Tuesday, April 1st, 2014
3 years, 4 months.
For the past two April Fools’ Days in which I’ve been writing to you, I have participated in the tradition of trying to be tricky.
Back when you were 1, I pretended like I was trying to get you on the TLC show, Toddlers And Tiaras.
Last year when you were 2, I acted like we were going to stop being a “plant-based” family.
What I learned from the past two years is that unfortunately, most people took me too seriously. So in essence, it wasn’t funny.
That was supposed to be the point, to be funny by tricking people, yet it wasn’t really fun… to confuse so many people like that.
So this year, I’m not trying to be funny or trick anyone.
Instead, I’m the guy that’s giving out a “courtesy reminder” to everyone I know to expect April Fools’ pranks from everyone else:
Courtesy reminder: It’s April Fools’ Day.
The interesting thing is, more people thought that me warning everyone of April Fools’ Day pranks was funnier than the actual pranks that were meant to be funny the past couple of years.
In other words, sometimes it’s easier to be funny when you’re not actually trying to be. I think you can relate.
Well, at least some of the time, you can relate.
You’re at a point now where it’s getting difficult to know when you’re trying to be funny and when you’re funny without realizing it.
Like this past weekend as I sat you down on a clothing shelf at the Gap outlet while I looked at pants. You stood up, seeing the mannequin above you, stook out your hand, and asked, “How do you do?”
And on the way home from school last week, after we passed a few farms on the road back to our house, you decided, “Daddy, I want a horse and a donkey. Then if the donkey runs away, I can ride the horse and go find the donkey.”
The funny thing is, Mommy coincidentally bought you a “free horse riding lesson” Groupon the same day.
Now that’s funny. Or is it?
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Sunday, April 1st, 2012
Well, I didn’t win the Mega Millions lottery. So I figured out a plan to make the odds work for me, instead of against me: by entering my son in as many beauty pageants as possible. If I play my cards right, I may be able to catch the eye of one of the producers of TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras.”
From there, who knows? I’m thinking maybe our own spin-off show… Hey, it worked for The Duggars and Jon and Kate.
Needless to say, there are a lot less boys, especially in the toddler division, for these competitions.
So now that April has begun, we’ve have started investing the majority of our income tax returns in hiring a talent agent to help mold our son into what it takes to win.
The talent agent we’ve begun speaking with has already been very helpful. She explained that we will immediately need to start him on a proper “entertainer’s diet,” limiting his daily calories to only 2/3′s of what the average toddler would consume. I can live with that. Less money on groceries, you know what I mean?
He’s really got to look the part of a little gentleman. And that extra “baby weight” will only hold him back with the judges.
Secondly, the agent explained that if we’re really serious about this, we will consider “medical behavioral management” as well. It seems our 16 month-old son is already showing signs of ADHD and bipolar; from the hyperactivity, to the sudden mood swings, to the grandiose thoughts and conversations he tries to have with us, it’s getting a bit out of control.
So hello Ritalin! We’re not looking to be paid in Fool’s Gold, here. We’re in it to win it!
To tell you the truth, back in the Eighties when I was a kid, I always wanted to be one of the few boys in those pageants. It just kills me that I didn’t speak up and tell my parents.
Well, my son doesn’t have to tell me. I know this is his dream just like it is mine. And hey, if it’s not, I’m sure he’ll thank me one day when his college is paid for because he made it big on TV!
Anyway, wish us luck!
Does something seem fishy about this? Click here to found out why…
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