Hoping My Son Makes TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras”

16 months.

Well, I didn’t win the Mega Millions lottery. So I figured out a plan to make the odds work for me, instead of against me: by entering my son in as many beauty pageants as possible. If I play my cards right, I may be able to catch the eye of one of the producers of TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras.”

From there, who knows? I’m thinking maybe our own spin-off show… Hey, it worked for The Duggars and Jon and Kate.

Needless to say, there are a lot less boys, especially in the toddler division, for these competitions.

So now that April has begun, we’ve have started investing the majority of our income tax returns in hiring a talent agent to help mold our son into what it takes to win.

The talent agent we’ve begun speaking with has already been very helpful. She explained that we will immediately need to start him on a proper “entertainer’s diet,” limiting his daily calories to only 2/3′s of what the average toddler would consume. I can live with that. Less money on groceries, you know what I mean?

He’s really got to look the part of a little gentleman. And that extra “baby weight” will only hold him back with the judges.

Secondly, the agent explained that if we’re really serious about this, we will consider “medical behavioral management” as well. It seems our 16  month-old son is already showing signs of ADHD and bipolar; from the hyperactivity, to the sudden mood swings, to the grandiose thoughts and conversations he tries to have with us, it’s getting a bit out of control.

So hello Ritalin! We’re not looking to be paid in Fool’s Gold, here. We’re in it to win it!

To tell you the truth, back in the Eighties when I was a kid, I always wanted to be one of the few boys in those pageants. It just kills me that I didn’t speak up and tell my parents.

Well, my son doesn’t have to tell me. I know this is his dream just like it is mine. And hey, if it’s not, I’m sure he’ll thank me one day when his college is paid for because he made it big on TV!

Anyway, wish us luck!


Does something seem fishy about this? Click here to found out why…




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  1. by SouthernDelight

    On April 1, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Nick, I respect you as a parent and individual. It is awesome that you are willing to step outside the norms of gender roles. However, I would suggest checking with a doctor about the health information the talent scout is giving. I do not trust people who are obsessed with appearances, and when it comes to restricting your son’s diet so much, it would be smart to double check. I am sure you have, but just in case you haven’t. Also, what is the hype with Ritalin? Can’t people treat their kids in another way? I have not dealt with the issue myself, so I do not know. I am just curious. It seems to me that a more natural approach should be available. Hope all goes well for your son.

  2. by Jane

    On April 2, 2012 at 9:17 am

    I’m sure you are not serious – from what we know about you and your parenting style, this post simply doesn’t sound like you. April Fool!

  3. by Nick Shell

    On April 2, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    Ah, so clever you are, Jane! Almost as clever I am :)

  4. [...] Back when you were 1, I pretended like I was trying to get you on the TLC show, Toddlers And Tiaras. [...]