Dadvice #2: My Wife Lacks Complete Desire For Post-Baby Sex

15 months.

Today I lend my “dadvice” to a 30-something year-old dad with a preschooler and a toddler who admits his wife just isn’t interested in having sex with him:

“My wife has absolutely NO desire for sex, even if we have the time. She’d rather do something else she can’t while the kids are awake. How do I not take this personally? Our sex life prior to kids was always fine, although she did have same issue after our first born and then she was soon pregnant again!

I want her to enjoy it but I can tell she has yet to get there. When we do have sex, I can tell she just wants it to be hurried up and done with, if you know what I mean! I know this is super personal… but guessing we’re not the only couple dealing with this issue.”

After all, no sex for a man is the female equivalent of a husband not listening to his wife tell him about her day and not helping at all with the housework or the kids. It’s devastating and demoralizing for the guy. So let me help you.

I say that “no desire for sex” is a symptom of a bigger problem: She feels overwhelmed and needs to “break free from reality,” as Kenny Chesney puts it in his newest song. Until that can begin happening on a normal basis, she will never really have the psychological capacity for meaningful sex.

So it’s your job as the man to take charge of the situation; because it won’t be her that’s going to address this issue.

There’s somewhat of a downward vicious cycle in the case of “we’re not having sex anymore not that we have kids.” Dad is frustrated because he is so stressed from being a parent that he needs sex as a release. Mom is frustrated because she is so stressed from being a parent that she needs a release that doesn’t involve sex to even want to have to sex.

Bummer for both parties.

My first recommendation is to read another “Dadvice” article I did recently called Dadvice: Why Doesn’t My Husband Help More With Baby and Chores?  I want to be sure that she doesn’t feel like she’s doing all the work as a parent and I want to make sure you have communicated with her that it’s important to help meet her expectations of you as a spouse and dad.

After you have applied that dadvice, it’s time for you and her to have a talk. Here’s the formula:

1. Acknowledge to her that even with all your help with the chores and the kids, she still needs exclusive time to herself. Then present your plan to make that happen for her on a weekly basis. It may mean sending her out on a Saturday afternoon to go shopping while you stay home with the kids. Or it could be the opposite: You take the kids out for the afternoon while she chills out at the house. Either way, give her designated time to herself which she can look forward to at least once a week where she can just relax.

2. Refer to the song “Remind Me” by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, letting her know that you are going to be reminding her of those more romantic days, starting now. Let her know that it’s not okay with you that you two become like Raymond and Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond. Assure her that you want the two of you to end up being that sweet old couple still holding hands in public.

3. Explain to her the importance of having quality time with her throughout the week in ways that don’t involve sex; but instead, meaningful conversations beyond those that occur during the commercials between American Idol. Help distract her from “real life.” Try reading a book together before you go to bed; maybe even a book on communication in marriage. I have to believe she will appreciate your sincere efforts to strengthen your relationship like that.

It’s not a matter of her not being physically attracted to you or a need for Spanish fly. You just have to be able to take control of this situation by confronting the real issue, which is not sex; but instead everything preventing her from even thinking about sex.

Would you like to ask me for “dadvice” to be featured here on The Dadabase?

Just shoot me an email to nickshell1983@hotmail with the word “dadvice” in the subject line so I’ll know it’s not spam. Even if I decide not to use your question as part of my Dadvice franchise, I’ll still at least privately answer you; whether you’re a mom or dad.

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  1. by jane

    On March 4, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Great advice! To the point! It’s not about sex drive, but rather real-life stress! I hope every dad will read this and act upon it!

  2. by Nick Shell

    On March 4, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Thank you Jane! By the way, I like your name.

  3. by Jacqueline

    On March 6, 2012 at 10:56 am

    She may have some hormonal imbalances going on as well. She needs to talk with her doctor about it. Being tired is one thing…having no sex drive what-so-ever is different.

  4. by Susan Bratton

    On March 8, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    Helping your wife around the house is nice, but it isn’t going to result in more intimacy.

    Love Chemicals fade after a few years in any relationship and there are four elements of revival that can reverse a downward trend in your sex life:

    1) Polarity – you must be the man she desires and that means bringing your masculinity to evoke her femininity. Doing her work to get sex is “bargaining” and it actually emasculates you.

    2) Overcome Her Resistance Issues – it’s likely NOT the amount of work she has, or her focus on the kids — there’s an underlying cause or group of causes making her less and less interested in sex with you. One is certainly hormonal – but it’s more likely the fading of new relationship hormones, not a hormone “imbalance.”

    There are ways to figure out WHAT these issues are and to fix or work around them. One is likely #1 – Polarity. If you are friends, not lovers, the platonic equal relationship kills the passion.

    3) Seduction Skills. You have likely stopped romancing her. She’s spending her time being mommy and wife but not feeling sexy. You must romance her the way a woman wants to be romanced and re-awaken her sensuality first, before trying to “get sex.”

    4) Advanced Sexual Mastery Skills. If she used to have great orgasms when you first got together, then you can help her get back to that point and go beyond. Likely your stale routine is so boring that she’d rather watch TV. (sorry) There are many easy to learn skills that will open her sexually to more intimacy that she will love for you to do for her.

    This is actually an exciting time with your small children and a marriage with tremendous potential. You can lead her to a deeper, more romantic, passionate marriage if you just know the steps!

    Sending you much love.
    Susan Bratton
    Revive Her Drive.

  5. by Amanda

    On March 22, 2012 at 8:11 am

    I would also second what Susan said – people fall into routines and it gets boring. A woman doesn’t feel sexy if her husband is using the exact same moves every single time. It’s too predictable. Make me feel like you are genuinely attracted to me, and I will want to have sex with you. Make me feel like my body is just a convenient object for you to use to have a “release” from the stress of being a parent, and I will just want you to hurry up and get it over with so that my body can be mine again. Make me feel pretty. Make me feel special. Make me feel sexy and desirable and you’re gonna get some good lovin’. Pour me a glass of wine and get me some dark chocolate, and that will definitely help, too. Nag me about sex and make me feel like a failure as a woman because I have no libido, and I will quickly become a sobbing mess that is not attractive or sexy at all.