
For me, the year 2005 was when I moved to Nashville to truly “start my adult life” as a 24 year-old single guy.
A year later, I met Mommy. Less than two years later, she and I got married. About two and a half years after that, you were born.
To me, this current version of my life is the one I would pick every time.
I know it could be said that raising a 3 year-old boy is at times, chaotic.
But one of my roles in our small family (and in this world as a whole) is to help organize chaos.
It’s as if I find safety and security in the structure of chaos, because it brings meaning to my life.
There are so many things I can’t do well. And there are many obvious roles in our family that Mommy handles.
As for me, I’m here for “everything else.” That’s what I’m good at. I’m starting to fathom that now.
That includes getting rid of spiders for Mommy. That includes being the official disciplinarian for you. That includes me being consistently positive for the two of you even when I don’t feel like it.
I bet it’s hard to imagine me any other way though, right? Before I met your mother, I was a lost boy.
You and her changed that for me. I like 2014 a lot better than 2005.
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Saturday, March 1st, 2014
3 years, 3 months.
Spoiler Alert: Contains some minor revelations of how Breaking Bad ends.
This was a special week in the world of Netflix as people who are too cheap to pay for cable or satellite (or iTunes) were able to see the final 8 episodes of Breaking Bad.
I managed to watch them all over 3 nights; Wednesday night I only slept 4 hours in anticipation of seeing what happened, in the end, to Walter White, the terminally ill high school science teacher turned meth dealer who wanted to provide a living for his family after he was gone.
One of the reasons this show is so captivating is that it capitalizes on the thin line between good and evil, as well as the gradual breakdown of a “good man’s” morals, under the guise of “doing something wrong but for the right reasons.”
It’s fascinating, as a spectator of the demise, to find myself rooting for the anti-hero up until nearly the final episode; despite the fact he literally destroyed (and ended) more lives than I would care to count.
The fact that I was privately hoping he didn’t get caught reveals something about my own damaged sense of morality. It shows me that even in the smallest, unidentifiable ways, I can be wrong and be convinced I’m right.
Ultimately, Breaking Bad is a story about a man who gains the whole world, yet loses his soul.
When I say that he loses his soul, what I mean is that what mattered to him more than anything (at least, at first) was his family, and he lost them:
In the end, Walter White’s teenage son outright hates him; even changing his name to Flynn, from Walt Jr.; a subtle way to detach himself from his father, as he watches his father become preoccupied with his work, compensating with gifts, but not regular quality time.
Walter White’s marriage remains in tact only in a legal and business sense. And his infant daughter will grow up knowing her father only as a murderous drug dealer.
That’s just the damage he did to his immediate family…
However, he did manage to (illegally and off the radar) leave his family (via his son) millions of dollars ($9.72 million, to be exact) to live off for the rest of their lives.
One question that the final episode proposed to me was, what kid would choose millions of “dirty” dollars from a father they despised… over having a father who truly cared about them and loved them with all his heart, though he didn’t leave them much money behind?
To me, it’s a no-brainer.
There’s a good chance I’ll never be able to leave you with millions of dollars, but I can love you with all my heart. I know that’s what you’d rather have anyway.
Image: Courtesy of AMC/Breaking Bad.
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